


A New Beginning

by MyKaleidoscope



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Sexual Content, Surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:35:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 65,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23136259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyKaleidoscope/pseuds/MyKaleidoscope
Summary: Sequel to "At The End of It All."Back at White Forest, Gordon and Alyx are tasked with rebuilding society - but first, old wounds, physical and otherwise, have to heal, and old enemies must still be defeated.
Relationships: Gordon Freeman/Alyx Vance
Comments: 26
Kudos: 60





	1. What About Tomorrow

White Forest was bustling with activity. Day after day, more refugees arrived. The crew did what they could to accommodate the incoming arrivals, but resources were stretched thin, and tempers were beginning to flare.

“The next person who asks me for a cup of coffee is gonna get the back side of my good hand,” Barney huffed. “If we had coffee, do you think I’d look like this?” Placing his fingers on his face, he exaggerated the already obvious bags under his eyes. “And don’t even get me started on rations,” he said.

Alyx smirked as she gave her wrench another turn. She was doing her best to repair one of the station’s many defunct generators. The Vortigaunts were all busy elsewhere. The wrench seized and she bruised her hand as it went askew. “Dammit,” she said under her breath. “I need some lubricant.”

Barney snorted, and she cast him a warning look. “I’ve had enough jokes for one week, Barney,” she said.

“Sorry, my friend,” he said. “You two are so wrapped up in each other, I keep forgetting you’re not him.”

“And this is how you talk when I’m not around? I’d rather not know that, thanks.” She fixed the wrench back on the bolt that was troubling her, and tried turning it once again. Nothing. “Dammit,” she said again.

“You’re sure that thing’s turned off, right? I’d hate to see it go critical on you, or whatever it is that happens when you scientists break things.”

“It’s safe, Barney,” Alyx said. “It’s just...busted. Probably a fried circuit. If I could get into the control panel, I could fix it. At least, I think I could. No way to know without getting a look at the guts.”

“Well,” Barney said, “I’d offer to help, but I don’t want to offend my favorite mechanic.” He rose from his seat on an ammo crate, and stood nearby, his good arm folded over the other, still in a sling.

With a sigh, Alyx handed him the wrench. He applied it to the stubborn bolt with no more luck than she’d had. “Had to break my right arm, didn’t I. Maybe Gordon could help,” Barney said. “If he hadn’t left that magic suit of his buried under a glacier.”

Alyx smiled and shook her head. “I don’t know, Barney. I think Gordon’s taking a more hands-off approach these days.”

“That’s not what I hear from your neighbors,” Barney said. As she glared at him, he raised his hands in a defensive gesture. “Sorry, sorry,” he said. “You're right, I have to stop teasing. It is entirely inappropriate. But,” he continued, despite her warning gaze, “it sure is fun.”

Alyx set down the wrench. “You can make it up to me by buying me lunch,” she said. With a flourish, Barney offered her his bent left arm. Shaking her head, she took it, and let him lead her out of the garage. They walked side by side back to the mess hall.

“Good luck finding anything edible,” Barney said. The Vortigaunt chef had prepared several pots of headcrab soup, but there was little left in the way of vegetables. Aging MRE packs made up the bulk of the offerings, and even those were beginning to run thin.

“Not that I’m complaining,” Barney said, “but losing City 17 really cost us. We lost decades of supplies, and all of our manufacturing. We’re not gonna last long, at this rate. And the refugees just keep coming.”

Alyx nodded in understanding. She took a small portion of soup, and skipped past the MREs. She’d gone so long without regular meals, she figured it would hardly hurt her to go light on eating now.

Barney skipped the soup and settled for a packet of dried meat and crackers. “Still can’t bring myself to eat those head-humper things,” he said, and grimaced.

“Tastes like chicken,” Alyx said. “Rubbery chicken, but still..." Suddenly, she wondered how her friend Ron and the others were doing.

“What’s on your mind, sweetheart?” Barney asked.

She shook her head. “Just thinking about some friends we made in City 36,” she said. “I wonder if they’re okay.” She knew she could radio them now, but somehow she felt more comfortable leaving it alone, at least for the time being “It’s okay,” she said, and flashed Barney a smile.

They found a place together, and sat down to eat their lunch. Gordon was nowhere to be seen. “So where is our mutual friend?” Barney said.

“He’s been spending a lot of time in Kleiner’s lab,” Alyx said. “They’re working on medium-range teleportation. They think it will help us put the society back together, or something.”

“Right,” Barney said with a nod and a sip of his water. “Get us back into our tribal factions, and all will be right with the world.”

“It’s not like that,” she said, although she wasn’t sure exactly how it _wasn’t_ like that.

“Geez, Al, can’t you take a joke anymore? I’m kidding. Sorry, I know things have been tough. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay, Barn,” she said. “I’m a little on edge, I guess.”

At that, he took her hand, and gave a little squeeze. “And you have every right to be,” he said. “Sorry if I pushed too far.”

“It’s okay,” Alyx said. “I know you can’t help being an ass.”

“Fair enough,” Barney said, and took an exaggerated bite of his jerky.

==========

A short while later, Gordon and Dr. Kleiner entered the room, both animated and clearly excited over some new discovery. After getting their lunch, they spotted Alyx and Barney, and moved to join them. “Sorry,” Barney said, “but I’ve spent a fair bit of time with those two lately, and I believe I’ve had enough for one week.” Alyx waved good-bye to Barney as he left, then smiled and nodded at Gordon and Isaac as they sat down to join her. “Miss Vance, Alyx, as I have been trying to explain to Mr. Calhoun for several days, if we are correct, this may be the most exciting discovery in your lifetime,” he said. “And with Gordon’s help, I believe we can make it a reality.” Gordon smiled brightly at her, and there was a twinkle in his green eyes.

“You see,” Kleiner continued, "we were long ago able to discover the secrets of short-range teleportation. As you are all too aware, ours is not a perfect technique. The Combine, on the other hand, had mastered long-distance teleportation, which led to our terrible misfortune of the past two decades. However, what neither side were able to discover was the technique of mid-range teleportation, which is to say, the ability to transport on an intra-planetary level over more than the shortest of distances. With our infrastructure in a shambles, this has left us scattered like leaves on the wind, unable to travel more than a few hundred miles at a time. As such, we have been effectively cut off from one another, incapable of rebuilding our society. Could we travel a thousand, two thousand, even ten thousand miles in a single hop...” his expression softened and he smiled as he appeared to consider the potential.

“Dr. Kleiner,” Alyx said, proceeding gently so as not to rain on the kind old man’s parade, “Wouldn’t it be more efficient to rebuild our infrastructure? We have proven technology that would allow us to travel. There are still airplanes that could be brought back into service. The trains still run, as long as there aren’t random portal storms taking out our bridges."

Kleiner nodded enthusiastically. “Absolutely correct, my dear, and that will certainly be part of our long-term strategy. But in the short term, we can develop the ability to travel long distances without the need to train pilots, mechanics, and the other personnel needed to keep such means of transportation safe and efficient.”

Alyx saw his point, and smiled before taking a spoonful of soup. Largely unseasoned and consisting almost entirely of headcrab meat, it was a difficult bite to get down. “Ugh,” she said. “We have to do something about this food situation.”

“Indeed,” Kleiner said. “A situation for which your father would have been uniquely suited. Perhaps you are up to the task?”

Alyx chewed at her lip. “I don’t know, Doc. I can fix things and shoot monsters. I’m not sure I’m ready to lead a revolution.”

“But, my dear, you’re a born leader,” Kleiner said, "and I have no doubt in your ability to assemble a team.”

Alyx could tell when she’d been recruited, and she knew there was no arguing with Kleiner once he’d made up his mind. Plus, he was essentially her boss at this point, so she smiled and nodded her head. “I’m on it,” she said. She looked at Gordon, who gave her a comforting smile. “Excellent!” Kleiner said, clapping his hands together. "It’s encouraging to have this movement in the hands of a Vance once again.” Alyx smiled again, though inwardly, she shuddered at the thought of trying to take over leadership of the resistance - or whatever it was now. Still, she realized her presence as a figurehead could be reassuring, though maybe not as inspiring as Gordon’s.

Kleiner quickly finished his lunch, and took his dishes back to the kitchen. As they waited for him to return, Gordon kicked playfully at Alyx’s ankles. She gave him a warning look. “Between you and Barney,” she said, “I’ve had about enough for one day.” Still, she smiled at him. He returned the smile with a humble tilt of his head. “I love you,” he mouthed. Alyx rolled her eyes. Since finding his voice just a few days before, he’d shared the sentiment no fewer than a hundred times, it seemed. She still wasn’t tired of it, but she’d be damned if she let him know that.

“Show me,” she said, staring directly into his eyes. His cheeks reddened. _Five minutes_ , he signaled.

“Oh,” she said, “I’m gonna need more time than that.”

==========

Five minutes later, they were back in their room, kissing hungrily and stumbling toward their bunk. Alyx wrapped her legs around Gordon’s hips, and pulled him down toward her. She pressed her body against his, arching her back just enough to let him know exactly what she wanted. She laughed as he clumsily tugged her sweatshirt over her head. She helped him out by stripping off her bra, then slid out of her jeans and underwear and lay before him. He let his eyes drift over her body. She smiled at him, in the way that she had learned would leave him helpless. She parted her legs and awaited his touch

Gazing down at her, he unbuttoned his shirt halfway before pulling it over his head. Then, he stood, undid his pants, and quickly stepped out of them. She smiled more broadly at the sight of him, naked and already aroused. He really was something to look at, she thought - too skinny, charmingly freckled, with hair that didn’t seem quite sure of where to grow - and beautiful, with a sinewy strength that belied his lithe frame. He placed his hands on her thighs and parted them, then pressed his mouth between her legs, inciting a pleasure she’d never known before. Their few previous dalliances had been too hurried to allow for such luxury, and she made sure to voice her approval with each new sensation.

Soon she found herself beyond the point where she could possibly hold back a moment longer, and she shuddered, moaning with delight. Then she began to laugh. “Jesus, Gordon,” she gasped. “That...oh, my god. Come here.” She invited him inside and wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him into her. He gasped a little and looked deeply into her eyes, and she smiled at his wide-open expression. She closed her eyes and lay back, basking in the pleasure of their motion together. He gripped her hips and pulled her closer still, lifting her back off the mattress. The position brought a new round of sensation, and soon she was crying out again. Gordon moaned, and shuddered inside of her, grasping at her as if he wasn't sure where to put her hands. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, moaning his name as her orgasm peaked and then began to taper. “Oh, god,” she sighed.

They lay together for a while, wrapped clumsily together. She loved the way he seemed unwilling to let go of her, his wiry limbs draped about her, his beard scratching her face. “Gordon,” she said. “I’m supposed to go out there and lead the revolution. I don’t even know where to start.”

He sat up, lifting her gently in his arms, and held her. He caressed her face and smiled. “I’m supposed to follow in dad’s footsteps,” she said, enjoying the sensation of his lips against the nape of her neck. “I don’t even know how to take the first step.”

He looked at her with a smile that was both reassuring and serious. He sighed, and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. “Sorry,” she said, “but that really doesn’t help. He smiled and gave a little shrug.

There came an urgent knocking at their door. “Gordon, Alyx, you in there? I hate to interrupt you lovebirds, but it looks like we’ve got a slight insurrection on our hands. We could sure use your help in the mess hall.”

Alyx looked at Gordon, the uncertainty she felt reflected in her eyes. “I guess this is my first test,” she said. He squeezed her hands and helped her to her feet. "We’re on our way, Barney,” she called.

==========

They dressed quickly and made their way to the mess hall. A crowd had assembled at the soup line, where the Vortigaunt chef appeared to be attempting to placate several people.

“We haven’t eaten in three days," one man said. “Surely you have something! Please, we’ll take anything.”

Gordon and Alyx glanced at one another. Barney arrived and placed his hand on each of their shoulders, in turn. “I might have exaggerated a bit,” he said, "but when folks get hungry, they get angry, and I don’t think I need to tell you what happens next.”

“Do you honestly believe these people are on the brink of a riot?” Alyx said. “They’re tired, and frustrated. They just need some food.”

“And that’s my point. They're all those things, and they came here looking for hope. If we can’t give them that...”

“Barney, are you telling me there’s no food left in the entire compound?”

Lowering his voice, he said, “There’s a large stash of MREs in one of the storage areas. We’re holding it back for emergencies. The crews here have to be able to function or we’re all dead.”

“I’d say this qualifies as an emergency, Barn,” she said. She walked into the mess hall and scrambled up to stand on a table. She raised her arms above her head and called for attention. “Listen, people, I know you’re frustrated. And I want you to know that we are going to feed you. All of you.” The rumbling of the crowd grew softer. “We’re out of soup for the day, but we have some dried, packaged meals. There should be plenty to go around. You just have to give us a little time to round them up.”

“So what happens tomorrow, and the day after that?” someone called. The roar among the crowd began again.

“You let me worry about that,” Alyx said, shouting to be heard among the din. “Listen up,” she said as the roar continued. “My friend Barney is going to get enough food for anyone who hasn’t eaten today. And when he gets back, he and I are going to hunt headcrab. We’ll have soup for dinner, as long as I have anything to say about it.”

She looked squarely at Barney, who rolled his eyes. She knew hunting headcrab was at the top of his list of things not to do, but Gordon was needed in Kleiner’s lab, and she sure as hell wasn’t going alone. She hopped down from the table and made her way back to the edge of the room, where Gordon and Barney awaited her return. “Well done, little sister, but I must echo our friend: What _about_ tomorrow, and the day after that?”

Alyx shook her head. Her voice lowered to nearly a whisper, she said, “I have no idea.”


	2. Intrusion

“ _Ravenholm_?” Barney said in disbelief. “Aw, hell no, Alyx."

Gordon’s eyes were wide behind his glasses, and he shook his head vigorously.

“Look, it’s our best hope for a good hunt,” Alyx said.

“It’s our best hope for ending up dead, or worse,” Barney said.

Alyx looked at the floor of the hallway. He was right, of course, but what other course of action did they have? “I’m open to suggestions,” she said.

“Okay,” Barney said, “I suggest literally anything else. The Combine were desperate when the uprising started. They seeded headcrab all over the place. We can find a good hunting ground that isn’t, you know, Zombie Central.”

Alyx continue to stare at the floor. What had she been thinking, to suggest Ravenholm? She was desperate, she realized, and already that was leading her to make bad decisions. “I guess I’m not my father after all,” she said. “He would never have come up with an idea like that.” _A stupid idea_ , she thought. Safety was always one of her father’s foremost concerns.

“Sure he would, Al,” Barney said. “And then we’d talk him down, just like we’re doin’ with you.” 

Alyx looked into Barney’s eyes. He was serious, she realized. She’d always seen her father as a pillar, acting alone, but now she understood that he’d been surrounded by good, smart people, as she was. “Barney, did I screw up back there in the mess hall?”

Barney shook his head. “Eli always said that no one person was more important than another. You did the right thing. Had the right idea, at least.”

They continued down the hall toward Kleiner’s lab. “Are you okay with going with me?” Alyx asked.

“See, Alyx, that’s another thing,” Barney said. “Your dad didn’t go off on crazy missions. You can’t lead folks from the infirmary. I’m afraid I’m gonna have to find another partner in crime, much as I enjoy hunting with you.”

Alyx’s shoulders sagged. “I don’t want to send you out there alone,” she said. “I don’t want to send you out there at all. Especially not with your arm in a sling,” she added, smiling ruefully.

“Won’t be alone. We’ve got good people here. I’ll put together a team. And you know I can shoot with both arms tied behind my back.”

Alyx was wholly unaccustomed to staying on the sidelines, and the thought of it didn’t sit well with her. “Maybe someone else should take over for Dad. I don’t feel right about any of this.” They stopped again, and Barney put his hand on Alyx’s shoulder. “Listen,” he said. “You proved today that you can do this. Just...don’t try to take on the job alone, and you’ll be fine. You’ve got me, and Gordon, and dozens of others to back you up. You’ve got people who trust you. You’ve gotta learn to trust us.”

“I do!” she said. “Barney, you know I trust you completely. You too, Gordon,” she said, and he smiled.

“Good,” Barney said. “Now you’ve gotta learn to trust yourself, and to start letting other people in. Don’t take the whole goddamned revolution on your shoulders.” He looked at Gordon. “We’re here,” he said. “Us and a whole lot more.”

It was already close to dinner time, and even the MREs were stretched thin. “Okay, Barney,” Alyx said. “Assemble your team, and go find these people some food.”

Barney grinned. “That’s the spirit,” he said. “Take care of my friend Gordon while I’m gone, as I’m sure you will. I’ll see you when I see you.”

Barney left them in the hall, and they walked slowly the rest of the way to the lab. Inside, they found Dr. Kleiner standing over a smoking, miniature teleport. “Fie!” he said as they approached. “Another botched attempt. No matter, Gordon’s here, and will soon have these calculations whipped into shape. Of that, I am certain.” He turned and beamed at the couple. “I trust you two had a pleasant lunch,” he said.

“Yes and no,” Alyx said, and reported what had happened.

“Ah, yes,” Kleiner said. “You made the right decision, young lady. The last thing we need is a group of hungry refugees bemoaning us ivory-tower scientists and our special privileges. That is a recipe for a whole new uprising. Mr. Calhoun will be fine, just fine, and tonight, the people will feast. Now, Gordon, please come have a look at this latest development.”

With a vague shrug, Gordon smiled at Alyx, then followed Kleiner to a computer. Finding herself dismissed, she tried to decide what to do next. She could check on sleeping arrangements. She could touch base with the chef, and try to reassure him that food would be coming. She could lock herself in the garage and work on the ridiculous quantity of malfunctioning equipment that pressed for her attention. Of all the options she considered, only the latter sounded even remotely appealing. She felt certain it was a horrible choice.

Or was it? She always thought more clearly when she was working. Strutting around like some kind of administrative official wasn’t going to make her a better leader.

_Trust yourself_ , she thought, and headed for the garage.

==========

Practical by nature, if occasionally somewhat indulgent, Alyx set about repairing a small tiller. If they could break the ground, they could start building gardens. Even this late in the season they could plant carrots, and maybe spinach - assuming they could locate seeds - which would make a steady diet of headcrab soup far more tolerable.

Better yet, they could build a greenhouse, she reasoned. That would make an excellent task for some of the refugees. What other work might she be able to delegate? The sawmill needed to be rebuilt. The White Forest Inn and its outbuildings could be turned into housing. There were dozens of jobs, just waiting for someone to do them. And there were dozens of displaced people, desperate to be of use. In a short time, she hoped, Barney and his team would return with dinner, and she would have not only food to offer, but also purpose.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, she hurried back to the lab, excited to share her ideas with Gordon - and to gain his approval, she hoped. She reminded herself to be open-minded; it was entirely possible she was wrong in her newfound ambitions. She didn’t think so, though - having purpose had always motivated her, and she hoped it would work that way for the others. Many of them had spent a lifetime merely surviving, she realized - of course, so had she, but she had never been passive in that survival. She'd always had a role, and that had given her strength.

She decided to make a side trip to the kitchen, to see whether Barney and the hunting party had returned. Sure enough, they’d brought back a bountiful harvest, and the chef was busy roasting and preparing the creepy but edible creatures. A number of refugees had gathered, and the crowd seemed calm. If it was so simple, she wondered, why had no one done it before?

She made her way down the hall to the lab. She found Gordon and Isaac lost in their work, and decided to go find Barney instead. She wanted to touch base with him, anyway, and see how the hunting trip had gone. As it happened, he was in the hallway on his way to the lab, and she laughed and hugged him tightly. “You did it, Barney!” she said.

“Well, did you expect anything less?” he said, feigning hurt. “Just had to travel a couple miles down Highway 17 to find a drop point. Place was crawling with head-humpers. Seems like the colder weather makes ‘em more docile. Easy pickin’s.”

For the second time that day, Alyx found herself wondering about Ron and his crew at City 36. Maybe she’d radio them, after all. She did want to know how they were doing, and to thank them again for their help in the battle at Larsbreen. She felt grateful they all had survived.

That thought led to her wondering about Judith’s fate. They had yet to hold a memorial, hoping that somehow she might have survived, and would soon resurface. Alyx still didn’t fully understand what had happened to the Borealis, and Gordon wasn’t ready to discuss it.

“Hey, kiddo, you still with me?” Barney said. Alyx smiled and shook her head. “Sorry, Barney, just thinking,” she said.

“Well, don’t spend too much time in that head of yours,” he said. “That’s how people lose it. Ask me how I know.” He winked at her, but there was sadness in his eyes.

They reached the door and Barney knocked. When no answer came, he opened the door and peeked his head in. “Docs?” he said. There was no answer. The lab seemed silent, and empty.

“Maybe they went to get dinner,” Alyx said, but Barney had his finger to his mouth. He pushed the door open and stepped back, then readied his weapon. Instantly, Alyx poised for battle. The edges of her vision went dark momentarily, the world suddenly rendered in black and white, and her heart sank. She looked at Barney. “No,” she said. “Oh, no.” Together they eased into the lab.

They found Isaac and Gordon pinned to the nearest wall, with an Advisor hovering on the opposite side of the room.

==========

Kleiner’s face was a mask of terror; Gordon’s was clenched in rage. “God, no!” Alyx screamed. She began emptying her weapon into the Advisor. Barney followed suit. Alyx could feel the creature tugging at her mind, and then at her body.

_Think, Alyx, think._

She dove behind the table that held the miniature teleport, still smoking slightly. Wresting it from the table, she hurled it toward the Advisor, which quickly latched on to the device and pulled it close. It probed the machine with its hideous proboscis. “Now, Barney!” she shouted.

Barney fired his weapon into the teleport, which exploded with a flash of green electricity. Shrapnel tore through the Advisor’s soft flesh, and it screamed and writhed, still holding fast to its telekinetic grip on the two scientists. Barney and Alyx continued to fire. Alyx felt the creature’s hold on her begin to ease, and then release. With a final psychic push that left her head pounding, it wailed and collapsed in mass of white and yellow goo.

Isaac and Gordon dropped to the floor. Alyx ran to them, crying. “No,” she wailed, “No, no, no!” Barney ensured the alien was dead, then joined Alyx.

“Dr. Kleiner? Gordon? Are you okay?” They both lay slumped against the wall, barely conscious. “Talk to me,” Alyx begged. Slowly, Gordon opened his eyes, but he couldn’t seem to focus on her worried gaze.

“Gordon! We have to get you to the infirmary,” she said. “Dr. Kleiner, please wake up!” Gradually, Isaac’s eyes fluttered open, but he was as dazed as Gordon. He moaned quietly in pain. “Barney, get help!” she said. Without hesitation, Barney followed her order and dashed out of the room.

“Gordon, Dr. Kleiner, please talk to me,” she said. “What happened?” Anything to keep them awake, alert. “Gordon, where did they come from?” He shook his head, and winced in pain. Grimacing, he lifted his shirt. An angry bruise was showing over his ribcage. “You’re gonna be okay,” she said. “You’ve had worse. Dr. Kleiner, Uncle Izzy, please talk to me.”

Slowly, he turned to look at her. “I’m afraid,” he said breathing heavily, “I may have fractured my spine. Now, don’t worry, dear, I’ll be patched up in no time. Mr. Calhoun has gone for help, as you requested.”

It was all Alyx could do to hold back a scream of fear and rage. If anything happened to Uncle Isaac, she would personally dispatch every Advisor left on planet earth.

Soon, Barney rushed back into the room, with several medics following quickly behind. Two of them set upon Gordon and Dr. Kleiner with medkits. Then, they eased the two on to stretchers, and carried them toward the infirmary, with Alyx and Barney close behind.

==========

“Barney,” Alyx gasped, “where did that thing come from? I was just there, right before we talked. How did it get in?”

Barney’s face was all but blank. He shook his head. “No idea,” he said, clearly blaming himself for the breach.

“It’s not your fault,” Alyx said.

“Isn’t it?” he said. “I should have taken my own advice, sent someone else on that hunting party. I should have been here, doing what I’m supposed to do - maintaining fucking security.”

Alyx wilted a little. This was her fault, she realized. She’d ordered Barney to go, and he’d gone. Like a proper soldier.

They entered the infirmary, where Isaac and Gordon were being hoisted into beds. Both men looked dazed and in pain. Alyx had to step outside for a moment to regain her composure, then quickly went back in. She wasn’t sure whose side she should go to first. The doctors seemed more busy with Kleiner, so she went to check on Gordon. He was clearly hurting, but seemed alert, now. He caught her eye and gave her what she imagined was meant to be a reassuring look, but his labored breathing and obvious anguish did little to quell her fears. She put her hand on his forehead and kissed him gently on the cheek. “You’re going to be okay,” she said. He found her hand and squeezed it, and smiled weakly at her. She sat at his side for a while, as the medics tended to the more badly injured of the two.

After a while the commotion in the room began to subside, and the steady beeping of a vital signs monitor could be heard. “I’m going to check on Dr. Kleiner,” Alyx said.

She found him with tubes and wires protruding from practically every part of his body. “His back appears to be broken, along with several ribs,” a medic confided. “His ankle is fractured, and he has a concussion. The medkits should patch him up for the most part. After that, we’ll have to wait and see.”

Alyx sighed and fell into a chair next to Kleiner’s bed. She took his hand, cautious not to jar the needle inserted into his vein. “You’re going to be fine,” she whispered. “You have to be. For me.” He seemed to try and focus on her eyes. “Yes, my dear,” he said, “I promise.” Then he drifted into unconsciousness.

She sat at his side for a while, not ready to bear facing Gordon in his current state. Barney sat down beside her and placed his arm around her shoulder. “He needs you,” he said. “I’ll wait with Kleiner.” With a shuddering sigh, Alyx rose and returned to Gordon’s bedside. He was pale, and looked startled, but at least he was still there, as far as she could tell. “Gordon, I’m so sorry, but I have to ask you what happened,” she said. He nodded, his eyes still distant. “Was there any warning? Did it just appear?”

Gordon looked toward one of the infirmary’s tall windows. “It came in through the window?” Alyx said. It was too simple, and too avoidable. “Of course. Kleiner opened a window when the teleporter burned up. Is that it?” He gave a weak nod.

He looked so frightened. She hoisted herself onto the bed beside him and nestled in. One of the medics nearly said something, then seemed to think the better of it. She felt his breathing settle into a pattern that matched hers. She stroked his hair, and caressed the ridge of his brow. His eyes drifted closed and she felt him settle into sleep.

A medical doctor arrived, an older woman with snowy white hair pulled into a loose bun at the base of her neck. “I’ll need you two to leave us,” she said, looking at Barney and Alyx.

Barney caught Alyx’s eye, and motioned toward the infirmary door. Once they were in the hall, he said quietly, “I heard what you said about the window. It was a stupid, careless mistake, but it wasn’t anybody’s fault. Nobody knew there were any of those things hanging around anymore.”

“We can’t afford careless mistakes,” Alyx said. “Gordon and Dr. Kleiner could be dead. If we hadn’t shown up when we did, they would be. Her face folded into a grim frown. “They might not be okay,” she added, fighting tears.

Barney pulled her into a sideways hug. “For a couple of skinny scientists, they’re tough. They’ll pull through. Believe it.”

Leaning into the embrace, Alyx nodded. She had to believe it. The alternative was unbearable.

==========

Word of the attack spread quickly through the compound, and with it the order that all doors and windows were to remain closed and locked. Dr. Magnusson set about recruiting a crew of mechanics and electricians to begin devising a more finely-tuned perimeter alert system; the Advisors had twice evaded the current system with ease. _Twice_ , Alyx thought. How could they have let their guard down so easily, so soon? The Combine’s forces had scattered, but the Advisors were in a class of their own, and now they were angry, assuming they were capable of such emotion. She wondered how many more were out there, and where.

She went to the nearest radio station and spent some time monitoring transmissions. For the most part, it was the usual chatter of the past few days - who had supplies, who needed supplies, and how those supplies were to be transported. There were no reports of attacks, save the occasional headcrab encounter. Was the Advisor looking to stop the teleportation experiments, or was its mission more personal? Alyx shuddered at the thought.

There was a tightness in her chest, and she felt like crying. Instead, she picked up the microphone and transmitted, “White Forest to City 36. Do you read?”

Almost instantly, she got a reply. “City 36 here, White Forest. We read you. Ron here. Who’s this?”

Alyx nearly crumpled with relief. “Ron, it’s Alyx. I’m so glad to hear your voice.”

“Alyx! Wow, how are you guys doing?”

Suddenly, she didn’t want to tell him the truth. “We’re holding up,” she said. “How about you?”

“We’re good! The gang’s all back together, and Rupert finally showed up, if you can believe that. Headcrab’s a little scarce but we get by. It’s so good to hear from you. Where’s Gordon? Have you heard anything from Kowalski?”

Alyx nearly lost her composure, but managed to hold it together. “Gordon’s not here at the moment,” she said. “I haven’t talked to anyone outside of this base. We’ve been pretty busy dealing with refugees.”

“That’s not a problem here,” Ron said with a laugh.

She thought about inviting the citizens of City 36 to join them, then thought the better of it. Even a few dozen extra refugees would tax their already strained resources. “I’m glad to hear you’re holding up,” she said. “So, no Combine activity?”

“Nope, not even Civil Protection. They turned tail after the battle at Larsbreen. Don’t know where they ended up, but they sure aren’t here. Makes life a little easier.”

“I’m glad,” she said. “I just wanted to touch base, Ron, but I need to go. Please give my best to everyone there.”

“Will do, Alyx! Over and out,” Ron said.

She smiled as she replaced the microphone. Ron's implacable optimism was exactly what she’d needed. But now, she had to ready herself to return to the infirmary.

She wasn’t prepared for what she found.


	3. Small Victories

The first thing that caught her attention was the sight of Gordon, sitting upright in bed and eating enthusiastically from a hospital tray. She smiled at the sight, before her attention was drawn to a curtained-off partition at the corner of the room. She glanced back at Gordon and he frowned and shook his head slightly. She nodded, and hurriedly located the white-haired woman. “Excuse me,” she said, “Doctor -”

The woman turned to her. “Margolis,” she said. “And you’re Alyx Vance. I’m afraid I don’t have good news. Dr. Kleiner’s in a coma,” she said, mincing no words. Alyx took a deep breath and put her face in her hands. “At this point,” Dr. Margolis said quickly, “we have no reason to believe he won’t make a full recovery.” Alyx couldn’t help noting the double-negative in the doctor’s phrasing. “He’s stable. His injuries are healing. But he’s not a young man, and it’s going to take some time.”

“Okay,” Alyx said. “I trust that you’re doing everything you can."

“Of course,” Dr. Margolis said.

Alyx turned back to Gordon, and her face spread into a smile, despite her worry. “You,” she said, “look perfectly awful.” She went to his bedside, and it was all she could do not to wrap her arms around him and squeeze him as tightly as humanly possible. She figured his broken ribs wouldn’t appreciate such a gesture. Instead, she kissed him lightly on the forehead. “I talked to Ron,” she said, not sure of what else to say. “He asked about you. It sounds like they’re doing fine.” Gordon smiled at the news. “So, how about you? How long until you’re ready for action?”

“Sorry, Miss Vance,” said Dr. Margolis, “but this one’s going to be out for a while. As soon as he stabilizes, I’ve got him slated for surgery. That confounded suit he used to wear left a bullet lodged in his shoulder. It’s a small miracle the infection hasn’t spread already. Modern medicine be thanked, and cursed.”

“Jesus, Gordon,” Alyx said. “I remember. I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think -”

He set his tray aside, and took both of her hands in his. Tilting his head, he drew her into a kiss. Dr. Margolis cleared her throat, but they paid her no mind. After a moment, they parted. “You take care of yourself,” Alyx said. “I need you.” He nodded once, slowly, his green eyes bright.

==========

Alyx and Barney sat outside the compound, watching as the stars revealed themselves. “I need to know Dr. Kleiner will be okay,” Alyx said.

Barney took her hand and gave it a little squeeze. Then he drew a deep breath and said, “Me too, kiddo. Me too.”

She rested her head on her old friend’s shoulder. “But Gordon’s okay,” she said.

Barney put his arm around her. “Yep. He always is.”

“Even without the HEV Suit.”

Barney chuckled. “Evidently,” he said.

As if sensing his master’s concern, Dog came bounding over from his patrol at the edges of the station. “Dog! Good boy,” Alyx said, scratching the metallic rosette around his iris. “Now, get back to work,” she said, more sternly than she felt. Dog bounded off back toward the perimeter.

“I will never get used to that thing,” Barney confessed.

Alyx laughed, then grew serious. “You and your team fed everybody tonight,” she said. “Thank you for that.”

“Shoulda been here. Anybody could go on a hunting trip.”

“Maybe. But I asked you to go, and you did, and you brought back food. You were absolutely right, we could have had a riot on our hands. I’m glad you were in charge. And, Barney, it was Dr. Kleiner who opened that window. Not you. I can’t imagine anything you could have done that would have made a difference.”

“You’re not -”

“No,” Alyx said, shaking her head. “I’m not blaming anybody. If anything, we’re all at fault, for getting too comfortable. I just don’t want you blaming yourself.”

Barney sighed and squeezed her shoulder. “Thanks for that, kiddo,” he said. “I’m not, not really. But the doubt likes to creep in, you know?”

She knew all too well.

==========

They walked together back to the compound. Alyx punched in the four-digit code that would open the door, and together they entered. “I'll make another sweep,” Barney said.

Alyx nodded. “And I’m going back to the infirmary,” she said. She leaned up and gave Barney a kiss on the cheek. “Take care of yourself,” she said. “Get some sleep.”

Barney nodded. “Promise,” he said.

The hallways seemed to stretch on forever. When she reached the infirmary, she knocked lightly at the door before entering. Gordon was sound asleep, and though she was glad, she was also a touch disappointed. She’d really wanted to talk with him before turning in for the night.

She found Dr. Margolis leaning over Dr. Kleiner. “How is he?” she whispered.

“Stable,” Margolis said. “His injuries are healing. It’s just a matter of time.”

“A matter of time before what?” Alyx said.

“Before he awakens, or he doesn’t,” Margolis said. “He has a brain injury, and I don’t have the equipment to determine how serious it is. I’m sorry to be so blunt.”

“Don’t be,” Alyx said. “I prefer it to the alternative.”

Margolis nodded, and gave Alyx a brief, appreciative look.

“What about Gordon?” Alyx said, steeling herself for less-than-stellar news.

“Oh, that one," the doctor said. “He’s something. I expect I’ll be able to proceed with surgery in a day or two, if he keeps up at the current rate. My suspicion,” she said, growing more animated, “is that he may still be benefiting from the nanotechnology used by the HEV Mark V."

Alyx’s eyes widened. “You think he still has nanoparticles working on him?”

“I can’t think of a better explanation for his rapid rate of healing. If I’m correct, this could have profound repercussions for our future. If only I could talk to Dr. Kleiner...”

The two women shared a knowing look. “I know they’re both getting good care,” Alyx said. “Thank you.”

They smiled and nodded good night. Alyx stopped to sit at Gordon’s side for a moment before she left. “Hey, you,” she whispered. “Keep getting better. I’ll be waiting for you.” She kissed him on the forehead and found his skin cool, if a little damp. “I love you,” she added. She thought she saw him smile.

==========

She slept fitfully, unaccustomed to having a room to herself. The bed was too large without Gordon beside her, and she found herself tossing and turning, and getting wrapped up in the poorly-fitted sheets. “Dammit,” she said to the empty space. It was close to 3:00 a.m., and she decided enough was enough. She dragged herself out of bed, splashed some cold water on her face, and started roaming the halls.

The base was largely quiet, save for a few security personnel, most of whom gave her friendly smiles as they passed. She made her way to the mess hall and checked on the food supplies. A half dozen roasted headcrabs filled the refrigerator; enough for a day’s meals, at least, but they would have to find something to provide variety. She suspected the forest outside the compound could provide plenty, if only she knew where to look. She’d faltered in her leadership that day, she realized - all of her plans and ideas had been laid by the wayside when they’d discovered the Advisor breach.

No one was more important than anyone else, she remembered. She laughed bitterly to herself. There was no way she’d ever believe that. In the big picture, certainly, it was true; but for now, no one but Gordon and Dr. Kleiner mattered. Only when they were well would she truly be able to lead.

“Dammit, Alyx,” she said under her breath. She didn’t have the luxury of self-indulgence.

She continued to wander, half-hoping she’d find someone, anyone with whom to commiserate. At last, she wandered into a disused room, and found a small group of rebels discussing the day’s events. “Well, if it isn’t Anticitizen Two herself,” one man said. “We were just talking about your performance in the mess hall today. Nicely done,” he said, and she found herself wondering if he was sincere. She saw no malice in his eyes, and smiled a humble thanks. “So, what brings you into our enclave?” the man asked.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Alyx confessed, “but since we’re here, can I bounce some ideas off of you all?”

They seemed agreeable, so she shared her notions about rebuilding, about the greenhouse, and a few other various ideas that had passed through her mind that day. The group seemed amenable, but hesitant. “People are tired,” said one woman. “The food situation is a problem.”

“Which is why we need a greenhouse, and a garden,” Alyx said.

“Oh, I get it,” the woman said, “but we’ve got to keep up morale in the meantime. Most of these refugees, they’re not resistance. They’re accustomed to living their lives, however horribly. They’re not fighters.”

Alyx nodded in understanding. She thought about the minor but beloved luxuries of Bjørnøya, and wondered if there was any way to duplicate them. Somehow, it didn’t seem right to ask starving people to build themselves a sauna. Still, there must be some way to locate different sources of food. She wondered if the nearby seas still held any fish populations. That was something worth investigating. She knew there was a variety of fungi growing in the woods, but her father had warned her off of those. Maybe there was someone alive who knew what was edible, but the chance of finding someone at White Forest seemed slim.

 _Never know if you don’t ask,_ she told herself.

There was always Barney’s still, she realized - if she couldn’t keep them fed, she could keep them drunk. Yeah, there was a stellar idea.

But maybe they could brew beer, or wine, or both. The occasional celebration wouldn’t hurt things, she thought. She’d talk to Barney about that in the morning - a morning that was rapidly drawing close.

She thanked the group, and hurried back to her quarters. Despite the emptiness there, she was able to sleep the final few hours before the sun began to rise.

==========

Even as Alyx slept, her mind was busy formulating ideas. She woke ready to address the crowd that would soon gather in the mess hall. But first, she had to check on her friends.

Gordon was awake, and looking painfully bored. He broke into a smile at the sight of her, and held out his arms. She went to his bed and embraced him gently. “You’re looking so much better,” she said happily, and he nodded. Holding up one finger, she went to peek in on Dr. Kleiner.

Margolis was nowhere to be found, but a medic was at Kleiner’s bedside. “Still stable,” the medic said. “We’ll be sure to let you know if anything changes, Miss Vance. We’re monitoring him 24/7.”

“Thank you,” Alyx said, and returned to Gordon. “I’m about to go pretend I know what I’m doing,” she confided quietly.

He stroked her hair and gave her a firm look. Then he shook his head gently and took her hands in his. "You’ve got this,” he said. The sound of his voice sent a tingle down her spine.

“I hope you’re right,” she said. “I have to go now.” She leaned in to give him a kiss, then backed slowly out of the room, not taking her eyes from his. She gave a little wave, and headed down the hall.

She found the mess hall filled nearly to capacity, which did little to calm her nerves. She found Barney’s face in the crowd, and he gave her a smile and a wave. She waved back, and realized her hand was trembling. _Just imagine they’re all zombies, and you’ll do fine_ , she told herself. The strange thought amused her enough to boost her courage slightly, and she scrambled onto a table as she’d done the day before. She cleared her throat, and said, “May I have your attention?”

The din of conversation quieted slightly. “As you all know, we have a food problem. I want to do something about that. Does anyone here...” They were all looking at her now, and she feared her next question would sound absurd. “Does anyone here have experience foraging? You know, finding food in the wild?”

The room grew uncomfortably silent, then an elderly man stood up and raised his hand. “I used to wildcraft in the hills of...Oklahoma,” he said, as if it took him a moment to remember the name of the place.

A woman next to him and close in age rose next. “And I was an herbalist,” she said. The old couple smiled at one another.

“Good,” Alyx said, “that’s really good. I want you two to assemble a team - people you can teach what you know. Okay, any gardeners in the room?” A handful of people stood up. “Great!” Alyx said, her confidence growing. “You’ll head our garden team. Who has construction experience?”

Soon, a number of groups had gathered, chattering excitedly among themselves. Most of the team leaders were up in years, and people her own age were beginning to gravitate toward one group or another. Alyx cleared her throat again. “I want you all the spend the day assembling your teams, and discussing what we can do to make this place more like home,” she said. “We’ll meet back here for dinner and share what we’ve learned.”

She hopped down from the table and went to find Barney. “Fantastic job, little sister,” he said. “You channeled your dad up there.”

“Did I?” Alyx said.

Barney nodded. “Yup. He had a knack for getting people excited about work. Looks like you inherited that.”

“I guess we’ll see how it goes,” Alyx said. A few people walked past her as they made their way out of the mess hall, and several paused to pat her on the back, shake her hand, or offer words of encouragement. She felt her face flushing, and felt a sudden need to be on her own. “I’m going to go work on the tiller,” she said. “I’ve almost got it running.”

“Going to hide in your workshop, are you?” Barney teased. “That’s fine. I’ll keep these hooligans in order until you get back.”

==========

In a short while, Alyx felt the tiller was in working order. Quickly crossing her fingers, she started it up, and the engine purred to life. She rolled it outside and lifted the handle to engage the blades. The tines dug into the earth and the wheels began to turn, and she laughed as the contraption nearly pulled her off her feet. The soil was nearly frozen, but still workable, she noted. They’d have to hurry to beat winter, but with the teams forming, she felt confident there’d be time.

From somewhere nearby, she heard shouting, and a sudden crash. It seemed to come from the direction of the old sawmill, and she shut off the tiller and hurried that way. A crowd had gathered, and several young men and women were sorting through the lumber that remained from the ruined structure. A man she recognized as Terence smiled and waved as she approached. “We’re your construction team!” he announced. “Figured if we’re going to be building, we’d better start at the beginning.”

Alyx grinned widely and surveyed their work. An older man was directing the more able-bodied to sort the lumber into piles - plywood here, timbers over there, and unusable scrap in an open space a fair distance from the mill, in a tipi-shaped mound that was almost certainly intended to become a bonfire. “This is amazing!” Alyx said, clasping her hands together.

“It really is,” Terence said. “Well, back to work!” He flashed her a smile and returned to his task.

When she returned to the workshop, Barney was there, looking frazzled. “There you are! Jesus, kid, don’t disappear on me like that. We need you back at the infirmary.”

Her face must have fallen as rapidly as her stomach seemed to, because Barney quickly waved his hand, “No - don’t freak out. It’s Kleiner. He’s awake!”


	4. Survival

Gordon would have been perfectly happy never to see another bowl of headcrab soup in his life. He realized hospital food was supposed to be tasteless and bland, but not _this_ bland. The unappealing meal did nothing to appease the boredom that currently pounded his skull. He was grateful that Barney and Alyx were visiting often, and even Magnussen had made a point of coming by and voicing grumbled get-well wishes. There was one talkative medic, but his shift was over for the day. Dr. Margolis seemed to take Gordon’s silence as a cue that she herself should say as little as possible. For now, his only company in the room was a quiet young medic who seemed overwhelmed to be in the presence of the Opener of the Way. Or maybe she was just shy. Either way, she had hidden herself behind the curtain around Dr. Kleiner’s bed and offered nothing in the way of conversation.

So when a grizzled voice murmured, “Dr. Freeman?” his excitement at having company briefly eclipsed the realization that it was Kleiner’s voice he was hearing.

Gordon sat upright, too quickly, and the bruises on his chest roared in protest. More gently, he turned in the direction of Kleiner’s bed just as the medic pulled the curtain aside. She looked at Gordon with wide eyes, made a note on the chart in her hands, and hurried off, presumably to find Dr. Margolis.

Kleiner’s eyes were open. They were unfocused, but settled on Gordon. The slightest hint of a smile played at his mouth. “Thank goodness,” he said, his voice gravelly. He closed his eyes again.

Dr. Margolis dashed into the room. The medic followed quickly behind, still grasping the chart. Margolis lifted Kleiner’s eyelid and shone a light into his pupil. “Yes, yes,” he groaned. “I can assure you that I’m in here. Now, let an old man rest.”

Gordon smiled, and watched as Margolis checked Kleiner’s vitals. Relief poured over him, and he exhaled heavily as some of the tension of the past two days left his shoulders. Margolis seemed startled by the sound, and turned to look at him. “This is good,” she said. “It’s a good development. Isabel, please find Miss Vance or Mr. Calhoun and let them know.” The medic nodded, set down her chart, and scurried out of the room.

“Let’s have a look at you, Dr. Freeman,” Margolis said, and he briefly regretted gaining her attention. She poked and prodded at him a bit and listened to his breathing, then stood back with her hands on her hips and stared, shaking her head a bit. “I’d need an X-ray to confirm, but I’d say your ribs have healed. Of course, the med-kits are an enormous help, but...If I didn’t know better, I’d call it a miracle.”

Gordon nodded. He still felt pretty banged up, but that could have been the bruising. Why did bruises take so long to heal, anyway? Even the HEV suit had a hard time with them. He felt like he’d been perpetually mottled in different shades of blue and green since...

Barney and Alyx arrived before he could dive down that particular rabbit hole. They stopped briefly to greet him, then quickly went to Dr. Kleiner’s bedside. “Uncle Izzy?” Alyx said softly. The old scientist’s eyelids flickered slightly, and he smiled at the sound of her voice.

“Hello, dear,” he said. “Don’t worry, I’ll soon be right as rain.”

“It’s good to hear your voice, Dr. Kleiner,” Barney said, which led to another smile.

“I think Dr. Kleiner’s had enough for now,” Margolis said, and ushered the two away as she re-drew the curtain. "We’ll let him rest. I promise to let you know if anything changes.” Dr. Margolis exited, and Isabel took her place at Kleiner’s side.

Alyx and Barney joined Gordon and shared smiles of relief. Gordon tried to sit up again, and again the movement brought searing pain. _Healed, my ass_ , he thought. He tried to smile and managed to wince, instead, causing Alyx to reach out toward him. He squeezed her hand to let her know he was okay.

“If you two aren’t as sweet as strawberry wine,” Barney said. Gordon gave him a warning look, but the truth was, he enjoyed his friend’s gentle teasing. It reminded him of the days when they used to go out for a beer after work at Black Mesa - days that seemed so recent to him. It provided some much-needed continuity to his nonsensical life.

“Gordon, Barney, you won’t believe what’s happening,” Alyx said.

Barney cocked his head and looked at her. “Do tell,” he said.

“A crew has started working on salvaging the sawmill,” she said excitedly. “There must have been a dozen people there. That’s why I wasn’t in the workshop,” she said, looking at Barney.

“Well, I’ll be,” Barney said. “You said ‘jump’ and they asked how high. Well done.”

Gordon squinted at them, wondering what it was they were talking about. Suddenly, he envied them - not their friendship, of course, but the time they were spending together, while he wasted away in the infirmary. He desperately wanted out, and it would be at least another few days, if Margolis had her way with him.

“Miss Vance here,” Barney explained, “has assembled the good people of White Forest to do her bidding.” Gordon still didn’t fully understand, but he couldn’t help feeling a wave of pride as he watched Alyx’s cheeks flush red at Barney’s compliment.

“I only made a few suggestions. It’s the people who are making things happen,” she said.

“Well, the _people_ needed someone to get them started, and you did that. Don’t be so humble. Nobody else was doin’ it.”

The pride he felt for her swelled larger. He’d known she was a leader - he wouldn’t have survived without her. But she was accustomed to leading in battle, where her sharp senses and ability to make split-second decisions served her perfectly. Leading a weary group of refugees was an entirely different matter. That she had managed to motivate people who had left dreadful but predictable lives, and found themselves in a world where everything was an unknown - he was beyond impressed. At that moment, he would have given anything to be whole and healthy, to sweep her up and out of the infirmary and back to their quarters, to show her just exactly how he felt.

“Hey Gordon, you still with us?” Barney said with a wink. Gordon glared at him again. “Don’t worry, pal. Doc Margolis’ll get that bullet out of your arm and have you patched up in no time. Just like she took care of me,” he said, patting his injured arm and rolling his eyes.

The three of them laughed, as Dr. Margolis walked back into the room. “I heard that,” she said, giving Barney a pointed look. “If you didn’t insist on horsing around like a five-year-old, you would have been out of that sling a week ago.” Gordon was sure he saw Barney begin to pout, before his usual air of bravado returned.

“Yes ma’am,” Barney said, and saluted.

The slightest hint of a smile graced Dr. Margolis’ lips. “Dr. Freeman, it’s almost dinner time. If you’re going to eat, do it now. I want you in surgery first thing in the morning.” Gordon sagged with relief. The sooner the surgery, the sooner he’d be out of that place. He nodded in understanding and agreement.

Alyx looked concerned. “He’s still in a lot of pain,” she said. “Are you sure he’s ready?”

“If I weren’t, I wouldn’t proceed. And at this point, it’s more dangerous to wait. Our friend has amazing recuperative powers, but even he’s not immune to a chunk of lead in his shoulder.”

“Okay,” Alyx said. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m quite sure. Now, why don’t you two go see if you can find something for Dr. Freeman to eat? I’d prefer to keep my staff here, now that Dr. Kleiner’s recovering.”

Barney and Alyx said their good-byes to Gordon. Alyx leaned over to kiss him on the forehead, but he tilted his head so his lips met hers. She lingered for just a moment, no doubt wanting to avoid another round of teasing. Barney smiled and squeezed his shoulder, and Gordon watched a little sadly as they left.

When the door had closed behind them, Dr. Margolis looked at Gordon again. “It’s risky,” she said flatly. “Your bloodwork came back with signs of potential sepsis. We must get that bullet out immediately. Normally I would not attempt surgery under these conditions, but we have no choice.” She sat down on the stool beside his bed. “Dr. Freeman, I wasn’t lying to your friends. I do believe you’re ready, but only because you do seem to heal with amazing rapidity. If you were any other patient...” She stood up again. “I leave it to you whether to tell your friends. I didn’t feel it was my place.”

Frowning, Gordon nodded. A shadow had fallen over him, eclipsing the elation he’d felt at spending time with his friends. How ironic would it be, he thought, if he were to die from a bullet wound received because he’d been too damned stubborn to wear the HEV suit, one time.

=========

Alyx and Barney returned, practically bubbling over with excitement. “Gordon, you won’t believe it,” Alyx said, presenting him with a bowl as if it were the Holy Grail. “Cream of Mushroom!” she said. “Well, technically, it’s powdered milk, but at least it’s not headcrab! Our foraging team came back with buckets, _buckets_ of mushrooms, and there’s more where those came from. And - Barney, what did he say those eggs were?”

“Rook’s eggs,” Barney said. “Not a lot of ‘em on account of it being almost winter, and they’re small, but there’s a whole colony of those damned birds just waiting to get busy come spring.”

“Tell him the best part,” Alyx said.

“No, you tell him.”

“Okay,” she said, “they found grain. Wheat, barley, rye - there’s a whole field just beyond the fence line - we don’t know if it’s wild, or if there used to be a farm. Gordon, do you realize what this means?”

Gordon wasn’t sure. Grain sounded good, of course - wasn’t bread the staff of life, or something? But Alyx’s excitement seemed over the top for some toast or a sandwich. He shook his head.

“It means,” Barney said, “I can finally brew that beer I owe you!” Barney and Alyx laughed and hugged each other.

“There’s more,” Alyx said. “They found berry bushes, which we’ll have to wait for, but that means we’ll have fruit next summer. Oh, and rose hips - we can use those to make jam. They found tons of acorns, and Grace - she’s the herbalist - can use those to make flour. Tomorrow a team is heading down to the shore to see if there’s anything left alive there. Food, I mean. And, they found wild carrot seeds!”

Gordon’s gaze shifted between the two as they excitedly planned future feasts for the base. He tried to stay engaged, but fear for what tomorrow would bring dragged his face into a frown. “Gordon, what is it?” Alyx said, matching his frown with one of her own.

Should he tell them? What good would it do? He shrugged - it hurt - and motioned toward his injured shoulder.

“You’re worried about the surgery. Don’t be. I trust Dr. Margolis. Even if Barney doesn’t.”

Barney made a pained sound. “I trust her,” he said. “I trust her to screw up Gordon’s arm as good as she did mine!”

 _I should tell her_ , Gordon thought. But, he reasoned, doing so would be selfish. What was the point in causing her worry? He’d be okay, or he wouldn’t. Her knowing wouldn’t change that. Hell, any surgery was risky, even for someone in perfect health. She had to know that. Didn’t she?

Clearly, she could sense that something was wrong. She sat down on the bed and caressed his brow. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation, then took her hand and squeezed. Barney fell silent, for a change. “Gordon,” Alyx whispered, “you’re scared. Why?”

Tears stung his closed eyes, and he blinked them away before looking up at her. He swallowed hard, then smiled the best he could manage.

“Okay,” Alyx said. “Should I talk to Dr. Margolis?”

He considered for a moment, then shook his head. “Don’t lie to me,” she said. He squeezed her hand again. “I’ll be here,” she said. “I promise I’ll be here in the morning.” This time his smile came naturally.

==========

“Here’s what you can expect,” Margolis was saying. “I’ll wake you around 5:00 a.m. I won’t have time to run any more bloodwork, and even if I could, it wouldn’t matter. We must proceed. Do you understand?” Gordon nodded. “Good. I’ll be using a local anesthetic. I’ll be better able to monitor your condition that way, but it means you’ll be awake. It won’t be fun.”

 _Fun_? Gordon thought. _Let me tell you about the fun I’ve had lately._ That he wouldn’t have to go under general anesthesia was the best news he’d had in a while. It sounded a little too much like being in stasis, and that was an experience he was in no hurry to repeat.

“We should have removed that bullet the moment you showed up at the base,” she said, and he realized she was attempting to absolve herself of whatever might happen. It _wasn’t_ her fault - he’d stubbornly refused treatment, caught up as he’d been in the strange high of imagined freedom. Now he regretted that choice. _Why do we only regret choices when it’s too late_? he wondered.

 _Any other regrets you’d care to consider, Mr. Freeman_? It was the voice of the man in the suit, but it was coming from his own head. Wasn’t it? Regardless, this seemed as good a time as any. He regretted every life he’d taken at Black Mesa. Every single one. He regretted the Vortigaunts he’d killed before realizing they were merely slaves. He regretted the soldiers - most of them young men, even younger than he. He regretted every scientist, administrator, office worker, and security guard he’d had to leave behind.

 _But you had no choice in the matter, Mr. Freeman. Those were the...decisions you had to make, were you to survive_. Maybe survival wasn’t worth it. Maybe it would have been better to be counted among the dead, than to have transformed into a monster.

_You saved the world, Mr. Freeman. And... you got the girl. You’re a hero, Mr. Freeman. Well, aren’t you?_

A chill tore through him, and he sat up suddenly. His bruises continued to protest. “I’m sorry, Dr. Freeman, should I repeat myself?” Margolis said.

Sheepishly, Gordon nodded, and looked her in the eyes.

“Very well,” she said. “I’ll make the smallest incision possible, but I must remove any damaged tissue. I don’t have nearly the antibiotic supply I’d like, but I’ll be flooding your body with as much as I can spare. You’re going to feel lousy when it’s over. Most of what I have available has rather unpleasant side effects. It’s going to hurt.”

He appreciated her bluntness. He wasn’t afraid of pain - not anymore. He was terribly afraid of dying. He’d come too far to give up now. More than anything in the world, he wanted to lay down at Alyx’s side, to hold her, kiss her, make love with her in every way he knew how. He ached for her.

As frightened as he was, he couldn’t wait for morning to come - if only because she would be there.

==========

It felt as if he’d barely drifted off to sleep when he heard her voice, summoning him back to the real world. “Gordon,” she said softly. “Time to wake up.” He opened his eyes and found Alyx standing over him, dressed in surgical scrubs and a mask. “I can’t stay,” she said. “Dr. Margolis only let me come in if I wore this crazy get-up. But I’ll be waiting for you. He reached for her, but she kept her distance. As she’d been instructed to do, no doubt.

Dr. Margolis took Gordon by the arm and helped him ease out of the bed. Once he was feeling steady on his feet, she led him out of the infirmary, to the room where the surgery would be performed. It wasn’t much different - a little brighter, perhaps, and the bed was covered in plastic and paper, rather than fabric. “There’s a shower in here,” she said, pointing him toward a doorway. “I want you to use the hottest water you can stand. I don’t have antibacterial soap, so you’ll have to make do with this.” She handed him a small bar, wrapped in a package he recognized from some old hotel. "Wash thoroughly,” she said. “It could save your life. When you’re done, get into this.” She held up a hospital gown, which she hung on a hook just inside the door. “Dr. Freeman, I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that you have a remarkable ability to heal. I would not do this surgery if I thought it was a lost cause. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

Feeling a little queasy, Gordon stepped into the shower. As it turned out, the hottest water he could stand wasn’t available from the tap. He turned the temperature up to its highest setting, and set about getting as clean as he possibly could. He was distressed to find no towel, and slipped the embarrassing robe on over his shoulders, letting it sop up the water on his skin. He wandered into the surgery room, where Isabel and another medic, both dressed in scrubs, helped him onto the bed.

Dr. Margolis inserted an IV into his arm. “Saline, and a mild sedative,” she said. The fluid made his arm feel cold, but the sedative calmed him immediately. He was grateful for it. “Administering local anesthetic,” she said. He felt the needle plunge into his shoulder, then a strange heaviness as his entire right side began to go numb. Margolis had her eyes on his, over the top of her mask. “Doing alright, Dr. Freeman?” she said. He nodded, though the muscles of his neck had become so relaxed, he could barely manage the gesture. “I’m about to start the antibiotics, she said. Please don’t be alarmed if you feel discomfort.” She added another bag to the rack beside him, and plugged it in to his IV.

She began attaching a variety of electrodes to his chest and legs. “I’ll be monitoring your vital signs throughout the surgery,” she said, her monotone voice somehow comforting. An array of machines behind him began to beep, their strange rhythm calming. She poked his shoulder with a small needle and, when he didn’t flinch, drew a scalpel from a nearby tray. “I’m going in now,” she said. He felt no pain, but the sensation of the scalpel piercing his skin was distressing. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, using a technique he’d discovered for himself while traveling through zombie-filled canals. He’d learned how to ward off panic, and the ability was serving him well, now.

He could feel her probing the inside of his shoulder with her fingers. “I’ve located the bullet,” she said. She retrieved a hemostat from the tray, and wedged it into the incision. He felt a dull sensation that seemed like it should have been pain, and a sudden white light blinded him momentarily. “You’re doing just fine, Dr. Freeman,” she said. He began to feel more queasy than before, and there was an ache in his legs. He felt an overwhelming need to just stretch, but the sedative left his muscles limp. “I have the bullet, she said, and with a quick motion, she withdrew it from his shoulder. “Sutures,” she ordered, and Isabel and the second medic immediately began stitching his wound closed.

An overwhelming wave of nausea overtook him, and he turned his head to the side and vomited. “It’s the antibiotics, Dr. Freeman," Dr. Margolis said. “Your vital signs are holding steady. So far, so good.” She looked toward Isabel. “Increase sedative,” she said.

 _Thank you_ , Gordon thought. He felt himself drifting into a dreamlike state, still nauseated, but no longer caring.

_Well, Mr. Freeman, it would seem you have...cheated death...once again._

This time, the voice was not coming from inside his head. The room had gone dark, and the man in the suit was standing over him. He smiled a sinister smile, straightened his tie, and walked through a white doorway. The room’s greenish fluorescents took over once again. Gordon found his chest tight, and struggled for a moment to breathe.

“Shh,” Alyx said. “You’re okay.” Her amber eyes were all he could see for the mask on her face. It was enough to calm him. Instinctively, he tried to reach for her hands, but his right arm was bandaged and bound to his side, and his left arm was weak.

“No, don’t, don’t even try, idiot,” she said. “I swear to god, Gordon, I don’t know how you’ve stayed alive this long.”

He was back in the regular hospital bed, surrounded by soft sheets - well, soft relative to the paper and plastic of the surgery room. “Alyx,” he murmured.

“Shh,” she said. “You rest now. I promise, I’ll be here when you wake up.

He closed his eyes, and slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope nobody reading is a medical professional, 'cause I'm pretty sure it's obvious I've never even had surgery, much less performed it. I hope nothing was too jarring or unrealistic...I mean, for a world where green grub goo has magical healing properties...
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Recovery

After what seemed an eternity of darkness, the sun began to make its appearance on the horizon. Alyx refused to leave Gordon’s bedside, even when Barney offered to give her a break. “You’ve got to eat,” he said.

“No, I don’t,” she said stubbornly.

“Yes, you do,” he said, and sighed. “I’ll bring you something.”

She nodded, and nearly lay her head down on the bed next to Gordon’s. Dr. Margolis wouldn’t approve, she realized, and sat back up, rubbing her eyes. The surgical mask still covered her nose and mouth, though Margolis had assured her it was just a precaution at this point.

Shaking his head and mumbling under his breath, Barney left the infirmary. Alyx found herself staring ahead, her mind racing as she listened to Gordon’s steady breathing. Dr. Margolis had stopped by several times to draw his blood, and continued to reassure Alyx that the infection was under control. _The infection he didn’t tell me about_ , she thought, too exhausted to feel angry. She knew he’d been trying to protect her, and she didn’t like it. “Oh, Gordon,” she said. “What were you thinking?”

At the sound of his name, his eyes fluttered open. “Hi,” Alyx said. “Jerk.” He reached out to her, and she shook her head. “Dr. Margolis wants limited contact.” Gordon frowned. “I probably shouldn’t even be here,” Alyx confessed. _Just watch them try to keep me away_ , she thought.

Gordon glanced toward Kleiner’s bed. “He’s holding up okay,” Alyx said. “He’s improving gradually. Dr. Margolis says that’s the best we can expect.”

She maintained her silence after that, as Gordon drifted in and out of sleep. Finally, he groaned and tried to sit up. “Take it easy,” she said. He blinked a few times, clearing the sleep from his eyes.

Barney returned from the kitchen. “Well, look who’s up and at ‘em,” he said, smiling at Gordon. He handed Alyx a small bowl, which contained a tiny portion of what looked like scrambled eggs. “I stole the crow’s eggs for you,” he said. “Figured you’ve earned them.”

“Thanks, Barney,” she said. Moving to a seat across the room, she removed her mask and ate quickly, as Barney took over her place at Gordon’s side. The eggs were so fresh, and absolutely delicious. She felt a little guilty for taking food from someone who might be more deserving. But the serving was so small, she decided to give herself a pass, just this once.

“So,” Barney said, “about you keeping secrets from us.” Gordon closed his eyes and shook his head. “Don’t do that,” Barney said. “You want us to trust you, you’ve gotta do the same for us.”

Alyx set her bowl aside and went to wash her hands and face. When she turned off the water, she could hear Barney saying softly, “It would have destroyed her.”

She turned to look at the two men, and found herself overwhelmed with love for them both. Barney was right - if something had happened to Gordon, it would have been more than she could take. The same was true of Barney, of Dr. Kleiner - she had to pull herself together. Was it too much to ask, to care about people? Would she have to harden herself? Her father hadn’t, not that she had known. He’d always maintained affection for the people around him. How had he managed, through so much loss? She sighed loudly, causing them both to look at her in alarm. “I’m okay,” she said.

“You’re beat,” Barney said. You told me you didn’t sleep last night.” Gordon looked at her and cocked an eyebrow.

“I slept,” she said, repositioning her mask, although she supposed napping in her chair in the infirmary that morning didn’t count for much. “I’ll be fine.” She sighed again.

Barney stood and went to her side. “Kiddo,” he said, “go get some rest. I’ll stay here until you get back.”

She really was dead on her feet, she realized. She nodded. “Okay,” she said. “You win.” She looked at Gordon. “Don’t you go anywhere.” He crossed his heart and smiled.

==========

She was asleep nearly the moment she hit the bed. It was a dreamless sleep, at first, but as her rest continued, nightmares began to plague her. They were vague and unmemorable, but each left her with a terrible feeling of loss. Soon, she’d had enough, and decided it was time to get up. She had no idea how long she’d been out, but the sun was still fairly high in the sky. She felt drawn to the infirmary, but she realized people needed to see her, carrying on as best she could.

The mess hall was mostly quiet. Several cooks were busily chopping mushrooms. At one table, Grace and a few other women and men were preparing wheat. The work looked tedious, but also meditative, and Alyx sat down to join them.

Grace smiled warmly at her. “Welcome to our little corner,” she said. Alyx watched as she continued to work, stripping the seed heads from their stalks and dropping them into a large, cloth bag. “Once the bag is full, we’ll beat the daylights out of it to remove the chaff. And perhaps relieve a little stress in the process.” She laughed, a delicate sound in the large, empty room.

“Where did you learn to do this?” Alyx asked.

“Many, many years ago, Tom and I decided to become homesteaders,” Grace said. “It seems like a quaint notion now - leaving society behind, living off the grid. But that’s what we did. That’s when Tom learned to forage, and I began to study herbal medicine. We had a tiny farm. We grew all our own food. We had goats, chickens, and pigs, and the most beautiful vegetable plot you’ve ever seen.” Her hands continued to work as she spoke. “We also grew our own grain. It was hard work, but it was our little paradise.” She smiled at the memory.

Alyx smiled, too. She tried to imagine what it must have been like - working the land, being self-sufficient, depending on no one but each other.

“It was a fool’s dream,” Grace confessed. “We hardly lasted a year before we were making regular trips into town. But I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.” Her expression was distant, and wistful. “I’m so sorry for this world you young people have grown up in. It must be so difficult for you."

Difficult? Alyx wasn’t sure. It was challenging, and terrifying, there was no doubt about that. But it was the only life she could remember. She took a stalk of wheat and mimicked the motions the others were making. She found the seed heads were prickly, and left tiny cuts even on her calloused hands.

“Here,” Grace said, handing Alyx another stalk. “Bottom to top. It doesn’t hurt that way.” Alyx tried again. The seed heads stripped off easily. “There you go. We’ll make a farmer out of you, yet.”

She stayed for longer than she intended, the repetitive motion soothing her tired mind. As people began to arrive for dinner, she realized she’d better get back to the infirmary. Barney would be needing a break. She took two bowls of soup with her.

She found Barney asleep in a chair, while Gordon pored over a notebook. She recognized the immaculate, yet unreadable, handwriting on the cover as that of Arne Magnussen. Of course, he would put Gordon back to work at the first opportunity.

Gordon smiled at her, and raised his brow appreciatively at the sight of food. He set the notebook aside and took the offered bowl. Alyx sat down and together they ate in silence. When they’d finished, Alyx took the bowls and placed them on the table. She sat down and looked at him. Her expression grew stern, then softened. “You’re looking better,” she said. She rubbed her face slowly. “Gordon,” she said, “why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

He looked down at his hands, then back at her. There was a deep sadness in his eyes that seemed to be masking something else.

“Did you think you were protecting me? Because if you’d died on that operating table...Gordon, nothing could protect me from that. What I need from you is honesty, even when it’s bad news. Especially then.”

He nodded, and reached out to her. She looked around for Dr. Margolis. “Is it okay?” she asked. When he nodded, she took his hand, and let him pull her closer. She nestled her head into his shoulder and cried silently as he stroked her hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Dr. Margolis entered the room and softly cleared her throat. Alyx sat up and wiped her eyes. “You can have him back tomorrow, if he continues to improve at the same rate he has been,” the doctor said. “His ability to heal is astounding. Just don’t let him do anything stupid. You’re to rest, Dr. Freeman.” She looked pointedly at him.

Alyx sighed with relief. “That’s wonderful news,” she said. “Thank you.” Margolis nodded, and went to check on Dr. Kleiner. “How is he?” Alyx asked.

“Growing stronger,” Margolis answered, as she made a note on her chart. “Still not out of the woods, but it’s just a matter of time.”

Barney stirred from sleep. “What?” he said, looking a little dazed.

Alyx laughed. “Welcome back,” she said. “Go get something to eat. I’ll take this shift.”

“You sure you can handle him?” he said, stretching as he stood. “He’s an ornery bastard.” He winked at her, gave Gordon a quick salute, then spun on his soles and strode out of the room.

“I guess he’s had enough of you,” Alyx said. Gordon shrugged and rolled his eyes, then his expression became serious again. He looked at her, the sadness she’d seen before replaced by something else. Determination? He stared long enough that she began to shift uncomfortably on her feet. He motioned her toward him, and she went to his side. Wincing with the effort, he scooted over slightly to make room for her on the bed. She sat down beside him, never taking her eyes from his.

"I love you,” he mouthed, and she leaned in to kiss him. He embraced her as best he could, and pulled her in close. She put her hands behind his head and pulled him closer still, pressing her lips against his. _This is ridiculous_ , she thought, but she didn’t care to stop any time soon. Then the sound of someone coughing, quietly, caught her attention, and she pulled away to find Isabel standing nearby, gazing at the floor.

“Oh,” Alyx said, “sorry.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Isabel said. “It’s just, Dr. Kleiner’s asking for you.”

Alyx quickly slid from the bed and went to the old scientist’s side. “My dear,” he said, his voice still weak, but less rough than it had been, “I’m so terribly sorry to have interrupted.” Alyx felt herself flush crimson as she realized he’d been watching them. He smiled at her, and some of the old sparkle was back in his eyes. “It would appear Gordon is recovering nicely,” he said.

“Uncle Izzy, are you teasing me?” she said, cocking her head.

“My goodness, no, I would never!” He began to laugh, but it quickly became a cough. Alyx placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, but he waved her away. “I’m alright, dear,” he insisted. “Now please, listen carefully.” He licked his lips and took a breath, and began to cough again.

Dr. Margolis appeared. “Dr. Kleiner, you must rest. Miss Vance, please don’t encourage him.”

Alyx looked at Margolis. “It could be important,” she said. “Uncle Izzy, can it wait?” He creased his brow, but nodded slowly. "Okay. Then you take it easy.” She kissed him on the forehead before returning to Gordon’s side. She stood staring at the door. She’d had enough of the infirmary; she could only imagine how ready Gordon was to escape. She found herself fretting about a dozen different things - what it was Dr. Kleiner wanted to tell her; whether Gordon would truly be ready to go home in the morning; how the revolution was proceeding as she holed up with her friends.

She felt pulled in different directions. She wanted to stay, but another part of her needed to be out among the people. She wanted to find out whether a team had made it to the shore. She wanted to know what kind of progress had been made on the sawmill. She wanted out of that room. The walls were beginning to close in on her.

“Gordon, I...”

He motioned toward the door, and smiled.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you alone.”

He nodded.

“Okay. But only if you’re sure.” She waited a moment for him to change his mind. “I’ll be back,” she said. “I just...” Just what? The truth was, she felt she was being selfish and indulgent by being there, and equally selfish and indulgent for wanting to leave. She kicked at the floor like an impatient child. She wasn’t accustomed to feeling conflicted. She’d always been sure of her next move. She tugged at her sleeves and sighed. “Okay,” she said again. “I’ll see you soon.” She gave him a quick kiss, and left before she could change her mind.

==========

The crowd in the mess hall had thinned since dinner, but several small groups remained. Alyx wandered from table to table, eavesdropping on conversations and occasionally taking part. She learned that the fishing expedition had found nothing at the nearest shore, but they were planning on venturing a little farther the next day. “That’ll take you into antlion territory,” she warned. “Be careful.” She wondered if there might be any pheropods available at the base, and made a mental note to check with Uriah, who seemed the most likely Vort to have such information.

The construction team had already begun reframing the building, even as they continued to haul away scrap, and planned a celebratory bonfire as soon as Barney’s next batch of moonshine was ready. “Fire and alcohol,” she noted. “Great combination.” The crew laughed, and she joined in the laughter. “Just, don’t get too crazy,” she said.

She found Grace and her friends winnowing wheat at their usual table. “Bread, or beer first?” Grace said, smiling. Alyx laughed. “I think either or both would boost morale,” she said. She sat down and helped strip a few stalks before continuing on her mission.

The gardening team were grateful for the tiller, and congratulated Alyx on her work. She smiled shyly, not particularly enjoying the attention, but happy to have helped. “We’re going to start with a small plot,” one woman said, “but we’ll expand in the spring.”

Buoyed by the good news, Alyx briefly considered going back to the infirmary, then thought again. There was nothing she could do, there, and it might be nice to get some rest, and get their quarters ready for Gordon’s return. She remembered the vase of greenery Dr. Kleiner had left for them when they first arrived, and thought she might do something similar. It was a small gesture, but it had made them both feel welcomed.

After visiting with a few more groups, she returned to her empty room. Moonlight filtered through the window, lighting everything in a pale blue glow that vaguely reminded her of the ice caves at Larsbreen. She shuddered as she remembered the terror they’d experienced there, and quickly tried to push it to the back of her mind. She remembered the look in Gordon’s eyes earlier that day, and suddenly she realized - she’d moved forward. He was still stuck. He’d barely had time to process what had become of the world. That bullet, still in his shoulder - god, he hadn’t even recovered from that, and here she was, pushing on - past her father’s death, past the horrors of their final battles, past everything, all the while trying to drag him along.

“Jesus, Alyx,” she said to the empty room. Should she go to him, and apologize for her obliviousness? No - that would only serve her own selfish needs. He didn’t need drama right now; he needed rest. She should focus on doing her best to welcome him home, and giving him a soft place to land.

She turned on the bare, overhead light and set about tidying the small space they shared. There wasn’t much to do - they’d hardly spent any time there. She needed something else to keep her busy. She was restless, bored, and lonely. She’d never felt lonely before in her life. Someone had always been there.

“Oh, Dad,” she said sadly. She dropped to her knees beside the empty bed, and cried.

She fell asleep sobbing into her mattress, still nestled on the floor beside it.


	6. Home

Gordon lay awake in the infirmary. He was lonely, but that wasn’t the worst of it. He was well now - he felt it deeply - and he was bored. He was ready to get back to work, back to life. And yet, he wasn’t. The thought of going back to his quarters with Alyx petrified him. He wanted to be with her - wanted it more than anything - but she was so strong right now, and he was so weak. He didn’t want to be a burden to her, and he feared he would.

He’d be out of commission for a while, he knew, with his right arm bound to his side. The infection had cleared, but the injury would still take some time to heal. He’d need help to do virtually anything. He didn’t like the thought of what the next few days would hold.

He sighed and tried to settle in to sleep. It refused to take him. He listened to the calming tones of the machines monitoring Dr. Kleiner - steady and regular.

For days, he and Kleiner had been the only ones inhabiting the room. That was somewhat reassuring. Whatever he might be missing, it wasn’t catastrophic.

He missed Alyx.

He was exhausted, but restless. _Please,_ he thought, _please just let me sleep._

A blinding white light was his reply. A doorway closed, and snake-like blue eyes gazed down at him. “Rest, Mr. Freeman? You desire...rest?”

 _Let me go_ , he wanted to shout, but the vision held fast.

“Recent...developments...have highlighted your susceptibility to physical...conditions...” the man hissed. “This is...unfortunate. My employers are...not pleased.”

The room flashed with a bright, white light, and Gordon found himself reliving his time on the Borealis. _No, please, anything but this._ People and places flashed past him, and reality threatened to slip from his grasp. He saw Judith, screaming in terror.

“There is one you left behind, Mr. Freeman. She remains...trapped. But she is still of use to us.”

Judith. Judith was alive. Gordon felt a mixture of relief and horror. His experience on that ship - it was something he wanted never to revisit. But if Judith was still out there, trapped in time...they had to save her.

He felt suddenly ill. Everything he’d bargained on lately felt like a lie. How could he imagine a life with Alyx, when this creature held their lives in his - its - hands?

His stomach seemed to fold in on itself, and he turned his head and began to vomit. Dr. Margolis rushed to his side, and the room returned to normal. He tried to reassure her that he was alright, but nausea and dizziness overtook him. He lost consciousness as Margolis called for a medic.

==========

On awakening, he felt a pleasant lightness. Oxygen - they were giving him oxygen - why? There was a fresh IV stuck in his arm.

Dr. Margolis noted his wakefulness. “Good,” she said. “You gave us a little scare, Dr. Freeman. You’re going to be fine.”

What did she mean, going to be? He was already fine. He was going home soon. He tried to sit up, but Margolis pressed her hand gently against his chest. “You need to rest while we get you back up to snuff,” she said. “Don’t be concerned. I’m going to get you out of here as soon as I can. I promise.”

His shoulder sagged with relief. He closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. Dr. Margolis checked a small monitor attached to his finger. She made a note on her chart, then checked his temperature. “You’re suffering from mild hypoxia and dehydration,” she said. “It’s not unheard of after surgery.”

If only it were that simple. He was suffering from the mother of all panic attacks, triggered by the unfortunate tendency of a malevolent overseer to appear at his moments of greatest vulnerability. His mind drifted back to his recent encounter with the man - it was fading, like a bad dream. But there was something he needed to remember - something crucial. What was it?

A medic was hanging another bag from the IV stand. “I’ve ordered you a sedative,” Margolis said. "If all goes well, I still intend to release you in the morning, but you need a good night’s rest.”

He took a deep breath. Between the oxygen and the sedative, he’d surely sleep well. Tomorrow, he’d go home... _home_. What did that even mean?

He didn’t have time to wonder before he drifted into a silent, dreamless, untroubled sleep.

==========

He was awakened by the sun pouring in through the infirmary windows. It had to be after 8:00, and Alyx wasn’t there. Neither was Barney. He felt profoundly lonely. He tried to push the feeling aside. They did have lives of their own, he reminded himself, although he’d grown accustomed to being at the center of those lives. _God, I’m an ass_ , he thought.

Dr. Margolis arrived at his bedside. She checked his vitals, removed the oxygen mask, and smiled. “I think you’ll survive,” she said. She removed his IV and placed a bandage over the small wound. She helped him out of the bed - his arm was still strapped to his side, and he was still dressed in that horrible hospital gown. “I’ll get you a wheelchair if you’d like.” He shook his head firmly. “Very well,” she said. “Isabel has gone to find Mr. Calhoun, to escort you back to your quarters. Let’s have a look at that shoulder.” She removed the tape that held his arm to his side, and slowly, gently, raised his injured limb over his head. When he didn’t flinch, she shook her head. “Astounding,” she said. “I still recommend you take it easy, and come see me if you feel any discomfort, but I’d say your recovery is all but complete.”

Gordon looked down at his feet. “You have concerns, Dr. Freeman?” Margolis said.

 _Yes,_ he thought. _I have concerns. There’s this small matter of the man who’s just waiting to spirit me away to my next “assignment.”_ How long would it be before that _thing_ called him back into service? Especially now that his - what had the man said - “physical conditions” were subsiding. Maybe this would be good time to sprain an ankle, or stab himself in the chest with a scalpel.

He looked at the doctor, smiled slightly, and shook his head. “Very well,” she said. “You are officially released.”

Barney had just arrived, and he grinned broadly. “Homeward bound,” he said. “Damn, aren’t you a sight,” he added. “Why don’t you change into your civvies? I know a certain young lady who’s awaiting your arrival, but those knobby knees of yours would put her right off her feed.”

With Barney and Dr. Margolis holding him steady, Gordon dressed in the khaki pants and flannel shirt Barney’d brought him. This was no time for modesty, he knew, but he didn’t care for being so vulnerable. Once dressed, he sat down on the hospital bed and pulled on his socks and shoes. All he needed now was his lab coat, and he might start feeling like himself again.

“Come on, pal. Let’s get you home,” Barney said.

There was that word again - _home_. Was that what their cramped quarters were? Home? It was where he went to sleep. It was where he and Alyx could be alone together - if that didn’t make it home, then what was it? Why did it still feel so temporary?

Bjørnøya had felt like home, even for the brief time they were there. Nobody and nothing had troubled them. He missed the shared camaraderie with the others. He missed the strict schedule and the regular meals He missed the unfathomable darkness of the nights, and the alien green glow of the Northern Lights. He missed the beer. He missed the sense of adventure, of purpose. He missed feeling capable and strong.

There it was. He hated his own weakness - the very thing that was, for the moment, keeping him safe.

“Gordon? You do want to get back to your quarters, right?” Barney said.

Gordon stood up again, a little wobbly on his feet. Barney went to steady him, but he held out his hands and found his own purchase on the ground beneath him. Together, they left the infirmary and began the long walk back to the residential wing. Gordon was surprised at how _well_ he felt. Just a few steps into their journey, his pace was steady and he felt fine, all things considered. He was still a touch lightheaded, but that could have been an after effect of the sedatives. His shoulder hurt, and the bruises on his chest were still shouting at him, but overall, he felt almost good.

“Got a little spring back in your step, I see,” Barney said. “Can’t say I blame you, you lucky dog.” Gordon cocked an eyebrow at his friend. “I know, I know,” Barney said. “I’m just sayin’.”

When they got to the door of Alyx and Gordon’s quarters, Barney gave a little knock, and announced, “Alyx. I brought something for you.” Immediately, the door opened, and there she was, wearing a ripped pair of jeans and a tight-fitting tank. She smiled up at Gordon for what felt like an eternity, then turned her smile to Barney.

“Thanks for the delivery, Barney,” she said. “I’ll take him from here.”

==========

Almost hesitantly, Gordon entered their room. The lights were dim, the blinds drawn closed, and there was a vase of greenery on the table next to their bed. “I thought you might want to rest,” Alyx said.

Closing the door behind him, Gordon pulled her into his arms, and slowly shook his head. He gazed at her with a look he hoped expressed what he did want.

“Uh uh,” she said. “No way. Sorry, but the doctor said you have to take it easy.” She smiled, but there was a deep weariness in her eyes.

He pulled her closer. “Gordon,” she said, but he silenced her with a kiss - just a brief one, to test the waters. When she pressed her lips back against his, he pulled her closer still. He had both arms around her, now, and he was amazed at the lack of pain in his right side. He must have flinched, because Alyx pulled back. “Does it hurt?” she asked, and he shook his head. She leaned back into his embrace. “That’s...that’s good, she said,” though he wasn’t sure exactly what she was referring to, as he’d begun to caress her back under her shirt. “Gordon,” she sighed, then pulled away. “Stop," she said. “Dr. Margolis insisted you take it easy, and I don’t want to get on her bad side.” His shoulders sagged. “I know. God, I know,” she said. “But we have to make sure you’re well.”

Gordon sighed and sat down on the bed. He looked at her longingly, and raised his right arm to show her he was fine.

“Well, that’s great, superman, but let’s not forget you’re recovering from an infection, not to mention complications from surgery."

Sighing, he put his face in his hands. He felt her sit down beside him, and put her arm around his shoulders. “Listen,” she said, and he looked up to meet her eyes. “I want you,” she said. “Right here, right now, more than anything. But I’m not putting your health in jeopardy.” He opened his mouth to protest, and she put her finger against his lips. “No,” she said. "I won’t risk your life. Not when I can help it.”

She stood up, and eased him back against the bed. “Rest,” she said, and smiled. “I have to go check on things around the base. You sleep, and I’ll bring you lunch. Rumor has it there’s something new today.” She pulled on her sweatshirt and jacket, kissed him on the forehead, and stood back and smiled. “You look good,” she said, resting her hands on her hips. “Really good.”

And with that, she turned and was gone.

==========

He tried to rest, but now he felt truly healed, and ready to be back in the thick of things. He glanced at the clock on the wall, and sighed. He’d been there for ten minutes. He stood and went to the windows, and opened the blinds. Brilliant sunshine poured in and he blinked as it struck his eyes. For a moment, he felt normal, and human.

He wanted to go find Alyx, but he had a feeling she’d have his neck if he wandered from the room. He laughed out loud at the thought, imagining what Barney might think. He adjusted his glasses and pondered his options.

There was one thing he could do that might not get him into too much trouble - he could go and check on Dr. Kleiner.

Despite his uncertainly at standing, he found himself feeling strong. He practically strode down the hall on his way to the infirmary. Once inside, he was delighted to find Dr. Kleiner sitting up and reading Dr. Magnussen’s latest writings. Smiling at his friend, he sat down next to the bed.

“Dr. Freeman,” Kleiner said, smiling weakly. He set the journal aside. “It’s good to see you.” He coughed lightly, but quickly recovered. “It’s good that you’re here,” he said. “Are you quite well?”

Gordon nodded enthusiastically. “I’m glad to hear that,” Kleiner said. “I’m afraid I have urgent news. I attempted to share this information with Miss Vance, but was unable. Do you recall our experience with the Advisor?”

Gordon frowned, and shook his head slowly. He remembered what had happened, but vaguely. The truth was, he’d been too terrified to process what was occurring. After watching Eli die at the hands of those things, he’d blocked most of the experience out. He seemed to be doing a lot of that, lately.

“Understandable, Kleiner said. “Please, don’t blame yourself, but do listen. The Advisor attack was a significant, telepathic event. What we know, they know. I can’t explain this in scientific terms. I can only tell you that it is a fact, and I’m certain of that.” His head bobbed slightly, as if the effort behind the explanation had exhausted him. He took a few deep breaths, then continued, “We have no secrets from what remains of the Combine,” he said, “and we haven’t since Eli’s death.”

The hair on Gordon’s arms prickled. If the Combine - however diminished - knew all their secrets, they were done. They could only hope their enemy was wounded enough to be unable to mount an offense. The fact that it had been days since their most recent attack seemed to bode well, but it was just a matter of time, he suspected.

“I am sorry to have to deliver such unpleasant news,” Kleiner continued. “Please understand that I have the utmost faith in you, in Miss Vance, and in the rest of the resistance to weather whatever comes next. You will save humankind. I believe it.” His breath shuddered. “And with that, I must rest,” he said. “Please, let Miss Vance know that I must speak with her, and take her my most heartfelt good wishes.”

==========

Grateful to have a mission, Gordon hurried to the mess hall. It was close to lunch time, and it seemed the most likely place to find Alyx, or at least Barney, who’d likely be keeping tabs on Alyx. As it happened, he found them sitting together, having an animated conversation. They stopped abruptly at the sight of him, and he wondered if he’d been the topic. Barney smiled broadly, but Alyx frowned.

“Gordon,” she said, “Dr. Margolis wanted you to rest. Couldn't you make it one single day?” He shook his head quickly, and glanced in the direction of the infirmary. “Dr. Kleiner,” Alyx said. “Oh, god, is he okay?” Gordon nodded, and reached for her hand. She took his, and rose from the table. “Okay,” she said, “let's go.”

Gordon looked at Barney and motioned for him to join them. “You got it, boss,” Barney said. Together, the three of them left the mess hall.

They burst into the infirmary and nearly ran over Dr. Margolis. “I thought I’d seen the last of you people,” she said sternly, but there was the hint of a smile on her face. “You may have five minutes with Dr. Kleiner - no more.”

Isaac’s eyes were closed, but they fluttered open at the sound of the threesome’s arrive. He looked up and smiled at the sight of his friends. “Alyx, Barney,” he said, his voice strong and clear. “It’s so good to see you both.” Then he frowned. “I only wish I had better news.” He went on to relay the message he’d shared with Gordon.

Alyx rubbed her face. “Gordon, does this sound like your experience?” she said. He frowned, and shrugged slightly. Then he sighed. She didn’t press him. “Okay,” she said, “so, we could be in serious trouble. What do we do?”

She looked from each man to the next. Gordon frowned - he wanted nothing more than to have an answer for her, but his mind was a fog.

“We up security, obviously,” Barney said, “but I’ll be damned if I know exactly what that means.”

“Magnussen’s already working on a perimeter alert system,” Alyx said. “Barney, I want you to assemble a team to determine what else needs to be done. I don’t want a single Advisor getting anywhere near this base. Dog seemed to sense them when - when they came the first time. I’ll take a look at his programming and see if I can figure out what triggered him. I’ll let you know what I find.”

“Little is known about how the Advisors operate,” Kleiner said. "Once I’m free of this cursed bed, I shall collaborate with my colleagues and see what I can learn.”

“Dr. Kleiner,” Alyx said, “I know you’re still recovering, but if I were to set up a radio for you, how would you feel about collaborating from here?”

“I promise nothing," Kleiner said, “but I will do my best. Dr. Freeman’s assistance would be invaluable.” Gordon nodded. He loathed the thought of spending any more time in the infirmary, but it felt good to be of use.

“He’s all yours,” Alyx said, and winked at him. “Okay, I guess we all know what we’re going to do. Let’s meet back up at dinner and share what we’ve learned. Gordon, come with me. I need your help to carry equipment.”

They said their good-byes and headed toward the workshop. “I’m sure there’s an extra, functioning radio in there, somewhere,” Alyx said. They walked together in silence. Gordon took Alyx’s hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He felt a nagging sense that there was something he needed to tell her, but he couldn’t recall what it was.

The workshop was empty when they arrived. Alyx seemed to know exactly where to look, and began poring over the equipment on the shelf before her. “This should do the trick,” she said, selecting an ancient, shortwave radio. She plugged it in to a nearby outlet, and waited as it warmed up. She turned to him and smiled. “I’m glad you’re so much better,” she said. He moved closer to her and smiled. “Settle down,” she said, and turned back to the radio. She adjusted the dial until she found a broadcast. “Okay,” she said. “Good start.”

They listened for a while, until the speaker identified as being in City 9. Alyx picked up the microphone and said, “City 9, this is White Forest, do you read?” A moment later there came a reply: “White Forest, we read you. How are things in your neck of the woods? No pun intended.”

Alyx laughed. “All quiet at the moment, but we have cause for concern. Do you have scientists stationed there?”

“Affirmative,” the voice said, “We’ve got a small crew. How can we assist?”

“Stand by for a couple of hours, and we’ll let you know,” Alyx said. “White Forest, over and out.”

She smiled at Gordon. “It works,” she said. “Help me haul this back to the infirmary, and we’ll get you two set up.”

He gazed at her for a moment. She smiled back, and shook her head. “Take it easy,” she said. “If you’re still standing at bedtime, we’ll talk. Or, you know...”

It was enough to keep him on his feet.


	7. Just Breathe

Gordon carried the radio, fully aware that Alyx hadn’t actually required his help. She must have realized he needed to feel useful, and had gone about putting him to work. He was grateful for the gesture. It was also likely, he realized, that she’d found a way to avoid her duties as the de facto site administrator - a position he knew she didn’t much care for. Still, she’d blossomed in the role, and his admiration for her grew by the moment.

When they arrived in the infirmary, Dr. Kleiner was asleep. Dr. Margolis looked askew at them, but allowed them to set up the radio on a table next to his bed. “I promise, Gordon will do the heavy lifting - figuratively, of course," Alyx said. “But we need Dr. Kleiner on this as well.” Margolis nodded in understanding.

Once the equipment was in place, Alyx turned to Gordon. “You’ll take things from here?” she said. He nodded, and leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. “I’ll see you at dinner,” she said.

As she left, Dr. Kleiner stirred, and slowly sat up. Gordon smiled at his long-time mentor. “Welcome back, Dr. Freeman,” he said. “Well, let’s get to it, shall we?” Gordon turned on the radio and they waited as it hummed to life.

They were able to contact several bases; none had reports of Advisor sightings. Gordon supposed that was good, but it left him uneasy. There had to be more out there, and he didn’t like not knowing where they were.

Next, they got in touch with the science team at City 9. “We’ve been awaiting your call,” a man said. “Dr. Thomas here. We’re told you have reason for concern. What’s troubling you, White Forest?”

With a heavy sigh, Dr. Kleiner related the details of the attack, and his notions about the Advisors. There was a long silence at the other end of the transmission, then Dr. Thomas cleared his throat. “That is disturbing news,” he said, “and your conclusions are equally disturbing.”

“We have plans to increase our security here at the base, but it is imperative that we understand the creatures’ motivations and intentions,” Kleiner said.

“Agreed,” said Dr. Thomas. “We’ll be in touch with other teams, and share information as it becomes available. In your opinion, is there any point in using secure channels?”

Kleiner looked at Gordon. “What do you think, son?” he said.

Gordon thought for a moment, then nodded slowly. “I tend to agree,” Kleiner said. “Dr. Thomas, my colleague and I feel the use of secure channels would be wise. There’s no point in simply handing them our information, assuming our communications are being monitored.”

Gordon wondered if keeping secrets would invite another attack, next time on a less well-fortified location. On the other hand, it didn’t make sense to try and out-think the Advisors, when they had so little knowledge to work with. They had to proceed with as much caution as they could manage.

He listened intently as the two scientists exchanged what information they did have. The creatures appeared to be cyborgs, combining organic and cybernetic features. They were intelligent, and possessed of incredible psychic and telekinetic powers. Perhaps most importantly, they were physically vulnerable, largely relying on their life support pods and readily injured once outside. Gordon recalled how easily Dog had been able to ward off their attack, and wondered if the robotic canine’s artificial intelligence might have provided some protection from the Advisors’ powers. Perhaps their telekinetic attacks required a vulnerable mind.

Gordon felt eager to touch base with Alyx and Barney, and learn what ideas they might have. He felt the idea of fighting the Advisors with artificial intelligence was a good one - one Alyx would probably have come up with herself, were she not so personally affected by the original attack. He was sure Barney would have assembled a good team already, and that the security of the base would soon be well in hand.

And there was something else, like an itch he couldn’t quite reach. He’d had to shove so much aside, just to maintain a shred of sanity - any number of thoughts and feelings could be trying to bubble up to the surface. As had become his habit, he pushed the nagging thought aside, and tried to focus on the immediate future. Any small step backward could become a giant leap into a place he wasn’t ready to cope with.

A place filled with bodies, blown to shreds. Bodies that had once been humans.

He shook his head rapidly, as if to clear the thoughts, and found Dr. Kleiner looking at him with some concern. "Dr. Freeman, are you quite all right?” he said.

Gordon took a deep breath, and nodded. “Very well,” said Kleiner, though he continued to watch Gordon from the corner of his eye. “Dr. Thomas, we shall be in touch soon.” He turned off the radio. “That’s quite enough for one evening, I believe,” he said. Gordon nodded again. “Dr. Freeman,” he continued, “something is clearly troubling you. If you need someone in whom to confide, I am always available.” Gordon stared at the floor for a moment, then looked up and smiled at Kleiner. He stood, nodded a goodbye, and left for the mess hall.

Anxiety was pushing his heart rate up. His palms felt moist and his breath was short. There was pressure in his chest. Halfway down the hall, he had to stop and pace his breathing before a full-blown panic attack overtook him. _What is this_? he thought. Of course, it didn’t _have_ to be anything in particular, but this time he felt it was. He was missing something, something important, and it was going to catch up with him.

He leaned against the wall for a moment, hoping no one else would happen by, until the surge of unwanted adrenaline gave way to relative calm. _Nothing’s chasing you, this time_ , he told himself. _It’s fine._

When he arrived in the mess hall it was still relatively empty. He scanned the room for his friends, and when he didn’t find them, he thought about leaving. He wasn’t ready to deal with anyone else. _Everyone who follows you dies_. Stop, he tried to tell his exhausted mind.

“Gordon? God, what’s wrong?” It was Alyx, grasping for his hands and looking worriedly into his eyes. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and tried to smile. “Stop that,” she said. “Something’s bothering you. Did you learn something bad with Dr. Kleiner? You’re scaring me.”

He must have looked even more of a mess than he felt. He put his hands on her shoulders and took a shuddering breath. “Okay,” she said. “I get it.” She gave him a soft smile. “You’re going to be fine,” she said. “Just....breathe.”

He closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath, then slowly released it. “That’s better, isn’t it?” she said. “Jesus, Gordon, you scared me. Come on, let’s find Barney. He was supposed to meet me here at 6:00.” She gave him a peck on the cheek, then took his hand and led him back into the rapidly crowding room. She glanced back at him. “You okay?” He nodded. “Promise?” she said. This time he managed to give her a genuine smile. “Okay. You’ve got this,” she said.

They found Barney standing in line for food. The evening’s offerings included mushroom and headcrab stew, acorn flatbread, and a slightly bitter rosehip jelly. It was better than anything Gordon had eaten since Bjørnøya. “Five weeks to beer, at the rate we’re going,” Barney said. “If I could get Alyx here to give up on running things, and spend her time supervising the grain crew, that is.”

Alyx laughed. “I’d be happy to do that, assuming you want to take over for me,” she said.

“You drive a hard bargain, little sister,” he said. “I suppose I’ll just have to be patient.”

Settling in for dinner with his friends, Gordon felt instantly better. For a lifelong introvert, he was amazed by how much he needed their company. “So,” Barney said, “Magnussen’s developed a new device - he’s calling it the Magnussen 2.0 - to help detect perimeter breaches. That’s a start. But we need to be able to respond to a breach. That’s where Dog comes in.”

Alyx piped in. “Dog was able to sense the Advisors. We’re still not sure how, but we suspect it’s some sort of sound signature beyond human hearing - just like a real dog.” She smiled proudly. “If I can determine what frequency he responded to, I should be able program him to react more quickly in case of an Advisor attack. But what I’d really love to do is get my hands on a small army of manhacks, and reprogram them with Dog’s sensitivities. Advisors wouldn’t stand a chance.” She smiled, then grew serious. “But of course, we’d have to venture into a fairly well-populated city to find any, and we don’t know how dangerous that might be.”

_Sign me up_ , Gordon thought. He couldn’t think of a better assignment. He looked at Alyx expectantly. “Gordon, we don’t even know where to begin looking,” she said. “We’ve got the word out, but it could be a while. The manhacks have been inactive since we launched the rocket.”

Of course. Without the Combine’s collective intelligence to oversee them, the manhacks had fallen silent. There had to be a stockpile somewhere. They couldn’t all have been housed at the Citadel; they were too quick to make their appearance wherever they were needed. Gordon cringed at the memory of the wretched things, but tried to imagine where they might have been collected. To figure it out, he’d have to delve into the memories of the weeks before; something he’d rather not do. Given the choice, he’d just as soon forget everything up until this particular moment, with the three of them together, enjoying a good meal.

Again, his thoughts threatened to overwhelm him, and he closed his eyes, just for a moment. It was long enough for Alyx to notice, and she put her hand on his arm. “Stay with me,” she whispered.

Eyes still closed, he nodded. He felt her stroking his arm, back and forth, so soothing. He opened his eyes and found her looking at him, her own eyes warm and filled with concern. He put his hand over hers and squeezed. Her gentle smile broadened. “I think I should get you home, soon,” she said. He nodded, and set about finishing his dinner.

==========

They said good night to Barney, and agreed to meet again for breakfast. They walked slowly back to their quarters, enjoying the feeling of their hands clasped together. “I know you have a lot on your mind,” Alyx said as they grew closer to their room. “I’m here if you want to talk about it.” He squeezed her hand.

When they entered the room, she said, “You’re still on your feet. I think I made a promise about that."

He pushed a hand through his hair. He was mentally exhausted, but he needed to be close to her.

"If you’re tired, it’s okay. So am I. But I’m not _too_ tired...”

He pulled her into his arms and pressed his mouth against hers. It seemed to take her a moment to adjust to his sudden change of attitude, and she giggled a little as he fumbled with her jacket. “Slow down,” she said, helping him ease the garment from her shoulders. She quickly shed her sweatshirt, and stood before him, her breathing shallow. “I...” she said, “I want to take it slow, this time. It seems like we’re always in a hurry. I mean, if you feel okay.”

His breathing fell into time with hers and he nodded, smiling. He took her into his arms and kissed her again, slowly this time. He pressed his lips against her forehead and at the space behind her ears, reveling in her soft sighs. She rested her hands on his hips and pressed against him. He let his hands wander up and down her sides, then eased her tank and bra over her head, gasping at the sight of her perfect breasts, freed from her clothing. He pressed his lips over her nipple and teased her with his tongue, his whole body responding as she moaned with pleasure. Slow, she’d said. He steadied his breathing, trying to pace his response. Keeping his mouth against one breast, he used his fingers to fondle the other, and she leaned into his touch with the sweetest whimper.

He eased her toward their bed, and guided her onto her back. He took off his glasses and lay them on the table, then pressed his lips against each of her breasts, in turn, always keeping his fingers in play on the other. She tensed and relaxed at his touch, every muscle in her body responding. It was all he could do not to lose control as he felt her react.

He kissed her belly as he unbuttoned her jeans, then slipped them off and over her thighs, past her ankles. He paused to give some attention to her feet and toes. She laughed as he caressed her soles, and sighed as he massaged her toes. He kissed his way up the inside of her leg, then returned his attention to her breasts.

“Gordon,” she sighed, and spread her legs slightly. “Keep doing that.” With one hand, she pulled his face closer to her chest, while the other guided his hand between her legs. She let her fingers dance over his as she showed him how to touch her. “That,” she sighed, “is heaven.” After a moment, she let her hand slip away, and rocked gently against his touch. He continued to please her breasts with his lips and tongue, while sliding his free hand behind her back to pull her closer.

Her breathing became ragged, and he took that as his cue to slide his fingers inside her. She moaned and pressed against his hand, taking her pleasure as he touched her. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could last without her as she arched against him. He pressed his thumb against her clitoris and kneaded her gently, and she gasped and mewled, her muscles tensing around his fingers as her entire body shuddered. She cried out as she gave in to his touch, and the world seemed to stop moving as he watched her lose herself completely.

After a moment, her breathing steadied, and she gazed at him, her eyes sleepy, but piercing. “Where do you want me?” she said, her breathing shallow.

He smiled down at her, and put his hands on her thighs. She closed her eyes and spread her legs father apart, and he pressed his lips between them, teasing her with his tongue. “Oh my god, you’re kidding me,” she gasped. He pressed harder, lapping her up, and she grasped his wrists and shuddered. “No,” she sighed, “it’s too good.” She wrapped her legs around his neck and pulled him closer still, and he felt as if he might die from pleasure. She tasted like heaven, and the subtle twitches and spasms of her body beneath him were driving him close to madness.

Before she could climax again, she pleaded, “I need you, all of you, now.” He was more than happy to oblige. With her help, he guided himself inside her. He sat up, and pulled her body against his. They sat face to face, legs wrapped around one another, moving together. Alyx sighed, and her face seemed to go slack, for a moment. Then she lay her head back and gasped. He felt her muscles tense again, and she cried out. With a guttural moan, he buried his face against her, and came undone. Together, they rode waves of pleasure, until Alyx lay back, laughing and panting for air. “Oh, my god,” she sighed. “God.”

He wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her back up toward him. He kissed her forehead, her ears, her neck. He gently stroked her sides and her back, burying his face against her shoulder. She took his face in her hands and kissed him deeply, and he kissed her back, wanting to somehow swallow her whole. She was everything in the world, and he wanted to possess her completely. “Gordon, I love you,” she sighed. He took a deep breath, and looked into her eyes. She stared back, her mouth open, her eyelids heavy. “I love you,” she said again. He pressed his lips against hers, and folded himself around her. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you.” He pulled her closer, and closer still.

“Gordon,” she whispered, “whatever happens, we have now.” He tensed for a moment, then relaxed back into her touch. She stroked his back, and sighed. “There,” she said. “Just breathe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings from self-isolation! I hope everybody out there in fiction land is doing okay. Thanks for reading and be well!


	8. Going Back

They spent the first of the morning wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing and caressing one another in a lazy haze of pleasure. Alyx sighed as Gordon kissed her neck, then her collarbone, then lower. She caught his hair in her hands. “Stop, you,” she said. “We promised Barney we’d meet for breakfast.”

With a sigh, Gordon nodded. Together they rose and dressed, and walked side by side to the mess hall. Barney was waiting for them near the beginning of the line, and he smiled in greeting. “Morning, lovebirds,” he said. “You two are looking refreshed. I hope you’re being gentle with my friend, Alyx. He’s fresh out of the hospital, you know.”

Gordon rolled his eyes and shook his head as Alyx laughed. “What? That’s all you got? You _must_ be in a good mood,” Barney said. This time, she shot him a warning look. “That’s better,” he said with a grin.

As they made their way down the line, Alyx asked Barney if he had any word on a source of manhacks. “Funny you should ask,” he said. “Turns out I know a guy, used to be Civil Protection.” Gordon and Alyx shared a glance. “He’s okay,” Barney said quickly. “He was in it for his family - wasn’t a double agent, but as soon as the Combine collapsed, he left it all behind. He’s holed up at a small base east of the old City 17. Damn, I love saying that. Anyway, this fella - name’s Mac - Mac knows where they used to house the things. There are warehouses scattered around the wastelands, all over the place so they could dispatch quickly - as I’m sure Gordon knows.”

Gordon winced. “Sorry,” Barney said. “I guess those memories are still a little raw.”

They were more than raw - he still had plenty of scars from their attacks. He hated the stupid, horrific little creatures whose sole job was to inflict pain - a job for which they were immensely well-suited.

They filled their trays and found a place to sit. “Anyway,” Barney continued, “Mac says he has some old maps that can help us find the warehouses. The catch is, we have to go to him. It’s a few days on foot, maybe a day or two if we can get a working vehicle. Can’t be sure; we have to bypass the contamination zone, and we don’t know how wide an area that is. Nobody’s been close since the core breach and the rocket.” He took a bite of his breakfast, and made an odd face as he chewed.

Alyx said, “That sounds like something Gordon and I should handle.”

“You trying to run away?” Barney said.

“Why not?” Alyx replied. “The teams are managing themselves, and I need a break from this place. I’m sure you can keep things under control, Deputy Calhoun.” She winked at him.

“Deputy? Madam, I’m honored.” He gave a small bow. “And - what am I eating? Is this supposed to be biscuits and gravy? It seems like that’s what it’s trying to be.”

Alyx shrugged and took another bite, as Gordon remained silent. "Whatever it is, it’s not headcrab,” Alyx said, still chewing. She finished her mouthful and said, “So, Gordon, you up for a mission? It’ll probably involve a lot less being shot at than the last time we left here.”

Absently, Gordon nodded. Getting away from the base sounded good. His days in the infirmary had left him feeling more than a little claustrophobic, and if he was being honest, he was curious what shape the surrounding areas might be in. Kleiner was right, he realized - mid-range teleportation was all but a necessity at this point. Even a day’s travel was more than they could afford - not that they had a choice.

“What’s on your mind?” she said, putting her hand over his. He realized he’d been tapping anxiously against the table. He shook his head. Truth was, he still didn’t know. “Do you want to do this? I could put together a team if you don’t.” He squeezed her hand, smiled, and nodded. “Good,” she said. “I miss us working together. I mean, like we used to.” She blushed a little and looked down at the table.

“Don’t make me separate you two,” Barney said.

“I’d like to see you try,” Alyx shot back, and Barney placed his hand over his heart.

“You wound me, young lady,” he said. He stood and picked up his tray. “My compliments to the chef - for trying, anyway,” he said. “Listen, let’s regroup at 10:00 and I’ll give you the specs for the mission. I’ve got to check in with Mac and get things finalized. How about I meet you in the infirmary so we can brief Dr. Kleiner?”

They agreed. “I’ll touch base with the teams and let them know I’m heading out,” Alyx said. “Gordon, why don’t you pack us a few days’ supplies and some gear? I think the jalopy’s still running, if you didn’t blow it up plowing over Hunters. I’ll have a look.”

They parted ways with warm good-byes, and Gordon returned to their quarters to pack some clothing. He hoped there might still be a selection of MREs in storage; in the meantime, he went to the armory to ensure they had plenty of weaponry. He had no idea what, if anything, they might encounter, and he wanted to be ready. He wondered if he should pack a small tent, and decided it would be a good idea, just in case. Sleeping bags? If they took the jalopy, they’d have room. If they were on foot, it would be a different story.

He found a surprisingly large stash of MREs in storage, and packed a couple of days’ worth. He checked the time - it was close to 9:30. He made his way down to the garage, where he found Alyx looking over the jalopy.

“Needed oil,” she said, “but I think it’ll carry us.” She turned to him and cocked her head. “I’m excited,” she said, and smiled. He was excited, too - thrilled, in fact. For as much as tended to crave routine, lately he’d found it stifling. Being trapped in the infirmary had done something to his tolerance for the mundane. He smiled back, and together they loaded their gear into the back of the car.

"Okay,” Alyx said. “Let’s go check on Dr. Kleiner.”

==========

Dr. Kleiner was awake and reading, Gordon was happy to see. He beamed at the sight of them. “I know a mission when I see one, and it would seem you young people are about to embark on a big one,” he said.

Alyx laughed. “We have some ideas,” she said. She proceeded to fill him in on what they had in mind.

"Excellent,” Kleiner said. “Do be wary of the contaminated zone. It might not be obvious which areas are safe for travel. When in doubt, go around.” Gordon and Alyx promised to be cautious.

“I sketched out a rough map based on what Mac told me,” Barney said. “This should get you to him, then he’ll take it from there.”

“You sure you trust him, Barney?” Alyx said.

“We served together,” Barney replied. “Granted, it was in the devil's army, but still, you get to know a person.” They all nodded. If Barney trusted Mac, that was enough.

They chatted for a while, until Dr. Margolis ushered the crowd away. “Mr. Calhoun,” she said, “let me have a look at you before you go. Dr. Freeman, you too.”

“I’ll go check with my teams,” Alyx said. “Gordon, let’s leave right after lunch. It’ll help preserve our rations.” Gordon nodded.

Once Alyx had left, Dr. Margolis removed Barney’s sling. “Raise your arm slowly,” she said, and he complied. “Any pain?”

“Nope,” Barney said. “Do I get demerits if I tell you I’ve already taken it off a time or two? Couldn’t have drawn a map with my left hand,” he confessed.

She gave what might have been a laugh, and shook her head. “I’d say you’re doing just fine,” she said. “Consider yourself free. Just be cautious.” She turned to Gordon. “And how are you feeling?” she said.

“Oh, our friend Gordon’s just fine,” Barney said. At Gordon’s warning expression, he laughed. “I’m vouching for you! Wouldn’t want the good doctor here to cancel your field trip.”

Dr. Margolis frowned. “Off on a new adventure already, are we?” she said. She lifted Gordon’s right arm over his head. She checked his breathing, his temperature, and his pulse. “Well,” she said, pursing her lips, “you seem to be in good health, although you shouldn’t be. No one should take a beating like you did and be off galivanting around three days later. But I suspect nothing I say will stop you. Very well, you have your doctor’s permission.”

Gordon smiled a thank-you, and he and Barney left.

“That woman rides my last nerve,” Barney said, and Gordon laughed. “But, I’m free,” Barney added, raising his hands above his head in a gesture of victory. He flinched a little and lowered his arms. “Guess maybe I’ll take it easy for a while,” he said. “Now, listen. Mac’s a little hesitant to be around people who weren’t CP. He’s not proud of his past, any more than I am. So walk softly, but remember, he’s going to respond to authority. Needless to say, he knows who you are, and while he may not be your biggest fan, he respects you. Use that how you will.” Gordon nodded in understanding. “I’m gonna let him know you’ll be on your way, and that you’ll be traveling by vehicle. Don’t want him getting spooked when he hears an engine approaching.”

They parted ways. Gordon still had an hour or so to kill before lunch. He decided to spend the time working on his theory regarding the Advisors and their potential difficulties with AI, so he’d have something to show Alyx as they proceeded on their mission. It heartened him how her ideas had already meshed with his.

It suddenly occurred to him that he hadn’t returned to the lab since the attack. Once again, he felt his heart beginning to beat a little too quickly, and a familiar pressure in his chest. _No_ , he told himself. _Don’t give in to this_. He walked with purpose to the lab, and opened the door before he could question the decision. The vague odor of burned electronics still lingered, the now-closed window trapping the smell in the room. Gordon found a mostly empty notebook and perched himself in a chair, and began to write. In a short time, he forgot his panic as he lost himself in his work.

==========

As lunch time approached, he took his notebook and pen in hand, and made his way to the mess hall. Alyx and Barney were there already, and they motioned for him to join them in line. With muttered apologies, he made his way past a few people, who seemed all too happy to let him cut ahead of them. Celebrity had its perks, he supposed.

With lunch trays in hand, they settled in at a table, and Gordon passed his notebook to Alyx. She perused the pages of notes, nodding as she read. She folded the notebook to an empty page, and jotted some notes of her own, then slid the book back to him, raising her brow at him as she did so. He read what she’d written, and smiled. “Looks like we’re on the same page,” she said, and he nodded in agreement. “That’s good,” she said. “I like that.”

The three of them ate in relative silence. When they were done, Alyx said, “I guess we should be on our way.”

Barney nodded. “That you should,” he said. “I’ll see you off.” He followed them to the garage, and hugged each of them. “You two be careful out there. Stay in touch and let me know if you need anything.

Gordon slid into the driver’s seat; Alyx took her place in the passenger’s side. “I don’t know why I let you drive,” she said with a smile. Gordon rolled his eyes and started the engine, and with a few false starts, they tore out of the garage.

==========

They traveled back up Highway 17 toward the city. Alyx had retrofitted the jalopy with an old Geiger counter; it would hopefully be enough to guide them away from the worst danger. Gordon was a better driver than he had been the last time he traveled this route - dodging and mowing down hunters had trained his reflexes. They traveled nearly 300 miles before the counter began to tick, ever so slightly. The sun had just dipped down below the horizon.

“Is that our signal to stop for the night?” Alyx said. “It’s getting dark, and it sounds like we’re going to have to go off-road soon.” Gordon nodded, and pulled the car onto the shoulder of the highway. For miles, they’d seen nothing - not a single creature, organic or otherwise, had disturbed their journey. “Pitch a tent, or sleep in the car?” she said.

Either way seemed safe. Sleeping in the car would certainly be more expedient, but much less comfortable. With a shrug, Gordon stepped out of the vehicle, and begin unloading their cargo. “Thank you,” Alyx said. “I like this decision.”

Together, they set up the small tent, and unrolled their sleeping bags inside. “Oh, no,” Alyx said. “This won’t do.” She zipped the bags together to form a single, oversized place for them to sleep. “It’s going to be cold,” she said. “We need to share body heat. I’m just being practical.” She smiled. Gordon laughed and kissed her on the forehead.

They sat on a large rock outside the tent, eating their rations and watching as the stars spread across the sky. “I’ll never stop being scared of the dark,” Alyx confessed, “but I’ll never stop loving the night sky.” Gordon pulled her close, surprised by her confession. He found it difficult to imagine that the bravest person he knew feared the dark. They’d spent so much time there - creeping through canals, fighting zombies in basements, traversing abandoned tunnels and garages. He suspected she’d be equally surprised to learn of his fear of heights.

They watched as the Milky Way made its appearance. “We’re so tiny,” Alyx said. “But I still feel like we matter.”

After a while, they snuggled into their shared bed and wrapped their arms around each other. They quickly slipped into sleep, tangled together, her breath warm against his neck.

===========

They awoke with the sun, and unpacked their camp before saying a word. Instinct drove them, and their familiar way of working together in combat seemed to serve them well, even when no threat presented itself. It felt good to be prepared for anything. Minutes past dawn, they were back on their way, ready to leave the highway at the first signs of danger.

The Geiger counter continued to tick, but remained steady and constant. They were close to Nova Prospekt before the counter’s ticking became more frantic. “Of course,” Alyx said. “That place is cursed.” She shuddered, and Gordon reached out to stroke her hair, but she shook his touch away. “Don’t, please,” she said gently. “I need to be in my own head for a while. And you can’t drive one-handed.” She gave him a subtle smile.

He gave her the space she wanted. The Geiger counter continue to warn them, though they were still safe, by Gordon’s reckoning. Still, it was just a matter of time before they’d have to leave the highway. Soon, they’d have to determine their best route around the city. He was in no mood to encounter an antlion colony, or worse.

At last, the ticking approached a fever pitch, and Gordon looked at Alyx. She nodded, a grim look on her face, and he steered the car up the embankment. At the crest, they tried to make out a pathway through the wastelands beyond. Alyx pulled Barney’s hastily drawn map from her pocket, and her face twisted in confusion. “I can’t make out a thing from this,” she said. Gordon peered over her shoulder for a moment, then took the steering wheel again and gunned the engine. “Did you hear me?” Alyx shouted. “I have no idea where we’re going!” Gordon nodded, and continued driving, hopeful that his course would take them in the right direction.


	9. What Doesn't Kill You (Still Hurts)

Gordon used the sound of the Geiger counter and the position of the sun to guide their path east of the city. Now and again, they caught glimpses of smoke on the horizon. “I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, there,” Alyx said. There was a darkness in her eyes, and Gordon realized the only home she’d ever known had been leveled - and it was in no small part his doing. It wasn’t guilt that he felt, just responsibility. He put his hand on her thigh, and she looked at him and smiled. “Both hands on the wheel, mister,” she said, and her eyes brightened a little.

The came upon a massive grain elevator, standing like a skeleton among the emptiness. “Hold on,” Alyx said. She pulled the map from her pocket and scanned it quickly. “Here,” she said, pointing. “I know where we are now.”

Gordon stopped the car and examined the map with her. They appeared to be less than thirty miles from the base where Mac was staying. Gordon took a moment to get oriented, memorizing the other landmarks along the way. There wasn’t much to go on. “I think I can navigate from here,” Alyx said. “Let’s go.”

A little more than half an hour later, they approached what had to be the base. There were a few warehouses - some of them nearly gutted - and a handful of smallish outbuildings. A decrepit chain-link fence, topped with concertina wire, surrounded the compound, which boasted a water tower and a handful of generators. Their roar drowned out any sound that might have come from within; still, the place seemed empty. Gordon parked the car, and the two of them got out and approached the fence, their weapons at the ready.

“Hello?” Alyx called. “It’s Alyx Vance and Gordon Freeman. We’re here to see Mac. Barney sent us.” After a moment of unearthly silence, save for the generators’ rumbling, a door on one of the smaller buildings opened, and a dark-haired, mouse-like woman came out. She looked from Gordon to Alyx, then back again.

“It really is you,” she said, and quickly ducked back inside. Alyx and Gordon glanced at each other, wondering what to do next.

A moment later, a small, somewhat heavy man with unkempt hair and a full beard came out. He approached them slowly. He looked a bit feral, Gordon thought, with more than a trace of paranoia in his eyes as he glanced from one of them to the other. “Gordon Freeman,” he said. “I’ll be damned.” Still standing across the fence from them, he stared for a long while. “I think I tried to kill you a few times,” he said, then his face broke into a wild grin and he laughed.

Unsure what else to do, Gordon grinned back. “No hard feelings,” Mac said. “You killed plenty of my buddies. I reckon we’re even.” Gordon’s smile faded, even as Mac’s didn’t. “Hold on, I’ll go open the gate. Pull your car into that warehouse,” he said, gesturing over his shoulder at a relatively intact, blue metal building. “Can’t be too careful.”

Gordon and Alyx exchanged another glance; Gordon wondered exactly what it was they were being careful of.

They heard the sound of a gate rolling open, and they got back in the car and drove toward the source of the noise. Mac slid open a door on the warehouse, and Gordon drove inside. The interior was unlit, and he waited impatiently for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Inside was a collection of dusty shelves packed with an assortment of cardboard boxes. It didn’t look like anything in the room had been touched in decades. Gordon and Alyx stood in the dark, waiting for Mac to come back from closing and chaining the gate. He returned and stood in the open doorway, his strange frame silhouetted by the midday sun. “Well,” he said after a moment. “Come on.”

They followed him back to the building where the woman had appeared. He knocked rapidly on the door a few times, then opened it and went inside. The woman was pouring water from an ancient canteen into a couple of old, glass jars. “It’s all I have to offer,” she said quietly. Gordon and Alyx thanked her.

“My wife, Jenny,” Mac said. “She’s my whole universe, and the reason I joined CP. And now, I have to protect her from them. Some of the old crew aren’t too happy with traitors.” A look passed between the couple, signaling a lifetime of sacrifices.

“So Civil Protection is still around,” Alyx said, her voice brimming with disappointment.

“Oh yeah, they’re still around,” Mac said. “Fuckers don’t know what they’re doing, but they’re still around.” He sat down at the table, and Jenny joined him. He motioned for Gordon and Alyx to do the same. “We’ve been holed up here since the city was destroyed. We were lucky to get out alive.”

“Are you here by yourselves?” Alyx said.

Mac shook his head slowly. “Nope,” he said, “But you won’t see nobody else.” He drew a cigarette from his pocket, along with a box of matches. He lit the cigarette and took a long drag, then began to cough violently. When the fit was over, he said, “I’m probably dying. Doesn’t matter. If these things don’t kill me, my old buddies will. It’s just a matter of when.” Jenny put her hand on his arm, her face expressionless.

The sat quietly, sipping their water, until the silence became too uncomfortable. “Mac,” Alyx said, “Barney said you could help us find manhacks.”

Mac nodded. “Yep,” he said. “You won’t have too much trouble. They’re all over the place.” He shifted in his chair as he reached into to pocket of his jeans, and produced a crudely-drawn map not unlike the one Barney had given them. “They’re useless,” he said. “Take their orders from Overwatch. No Overwatch, no orders. But if you want ‘em, they’re yours.”

Odd, Gordon thought, that he seemed to consider them his to give. Still, he nodded in thanks. Alyx was perusing the map, and nodded occasionally as she seemed to get oriented. “I think I know where we’re going,” she said. Gordon stood and looked over her shoulder, until he too felt like he knew the way.

“Doesn’t talk much, does he,” Mac said.

Alyx and Gordon looked up from the map, and shook their heads slightly. Mac laughed. “Guess he don’t need to, with you thinkin’ for him,” he said. Alyx laughed. “I guess not,” she said, and winked at Gordon.

He tried to return her good-natured smile, but he was suddenly feeling profoundly uncomfortable. For all of Mac and Jenny’s hospitality, they despised him - he felt it deeply. Sitting at their table in ordinary, civilian clothing, he was no more intimidating than any other man, and he wouldn’t have blamed the old soldier for taking revenge while he could. He looked at Alyx and gestured toward the door with a jerk of his head. She opened her mouth as if to protest, then closed it and nodded. “We should get going,” she said. “We still have a long trip home, after we find the hacks.”

“Suit yourself,” Mac said. “Watch your backs. There are plenty of folks out there who’d love nothing more than to see you both dead.” He stared directly at Gordon, his smile set firmly. Gordon felt a chill run down his spine, but he returned the smile, and nodded a goodbye.

Gordon walked quickly back to the car, with Alyx hurrying to keep up with his pace. “Gordon,” she said, her breath shallow, “slow down.” He stopped and turned to her. He took her hand, and together they rushed to the warehouse where the jalopy was parked. “What is it?” she said. “What’s got you spooked?” They got into the car and Gordon sped quickly to the gate - it was still chained shut. He looked at Alyx. “Calm down,” she said firmly. Max walked out of the building they’d just left, and made his way deliberately toward the car. He stopped and stared at them for a moment. “Gordon?” Alyx said quietly, “What’s going on?”

After a moment, Mac turned away and unlocked the gate. He opened it and waved them out. Gordon put the car into gear and sped away quickly, the rear tires leaving a stream of dust in their wake. When they were half a mile or so away, he slammed on the brakes, shut off the car, and sat with his face in his hands. Alyx put her hand on his neck and rubbed gently. “What happened back there?” she said. He looked at her from under his hands, and found her golden eyes pleading. He sighed and looked away.

“You’re terrified,” she said. “Did he say something to you?” He shook his head.

“I trust you,” she said. “If you felt something...it’s okay. We’re safe. Well, as safe as we can be.” He nodded, but continued to sit still, trying to steady his breathing. “Come on,” she said. “We know where we’re going. Let’s get there, and get this over with.”

_If it’s not a trap_ , Gordon thought. No, he couldn’t think like that - second guessing their every move wouldn’t help. He sat upright and started the car again. With Alyx still watching him, he drove toward the warehouse nearest to them on the map.

==========

A chill passed between them as they approached the warehouse - it was stark building, made of a bluish-black metal, rising out of a sandy patch of naked land. They sat in the car for a moment, parked a good block away, waiting for something to happen.

When nothing did, Alyx took Gordon by the hand, and led him out of the vehicle. They approached the building with caution, weapons readied, prepared for anything. They startled a small flock of crows, and both of them stumbled back, gasping. Alyx looked at him. “I guess we’re both on edge,” she said. “Come on. We’ve got to keep it together.”

They continued walking, with more purpose this time. As they came close to the building, they shared a glance. There were no obvious doors, but a truck parked nearby offered access to the roof. Alyx scrambled up first, and Gordon followed quickly behind her.

There was a row of windows cresting the roof, and peering through, they found the building empty of movement. Gordon removed his shirt and wrapped it around his arm, then broke through the window with his elbow. Nothing stirred below. He quickly re-dressed, then looked back to gauge the distance he’d have to jump. “Gordon, it’s too far,” Alyx said.

He plucked a few pieces of broken glass from the window frame and peered through. There was a stack of crates nearby; if he judged the distance properly, he could just make it to the top. If he misjudged, he’d break a leg at the very least. “This is crazy,” Alyx said. “There has to be another way in.”

They clambered back down and scouted the perimeter. At last they found what they were looking for - an entry, a good thirty feet from the building, disguised as a cellar or storm shelter. It was, surprisingly, unlocked, and together they heaved the heavy doors open. They climbed down into a short tunnel, lit by red bulbs, and soon emerged in the warehouse.

The walls were lined with stark black shelves, packed to the inch with manhacks and city scanners. “I don’t think they dispatched from here,” Alyx said. “There’s no place for them to exit. I think it’s literally a warehouse.” Gordon nodded. Together, they browsed the aisles. It felt bizarre to see these instruments of terror, silent and still, and in such massive numbers. “They’re...they’re smaller than I realized,” she said. Gordon nodded in agreement.

“Gordon, something Mac said - he said that without Overwatch, they had no orders. That suggests there’s - was - a central intelligence that tells the manhacks what to do. Maybe we don’t have to reprogram them individually. Maybe we can figure out how to control the collective.” Tentatively, she took a single manhack from a shelf, careful to avoid its vicious blades. “I only need one,” she said. “Grab one of those scanners,” she said. “There’s a good chance they share a control source. We can cross-reference them with the manhacks.” She sighed. “It seems crazy to be taking these with us,” she said. Gordon agreed, but said nothing. “Let’s get out of here,” she said. “It’s too creepy.”

They strapped the equipment on the back of the car, atop their tent and other gear. “Let’s just hope Overwatch is well and truly out of commission,” Alyx said. Gordon’s eyes widened, and he nodded. They headed back toward White Forest as fast as they could travel.

They stopped near the same point as before, though it would leave them a longer trip in the morning. They both were exhausted after their bizarre visit with Mac and Jenny, and the frightening journey through the warehouse. Gordon was ready to rest in silence and watch the stars together, again.

==========

Gordon awoke to the sound of Alyx crying quietly. He pulled her into his arms and held her as she sobbed. After a while, she looked up at him and smiled. “Sorry,” she said. “Sometimes I miss Dad.” He kissed her forehead. “I can put it aside,” she said, “but seeing all that tech, it took me back. It all seems so far away now, somehow, but I know it’s not.”

Gordon had the opposite problem. The absence of the Combine seemed profoundly _normal_ to him, so much so that it was easy to almost forget what had become of the world. He’d visited Eastern Europe before, and it had always struck him as rather brutally cold and authoritarian. Not nearly as much as under Combine rule, but it had been different enough from his own day to day reality that he could still imagine the world he’d known, flourishing, somewhere across an imagined ocean. The idea that Seattle, Boston, Innsbruck - all the cities of his youth - were gone, sublimated by a new global order, was still unfathomable. At some point, he imagined, he’d have to see for himself, before it would feel real, and he dreaded that day.

She seemed to read his mind. “Do you want to go back? To your old home?” she said. He licked his lips as he thought, then shook his head. The truth was, he didn’t. He wanted to preserve his memories, as false as they might now be. “Me neither,” she said. “It hurt to go back.” Again, he felt a deep sense of responsibility for her pain, and he held her close.

They packed up their camp, and drove the five hours back to White Forest. The threat of rogue CP seemed a distant memory, and Gordon vaguely wondered if Mac had been telling the truth. Maybe he’d just been trying to intimidate them. Still, he’d take the warning seriously, and relay it to Barney when they saw him again.

==========

They arrived home in the early afternoon. Barney was at the gate to greet them, and he frowned when he saw the manhack and scanner on the back of the vehicle. “Could have gone a lifetime without seeing either of those things again,” he said. “But good work. Honestly, I was afraid you’d bring back a small army.” Gordon chuckled and shook his head. “What’s troubling you, pal?” Barney said. When Gordon didn’t answer, he added, “Mac’s something, isn’t he. He say anything useful?”

“Barney,” Alyx said, “he suggested there might still be rogue CP out there, maybe holding a grudge.”

“Oh, I'm sure there are,” Barney said. “But they’re just schoolyard bullies, at this point. No need for you two to worry. They’re harmless without the Combine behind them.”

Alyx sighed. “That’s what I figured,” she said, “but to hear Mac talk...”

“Mac has good reason to be afraid of them,” Barney said. “They see him as a traitor, and that’s how he sees himself. They go after him, he’ll throw himself at their mercy. It won’t end well for him. Sorry to be so blunt, but I know how these guys think.”

Alyx put a hand on Barney’s shoulder. “I’m really glad you didn’t end up like that,” she said.

“Who says I didn’t?” Barney said, with a laugh that was a little too bitter for Gordon’s comfort. He looked at his friend, trying to read the emotions behind the friendly exterior. He couldn’t see through the smile.

Alyx said, “Let’s get these things to the workshop. I want to find out what makes them tick.” Her companions agreed, and the three of them piled uncomfortably into the car for the brief drive. Gordon insisted on making it a ride they’d not soon forget.

Laughing, they stumbled out of the vehicle. They stood for a moment, staring at the strange mechanical creations strapped to the back. “You sure those things aren’t going to activate?” Barney said.

“Not at all,” Alyx confessed. “The sooner we open them up, the better.”

They unpacked the manhack and the scanner and hauled them into the workshop. Alyx immediately set to work dismantling the devices. Gordon wasn’t sure how much of her work was professional curiosity, and how much was a desire to render them inert, but he admired her speed and precision.

He approached her side and looked over her shoulder. “They’re deceptively simple,” she said. “Each has one purpose, and there’s no real programming involved. To put it simply, manhacks hack, and scanners scan.” She smiled, and shrugged. “So the question is, how do they know where to go? That’s where Overwatch comes in. These devices are controlled by a central intelligence, same as CP. Without that, they’re useless. Of course, the Metrocops still have their humanity, to some degree.” She looked at Barney. “Some more than others,” she said quickly. Barney smiled and lifted his chin. “Anyway, it makes sense that Overwatch was situated in the Citadel, although we can’t be sure of that. You’ll recall, we had some incidents with Civil Protection in City 36, well after the destruction of City 17.”

Gordon nodded, remembering the faked Breencast, and the small contingent of Metrocops that had greeted them there.

“So”, Alyx continued, “there has to be a secondary control, somewhere. Or maybe there are multiple, decentralized control points. That’s what we need to figure out.”

“Sounds like a job for our esteemed leader, Miss Alyx Vance,” Barney said.

Alyx brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. “Yeah. I guess so.”

Gordon put a hand on her shoulder, and a moment later, Barney did the same. “We’ve got you,” he said. “You don’t have to do this alone. None of it.”

Alyx nodded. “I know,” she said. “Thanks. I just wish I knew where to begin.”

“Start with what you know,” Barney said. “You say there was CP in City 36? Start there.”

Alyx gave a shallow laugh. “I don’t know, Barney. Maybe you’re right. It’s worth a shot.”

“Never know if you don’t try,” he said.

“Okay. If you need me, I’ll be in the radio station.” She kissed Barney on the cheek, squeezed Gordon’s hand, and quickly left the workshop.

They watched as she left, then Barney said, “That’s one hell of a woman.”

Gordon could not have agreed more.


	10. Going Nowhere

Alyx sat down at the radio with a mixture of hope and anxiety. She had no doubt that her friends at City 36 would happily accept a new mission; she was less certain of their ability to carry it out. Still, it couldn’t hurt to try. “City 36, this is White Forest, do you read?”

Again, the reply came quickly, as Ron’s voice crackled over the radio, “Alyx? Is that you? Ron here, over!”

She laughed and said, “It’s me. Listen, I’ve got a mission for you. You up for it?”

“Are you kidding? We’re bored out of our skulls. Bring it on.”

Alyx detailed the events of the past two days, with Ron interrupting frequently to express envy over what he seemed to imagine must have been quite an adventure. “Here’s what we need from you,” she said. “We need to know where those fake Breencasts came from, and who was feeding orders to the Metrocops. Do you think you can help us with that?”

“We can sure try,” Ron said. Most of the gang’s out hunting headcrab right now, but I’ll fill them in when they get back. Thanks, Alyx. I’ll be in touch soon.”

“Thanks, Ron. Over and out,” Alyx said.

She headed back to the workshop, to see if she could glean anything more from the devices themselves. Gordon and Barney had long since left, and she found herself happy to be working alone, without distractions - something Gordon had definitely become, though she wasn’t going to complain.

She carefully examined each electronic component, but found nothing that could give her useful information. They were remotely controlled devices, no more intelligent than the toy car her father had once fashioned for her. She supposed that was some small relief.

On the other hand, that toy car had eventually evolved into Dog. She reminded herself to be cautious.

If she could determine what frequency the devices responded to, she might be able to triangulate the source. Suddenly she wished she hadn’t been so quick to disassemble them. But the guts were still intact enough that she believed she could test their responses.

She found a disused set of walkie-talkies on the workshop shelves, their battery packs miraculously still intact, and began fiddling with the dials to see if she could trigger something. They were probably too short-range, but it was worth a try. Nothing happened. She tried various combinations of frequencies - still nothing. She needed to go back to the radio station and play with a broader variety of frequencies, but her gut told her there was some specific frequency or combination she was unlikely to stumble upon. As much as it pained her, she would have to be patient, and see if Ron and the crew were able to make a discovery.

There was a quiet knock at the door, and Gordon appeared. He gave her a warm smile, and glanced at the array of equipment spread out on the counters. He looked at her and raised his eyebrows.

“Nothing,” she said. “I’ve got word out to City 36. They’re doing what they can. We’ll see what they come up with.”

Gordon nodded and approached her slowly, deliberately. He reached out to draw her into an embrace - a gesture she quickly accepted. His body was warm and comforting, and she rested her head on his shoulder for a moment before looking up to meet his eyes. “I’m a little overwhelmed,” she admitted.

He caressed her cheek and kissed her softly. “Stop,” she said, the shudder in her voice belying her emotions. “No, really,” she said a moment later, pulling away. “This isn’t going to wait.”

With a teasing smile, Gordon let her go, and began looking over the equipment. She watched as he perused each circuit, his face serious. She knew this was not his area, and she wondered what he hoped to discern. “Gordon,” she said, “you don’t actually have to be a superhero, every time.” He glanced at her, and smiled. “I’ll figure it out,” she said. “Somehow.”

==========

They walked slowly back to the base, to the radio station. Barney was there, monitoring communications. “Well, hello there, you two,” he said. “Nice to see you out and about.”

Alyx winked. “Anything from our friends at City 36?” she said.

Just as Barney opened his mouth to speak, the radio crackled to life with a signal from Ron. “Hey, White Forest, it’s City 36,” he said. “You there?”

Alyx took the mic. “Hey Ron, It’s Alyx. Tell me some good news.”

“Sorry, Alyx,” Ron said. “I don’t have any. We tore up the screens and even found some old CP uniforms. There’s nothing - they’re just receivers. We can’t tell from where.”

“That’s our experience, too, Ron,” Alyx said.

“Oh, good. I mean, not good, but I’m glad it’s not just us.”

"Not at all. Thanks for trying.”

“It’s a shame Dr. Mossman isn’t around,” Ron said. “She knew their systems better than anybody.”

Gordon’s face went white. He stepped back, almost stumbling, and steadied himself against the counter behind him. “Judith,” he muttered.

Alyx couldn’t make out his expression. It was a combination of shock, fear, and guilt, and for a moment she wondered if he’d somehow blocked out the experience at Larsbreen. “Gordon,” she said sharply, “tell me what’s going on.” Barney rushed toward his friend.

He looked at them both. “Still trapped,” he gasped.

Something like an electric shock passed through Alyx. Instantly, she understood. “That man,” she said, “you saw him, and he told you.”

Gordon nodded emphatically, and an expression of grief crossed over his face.

“What man?” Barney said, looking back and forth between his friends.

“Shit,” Alyx said. “Can we save her? How? We destroyed the ship, didn’t we?”

Gordon was gripping the countertop, as if he’d fall down if he let go. Clearly, he had no idea what they were supposed to do. “When?” Alyx said. “When did you see him? Oh, god, it was during your surgery, wasn’t it? That would be just like him.”

Gordon nodded. “That bastard,” Alyx said. “Okay. Think, Alyx, think.” She rubbed her hands over her face. “The map,” she said. “You made a map of the Borealis’ appearances. Maybe...maybe there’s something there that could help us.” Gordon nodded again.

“What man?" Barney repeated.

Alyx shook her head. “It’ll have to wait, Barn. I’m sorry.” She turned to Gordon. “If we can save her, we will,” she said. “And don’t you dare blame yourself for this.”

Gordon sighed, and gave a small nod. “I'm serious,” she said. She went to him and pulled him into her arms. “You saved the world,” she said. “And now, if we can, we’ll save Judith. This is not on your shoulders.” He sagged a little, and let his head rest on her shoulder. She stroked his hair and kissed his head. “It’s okay,” she said. “It’s okay. You ready?" He nodded again and took a long, deep breath. Alyx went to the transmitter. “Ron, are you still there?”

“I’m here,” he said. “What’s going on?”

“It’s difficult to explain. I need you to do us a favor."

“Say the word,” Ron said.

Alyx described the map Gordon had created, and asked Ron to make a list of the locations of the black pins - the ones Gordon had used to mark the more recent locations of the ship as it passed through space and time. “I’ll save you some time, Ron,” she said. “You only need to list locations within a few hundred miles of our base.”

“You got it,” Ron said. Give me a minute.”

She and Gordon sat in silence as they waited for Ron’s reply. Gordon wouldn’t meet her gaze. “It’s not your fault,” she said again. Still, he stared at the floor.

“Guys?” Barney said, “I’d really appreciate being brought into the loop here.”

“I can’t explain everything right now,” Alyx said, “but the short answer is that Gordon has reason to believe Judith’s alive, somehow, and that she’s still trapped in some kind of...I don’t know how to describe it. A time loop, or something.”

“Jesus,” Barney said. “You shittin’ me?” He looked at Gordon, who shook his head slowly. “Jesus.”

Ron’s voice came back over the radio. “Okay,” he said, “I’ve got something. There’s a place a few hundred kilometers almost due south of White Forest. It looks deserted, but there’s lakes everywhere. I don’t know if that helps.”

Alyx made a few notes. “It helps, Ron,” she said. “It helps a lot.” She looked at Gordon. “It would help more if we had a map here,” she said. Gordon nodded.

“Um, guys?” Barney said. He gestured toward the wall behind them. A world map was displayed there.

“Oh,” Alyx said. “I never noticed that. Okay, Ron, can you give us coordinates?”

“Hold on. Okay, I think I’ve got it.” Ron gave them the coordinates, and described a small, round lake, with two smaller lakes to the southwest. “There’s not much there,” he said, “Just a lot of water, but there's a black pin smack dab in the center of those three lakes I told you about.”

Alyx perused the map for a moment, then said, “I think I’ve got it. Guys? What do you think?” Gordon and Barney looked at the place she was indicating, and nodded in agreement.

“Looks as likely as anything,” Barney said.

“Thanks, Ron,” Alyx said.

“You bet. Wish we could be more help, Alyx,” he said. “Over and out.”

Alyx looked at Gordon. “Ready for another trip?” she said. His eyes were wide open, but glassy. “Hey,” she said. “I need you with me.” He looked at her, and his expression nearly broke her heart. His bright green eyes were filled with pain and guilt. “You couldn’t know,” she said. His gaze narrowed. “No,” she said. “He tortures us. If he had meant for you to remember, you would have. This is on him, _not_ you." He frowned and looked away, then returned his gaze to hers. He gave her his familiar smile and nod. She nodded back. “With me?” she said, and he smiled, a little more honestly this time.

“I say we go now,” she said. “Jalopy’s still loaded up.”

“Listen up,” Barney said, his voice more commanding than usual. “This time, you keep in touch. You kind of failed me on your last trip out.”

Alyx apologized. “There really wasn’t time, or need,” she explained.

“Maybe not on your side,” Barney said. “I was worried sick.” Alyx almost said something defensive, then thought the better of it. “I’m sorry, Barney, she said. We’ll do better this time," she promised.

“Please do,” he said. “Let me do my job.”

“I promise we’ll keep in touch.”

He smiled sternly. “I’m counting on it,” he said. “Now, tell me about this man y’all keep talking about.”

==========

Alyx sat down next to the transmitter; Gordon continued to grip the table. “It’s difficult to explain,” she said. “I don’t understand it myself. There’s a man, but he’s not really a man. I don’t know what he is.” She looked to Gordon. He gave her a small nod, his jaw set. “He...” she sighed. “He controls us, somehow. He interferes in our lives. He saved Gordon when the Citadel blew, but he would have left me to die. And he tried to interfere when the Vortigaunts saved me, after the hunter attack.” She shivered a little at the memory. “Then he saves us both at the glacier. I think he knew my father was going to die. I thought he had caused it to happen, but now I’m not sure.”

“Jesus, Al,” Barney said. “Why’d you keep this a secret from me all this time? Both of you?”

“It’s complicated,” was all Alyx could say.

“Doesn’t sound so complicated,” Barney said, obviously hurt. “You could have told me.”

“He doesn’t seem real,” Alyx said, desperate to reassure her friend. “I hardly even think of him most of the time. That’s the best explanation I can give you.”

Eyes still distant, Gordon nodded.

“That go for you too, Gordon?” Barney said, and he nodded again. “So, there’s some weird man, who’s not really a man, and he controls your destiny, but you don’t really pay him much attention. Have I got that right?”

“I know it sounds crazy, Barney, but please trust us.”

“I do,” Barney said, “and I wish you’d do the same for me.”

Alyx felt her heart beginning to break. “Barney, please understand...”

"Hey, kiddo, it’s okay. I know some things are too hard to talk about. Really, it’s okay. But don’t keep secrets from me. I’ve got your back. Now, let's get you two on the road.”

==========

They refueled the vehicle and took an additional supply to ensure they could make the distance. They were headed into uncharted territory. “You ready for this?” Alyx said. Gordon nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.” She was driving this time. She took them due south, as the coordinates had suggested. “Please let Barney know we’re on course,” she said, and Gordon obliged. He picked up the radio and sent a navigational transmission. “Good enough,” Alyx said.

It was about 300 kilometers to the lakes. They had enough fuel on board to get to their destination, but not nearly enough to return. If luck was with them, they might find some patch of civilization along the way. If it wasn’t - which seemed likely - they’d have to figure something else out. That was a matter for the future.

For a while, they were able to travel along a broken highway. They passed a few remnants of civilization, none inhabited. Before long, they had to leave the paved road. They settled into a comfortable silence as the miles passed by. Now and then, one or the other of them would transmit a signal to White Forest, and occasionally, Barney would voice his thanks. Alyx hated how she’d come to take him for granted, and promised herself that for his sake, and hers, she'd be more mindful of his feelings. He’d long been one of her closest friends and she'd been neglecting him, more lately than ever.

The sun dipped down, and they decided to pull off the road and rest for the night. They pitched their tent, zipped their sleeping bags together, and again found themselves watching the sky as billions of stars appeared. “I’ll never get tired of this,” Alyx said. “Is it true the sky looked dark when you - back then?”

Putting his arm around her, Gordon nodded.

“I can’t imagine. It must have felt so lonely,” she said.

When the night’s chill took over the air, they moved into their tent, stripped off their clothes, and snuggled in together. Gordon let his hand roam over Alyx's body, and she sighed with pleasure. She adored his touch, and leaned into it. She found herself surprisingly awake, given the distance of their journey, and she reached out to touch him. She let her hand travel from his collarbone, down his chest, and to his hip, where she rested, waiting to gauge his response. He sighed, took her hand, and guided it further. She found him ready for her touch, and she was happy to please him. She stroked him gently and firmly, her breathing growing deeper as he responded with quiet moans of pleasure. Soon, she wanted nothing more than to be one with him, and she sat up, gazing down into his eyes. “Please?” she said softly, and he nodded, his eyes heavy-lidded and brilliant. She climbed astride him and spread her legs around his hips, and slid onto him, guiding him inside with her hand. He gasped as their bodies made contact, and she eased into a steady, urgent rhythm against him.

Her hands were pressed against his chest and he grasped her arms. “Alyx,” he sighed, and once again the sound of his voice shot chills through her body. “I’m here,” she sighed. “I’m right here.” They rocked together, sighing softly, until Alyx felt her pleasure reaching a peak. “Come with me,” she begged, and he nodded. Her body took over and she shuddered and cried out, and he joined her, quiet but far from silent. She collapsed against him and wrapped her arms around him. They drifted to sleep still wrapped together, breathing in time. 

==========

The next morning they rose, dressed quickly, and ate their rations together in the chilly morning air. Alyx felt strangely happy for the lack of conversation; just being together was enough. The look in Gordon’s eyes when he cast his glance toward her left her breathless, and she felt almost foolish for how susceptible she was to his gaze. Still, she smiled, and took his hand in hers. “We should hit the road,” she said. He nodded, and they packed up their camp and set off once again. They signaled Barney that they were safe, and on their way.

For a time they traveled through forested hills, then the forest gave way to lowlands, and eventually to lake-dotted bogs. Alyx had to navigate carefully, avoiding the more soggy patches and sticking to the shorelines. An earthy fragrance permeated the air. Winter hadn’t quite yet come to this place, and the mournful song of shorebirds rang out from near the water.

At last they arrived at what they believed to be their destination. Alyx drove the circumference of the larger of the lakes, and parked at the apex of the three. “What are we even looking for?” she said. Gordon shook his head. “No idea?” she said. “Same here.”

They sat in relative silence, the birds trumpeting and calling around them. They were in the middle of nowhere, with no idea what they were watching for, or when. It could be days before they even had an indication of whether they were in the right place.

Something began to stir in the ground nearby, and they both stood and readied their weapons. A familiar screech filled the air, drowning out the sounds of the birds. Gordon shot twice, and the headcrab fell dead with a violent scream.

The stood back to back, circling slowly, as more of the creatures appeared, emerging one after another from the marshy ground. “What are they doing here?” Alyx said. “There’s no people around. Maybe a crashed shell?”

One by one, they eliminated the beasts, until at last it seemed there were no more. “I hope that’s it,” she said. She wiped a bit of blood from her forehead where one headcrab had come too close for comfort. Gordon looked at her with concern, but she waved him away. “I’m fine,” she said. “Just a scrape.”

They continued to keep watch until they were certain they were again alone. Finally, Alyx holstered her weapon and gave a sigh of relief. “I think we’re good,” she said. “So what now? Do we make camp? There’s no telling how long we’ll have to wait. Oh, no, Gordon, we didn’t pack enough rations. Maybe it’s a good thing we found these...things,” she said, motioning at the obliterated headcrab littering the ground around them. Gordon groaned. “I know,” she said, “but it’s better than starving.”

They began to search for wood. There was no shortage of fallen logs and branches, but it was all heavy with dampness. They began building a stack of wood anyway; if the sun ever appeared, it might dry out a bit. The ground around them was thick with dead grasses that would surely ignite, assuming they’d remembered to bring something with which to start a fire.

Once they’d gathered fuel, they stood staring at the would-be fire, wondering what to do next. It was still early in the day, and their rations would last a while. On the other hand, the headcrab wasn’t going to stay fresh for long, especially not in the damp surroundings. “Let’s light it up,” Alyx said. Gordon retrieved a fire starter and matches from their gear, and to their relief, the grass began burning quickly, and the wood began to crackle as the flames teased their way under the rotting bark. “We’ll have to keep feeding it,” Alyx said, and for the next hour they gathered sheaves of dry grass and fed the flames. At last, the fire was burning vigorously, and they gathered more wood and set it nearby to dry. Alyx fashioned a spit from a small branch, and threaded a headcrab onto it before lowering the beast into the fire. They one of the sleeping bags on the ground near the fire and sat in silence.

Alyx stared into the flame. She began to wonder if she should have left White Forest. Wasn’t her first duty to the refugees and crew? What was she doing, running off on an ill-planned mission? They could be stuck out here for days, and they had no way to get back. She felt tears pushing their way forward, and turned away from Gordon, hoping he wouldn’t notice. A moment later, he was standing by her side, his hand rubbing her shoulder. She looked up at him and smiled. “Sorry,” she said. “Just a feeling a little guilty for leaving everyone behind.” He squeezed her neck gently and smiled back, his eyes warm. He pulled her to her feet and held her. It crossed her mind that they had a fine way to pass the time, alone in the wilderness. She quickly pushed the thought aside, laughing a little at herself. Gordon cocked his head and gave her a questioning look. “Nothing,” she said, and kissed him quickly. He must have discerned her thoughts, and his face flushed a little. Or maybe he’d been thinking the same thing.

Something around them changed. There was a strange haze in the air, like the waves of heat fluttering above the fire, but spread across the horizon. A dull, roaring sound began to rumble up around them. They exchanged a glance, drew their weapons, and again took on a combat stance. “What _is_ that?” Alyx said.

The sound stopped, and the haze became a curtain. The colors of the landscape seemed to invert, the golds and reds becoming a sickly purple and green. A doorway opened, and the man walked through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know about y'all, but we're on a "Shelter in Place" order here until April 16. It's weird. As an introvert, I'm not hating it. This is not particularly relevant to this chapter, (yeah right look at that title) but history is happening, so I figured I might as well mention it for posterity. I'm pretty sure the current situation is affecting my writing, thought I probably won't be sure exactly how until this is all over.
> 
> I hope you all are well, and safe, and sane. Thanks for reading!


	11. Outside Interference

The man straightened his tie and took a few steps toward them. Gordon glanced at Alyx and she looked back, and nodded. So, she was here, with him, sharing this moment. He returned his gaze toward the man.

“This is a unique...opportunity,” he said. “It’s rather pleasant to have us all here together, don’t you think?” He glanced over his shoulder, and the Borealis appeared in the darkness. Judith stood on the deck, gripping the guardrail. “There are choices to be made, and sacrifices, once again,” he said. Gordon wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but the man seemed to be speaking with more urgency than usual. He seemed almost - anxious?

He tried to reach out to Alyx, but as always seemed to happen when this devil appeared, he was all but frozen. Alyx seemed pinned in place as well. Only Judith was able to move, peering into the darkness, calling out for help.

“My employers are running out of...patience. I am being forced to take things into my own hands. It’s unfortunate that you were unwilling to com...promise when you had the chance, Mr. Freeman. Now I will be forced to make certain choices for you.” He turned and approached the Borealis, and extended his hand to Judith. Her face twisted in confusion, she reached into the dark and accepted the offered hand. Gordon tried to cry out in warning, but nothing came out. Judith stepped off the ship, and vanished.

The man turned back to Gordon and Alyx. “You’ll find Ms. Mossman where you sought her,” he said. “What happens next is up to you.” He turned and exited through the same unearthly doorway he’d appeared through, and the light returned to normal, if a little brighter than it had been. The sun had come out, and Judith was lying at the shore of the lake, face down, gasping for air.

Gordon and Alyx rushed to her side and pulled her from the water. Once they were sure she was wasn’t drowning, they helped her sit up. She looked at each of them in turn, still coughing, but evidently okay. “What happened?” she said sharply. “We must fulfill the mission. What happened to the ship?”

Gordon and Alyx looked at one another. “Judith,” Alyx said, “take it easy. What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Alyx,” Judith said. “I remember you trying to kill me.” Alyx winced, and stood and walked away. She put her face in her hands.

Gordon stood and helped Judith to her feet. He kept one hand on her back to steady her as she found her balance, and she gave him a grateful look. “Thank you,” she said softly. “Gordon, where are we? This clearly is not a glacier. Where’s the Borealis? What happened to the warhead? If this mission fails -"

“It didn’t fail,” Alyx said. “We blew up the ship. The Combine’s been disabled.”

“Nonsense,” Judith said. “I was on that ship. There was no explosion.”

“Judith,” Alyx said, “how long has it been since you last saw us?”

“What kind of question is that? An hour, maybe two - Dr. Freeman, Gordon, what is going on?”

“Weeks, Judith,” Alyx said. “It’s been weeks. We thought you were dead."

Judith’s mouth fell open as she looked from Alyx to Gordon, who nodded slowly in confirmation of what Alyx was saying. “Dear god,” she said. She wobbled on her feet, and Gordon steadied her again. She grasped at his elbow; she looked as if she were about to pass out. Gordon was all too familiar with the shock of losing time, and he sympathized with Judith, at least for the moment. Alyx stood nearby, staring at the two of them, her expression impossible for him to read.

She seemed to stand a little taller, and she approached them. “Judith, we’re going to take you back to White Forest to debrief,” she said. “I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have after that.”

Judith raised her eyebrows, but said nothing more. Alyx called in to White Forest, and in a short time, Barney’s voice came over the radio. “Mission accomplished," she said.

"You got her? No kidding? That’s incredible! Now, how do we get you three home?”

“We can make it about half-way with the fuel we have onboard. It’ll be tight quarters.”

“If you can stand each other’s company, you should head back now. Weather’s fixing to take a turn for the worse. I’ll find another car to meet you on the way. Y’all hang tight; we’ll have you home in no time.”

==========

Gordon watched as Alyx wandered back to the fire and pulled the headcrab off the spit. “Damnit,” she said, “it’s way overdone. I guess it doesn’t really matter, now.” Gordon looked disdainfully at the charred corpse. It was more than overdone; it was thoroughly burned. The fire was dying down and only coals remained. From the position of the sun, it appeared to be late afternoon. Wherever the man had taken them, they’d been away for several hours. “I guess we’d better get going,” she said.

The sky was already becoming gray again, with heavy clouds that seemed to signal snow. Gordon sniffed the air. Along with the peaty smell of the bogs, there was a familiar scent of winter that took him back to Boston. Remembering the occasional blizzards there, he felt the urgency of their journey back.

The car was most definitely a two-seater, and the three of them stood staring at it, pondering the logistics of fitting all of them inside. It became apparent that the best solution was for Gordon to drive, while the two women wedged together in the passenger seat. He knew it would be uncomfortable for them, and not just physically. He wondered if they’d all survive the journey, weather or no weather.

He pushed the vehicle as fast as he dared. After what felt like two of the longer hours of his life, they began to receive a transmission from the vehicle Barney had sent. Soon, they were able to locate one another, and Judith practically leapt from the car the moment they stopped. “Oh, thank goodness,” she said. Alyx also got out, groaning as she stretched. The driver smiled and waved a hello, then set about refueling the jalopy. “Looks like you all were close to empty,” he said. “Good thing we found you when we did.”

Gordon agreed. It was becoming quite dark, and the air had gone from chilly to downright cold. A breeze stirred the trees above their heads, making it feel colder still.

“I don’t want to get back in that car,” Alyx said. “I almost wish we could just stay here, tonight.”

Gordon nodded in understanding, then watched with a smile as she hopped back into the vehicle. “On the other hand, I’m glad I’m not going to be gone too long. I feel like I have work to do,” she said. He leaned across the car and kissed her on the temple. She glanced at him. “I don’t ever want to be that close to that woman again,” she confessed, and Gordon laughed. He threw the car into gear, and they sped off toward White Forest.

==========

By the time they returned home, the snow had begun to fall in earnest. Huge flakes fell, as big as potato chips. Potato chips, Gordon thought longingly. Then he realized that with Alyx’s gardening initiative, they might actually be able to indulge in such a luxury, in a few months, at least.

Barney rushed over to greet them. He hugged Gordon first, then Alyx, then he stood and stared at Judith. “Dr. Mossman,” he said softly. “It’s so good to see you.”

“Thanks, Barney,” she said. “This all feels awfully strange.”

Barney nodded. “I reckon it does,” he said. “Let’s get you set up with a place to rest. Dinner’s over but I saved y’all some food. Let’s meet in the mess hall in an hour, and bring Judith up to speed.”

They agreed, and Gordon and Alyx made their way to their quarters as Barney escorted Judith. They paused at the door to their room and Gordon nodded a good-bye to Judith as Alyx went inside.

“Oh. You two share quarters now? That’s interesting,” Judith said.

“I’ll fill you in on all the gory details,” Barney said, and Gordon shook his head and sighed. “Judith’ll be three doors down,” Barney said, “just so you know.” Gordon rolled his eyes, and followed Alyx inside.

Alyx was sitting on the bed, her head in her hands. “I’m a horrible person,” she said, without looking up. “I’m glad she’s not dead, but I wish she wasn’t here.”

Gordon sat down and put his arm around her. He didn’t share her animosity for Judith, but he could certainly understand it. He squeezed her shoulder gently, and was tempted to pull her into a kiss, but he’d learned that it was best to leave her be when she needed time in her own head. They sat together in silence for a time, then Alyx stood up, stretched, and yawned. “I’ll be okay,” she said. “Nothing dinner and a good night’s sleep won’t help with. But first, I want a shower.”

A shower sounded good. They didn’t have a private bath, so any lewd thoughts Gordon might have had were quickly laid to rest. They gathered fresh clothing and towels from their wardrobe, and walked together down the hall. “I’m not sharing a shower with you, this time,” she said with a smile. “We’ll just have to deal with low pressure.” She winked and ducked into a stall, tossing a glance over her shoulder as she closed the curtain behind her.

The water ran fast and warm. Gordon cleaned off quickly, wanting to leave plenty of hot water for Alyx. He’d had plenty of showers in his life; this was still an unprecedented luxury for her. As he toweled off, he listened contentedly to her sighs. He was dressed in clean clothes and ready to head back to their room by the time she finally shut off the water. “Still here?” she called, then peeked out from behind the curtain. She smiled at the sight of him, and he smiled back, aching with love for her beauty and strength. She ducked back behind the curtain and emerged a moment later, wearing loose cotton pants and an oversized sweater. “I don’t think I’m going anywhere else tonight. Figured I might as well be comfortable,” she said. She looked incredible, like anyone he might have known two decades ago, dressed simply for a dinner with friends.

“Gordon, you’re staring,” she observed. He smiled and nodded, and walked closer to her. He put his hands on her shoulders, kissed her gently, and took her by the hand. “Let’s drop off our stuff and go straight to the mess hall,” she said. “I want to get this meeting over with.” They gathered their things and headed on their way. He tried to think of some way to make the meeting less painful, but he doubted there was much he could do. Trying to bring Judith up to speed on their current situation would be anything but easy. She was still freshly mourning Eli’s death, while the rest of White Forest would have to grow accustomed to not mourning hers.

“Oh my god, Gordon, we should tell Dr. Kleiner. Do you think Barney let him know?” Gordon wrinkled his brow. Barney was good at following protocol, but nobody really knew what protocol was, anymore. He realized Alyx might be trying to make an excuse to delay the meeting, and he smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t do that,” she said, but her tone was light. “Okay, we’ll eat first, then fill in Izzy once we have a better idea of what’s going on.”

The mess hall was sparsely populated. Grace and her crew were winnowing wheat at their usual table, and they smiled as Alyx and Gordon entered. They found Judith and Barney sitting alone. Judith’s eyes were red, and Barney was leaning across the table to talk to her. The two looked up at them, and Judith tried to compose herself as they approached. “Alyx,” she said. “You look lovely. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you out of that old jacket you always wear,” she said.

Gordon sat next to Judith, and Alyx took a place across from him, next to Barney. She cleared her throat. “The first thing you should know, in case nobody’s told you, is that I’ve taken my father’s place as the leader of this...place,” Alyx said. “We’ve - I’ve - assembled a variety of teams to tend to agriculture, building, and what have you.” She took a deep breath through her teeth and let it out slowly. “A few days ago, Advisors attacked Dr. Kleiner’s lab. Gordon and Dr. Kleiner were both injured. Dr. Kleiner’s still recovering.”

“My god,” Judith said. “Is he going to be all right?”

Barney nodded. “Saw him just a few hours ago. He’s on the mend. Couple more days and he might get to go back to his own quarters.”

“That’s a relief. That’s in incredible relief.” Judith looked distant for a moment, and Gordon imagined she must be reliving the loss of Eli. “What else do I need to know?” she said.

Alyx laid out their ideas about the manhacks, and described the progress, or lack thereof, they’d made so far. “Obviously,” she said, “you could be invaluable in helping us figure out our next steps. But we don’t expect you to dive into work right away.”

“And why not?” Judith said. “You all keep trying to handle me with kid gloves. As far as I’m concerned, I just stepped on and off that ship. I’m fine, despite some people’s attempts.”

Gordon watched Alyx closely, gauging her reaction. She stood and leaned over the table, looking Judith squarely in the eye. “I did what I believed was necessary," she said, “and that’s what I’ll continue to do. If you have a problem with that, you’re free to bring it up with me in private.”

“I’ll do no such thing. You tried to kill me,” Judith said.

“You were endangering my father’s work. I tried to stop you. And I would do it again,” Alyx said.

Gordon glanced at Barney, who gave him a warning look. After a moment, Judith said, “I understand. And I was doing what I believed was right.”

Without breaking eye contact, Alyx nodded, and sat down slowly. “We can’t know who was right,” she said. “There was outside interference. We can only be grateful that things turned out the way they did.”

Judith nodded. “Agreed,” she said.

Gordon looked at Barney, and they shared a silent sigh of relief.

===========

Barney tried to keep the conversation light for the rest of dinner, but the tension among them remained. As soon as she’d finished her soup, Alyx excused herself to go visit with Dr. Kleiner, and Gordon rose to accompany her. “I’m fine, if you want to stay here,” she said, but Gordon wanted to see his mentor as well. Alyx stifled a yawn as she stood up, and together they left the mess hall.

Dr. Kleiner was again buried in his reading, and it took him a moment to realize they’d arrived. When he finally looked up and saw them, he smiled broadly. “Alyx! Gordon! Barney told me you two had headed off on yet another mission. I’m happy to see you both back, and looking well.”

“And I’m glad to see you improving,” Alyx said. She sat down next to his bed. “Uncle Izzy, I have some startling news. It’s good news, but it’s unexpected.”

He put down his papers, his expression serious. “Go on, young lady.”

“It’s Judith. She’s alive, and she’s here at White Forest.”

“Great Scott!” Kleiner said. “How is that possible? I thought she had perished with the Borealis.”

“So did we,” Alyx said. “I can’t explain what’s happened, but she’s back, and she’s fine. But, she lost time. As far as she’s concerned, the battle at Larsbreen just happened.”

“Most puzzling,” Kleiner said. “Well, that’s a problem I will contemplate tomorrow. Thank you for sharing the good news.”

They said their good-byes and headed back to their quarters. They walked side by side in silence until they got to their room. “I’m so, so tired,” Alyx confessed at they reached the door. Gordon raised his eyebrows and nodded in agreement. “Oh, good,” she said. “Because I wouldn’t want you to think this whole thing with Judith...you know.” He smiled as he opened the door for them. Alyx stripped down to her underwear and fell into bed. “I’m going to sleep right now,” she said. “Feel free to wake me up, if you want to.”

Dammit, if she didn’t know exactly how to press his buttons. He undressed, and slid into bed beside her. She was breathing slowly, and deeply, and he pressed his body against hers. She was warm, and soft, and perfect. Soon, he was sleeping soundly.


	12. Mixed Signals

By morning, White Forest was living up to its name. Several inches of snow had fallen and the valley was silent, even peaceful - a far cry from the battleground it had been just a few weeks prior.

The storm had effectively put an end to their work outside, so the crews tasked with building and gardening had settled inside to plan for the spring. Once winter came to this part of the world, it had a tendency to stay.

Grace and Tom ensured Alyx that their foraging would only be slightly hindered by the weather. “Tom’s a natural at this,” Grace said. “I think he’s part squirrel.”

The fishing party had had some success while Alyx was away. They’d found a variety of small fish in the nearby, remaining waters, none of which had tried to kill them. “If we could get our hands on proper gear, there’s a slim chance we could locate crab,” one of the fishermen reported. A slim chance sounded better than none. They could use every ounce of protein they could find.

By late morning, Alyx had met with every team, spent half an hour chatting with Dr. Kleiner, and shoveled a load of laundry into the single washing machine on the premises, which had miraculously become available. She could no longer put off meeting with Judith. Though the likelihood of another Advisor visit seemed slimmer with each day that passed, she wasn’t willing to take any chances. They had to devise a defense system, and quickly. She chided herself for wasting the morning.

But first, she had to actually find Judith. She couldn’t imagine she’d be in her quarters; she’d seemed anxious to get to work. On a whim, she checked Kleiner’s lab. Sure enough, Gordon and Judith were there, drawing up schematics of the equipment they’d brought back from the warehouse.

“Alyx,” Judith said.

“Judith,” she replied. “I see Gordon’s got you up to speed on our plans.”

“Yes,” Judith said, “and I must admit, your plans are brilliant. It’s a pleasure to see you putting that sharp mind of yours to good use.”

Alyx stood, blinking. Was Judith being... _nice_? She couldn’t help suspecting the compliment was double-edged. She chose to let it go. “Thanks,” she said, and moved closer to look at the drawings. Gordon pulled her close and kissed her head, as Judith looked on in what seemed like amusement.

“Who would have thought,” she said. Alyx felt herself blush, and worked to regain her composure. Judith continued, “I suppose Eli saw this coming, but I always imagined that was just wishful thinking on his part. Honestly, you seem such an unlikely pair.”

So much for nice. Alyx knew when Judith was trying to get under her skin, and this was definitely one of those times. “Got any thoughts on how we control these things?” she said.

“Oh, yes, several,” Judith said. “You’re correct that the central control for this area resided in the Citadel, but the Combine are - were - too efficient not to decentralize. There are satellite control stations throughout the populated areas, and located more sparsely in the surrounding regions. Our challenge is to get all the stations on the same page - to convince them that their new programming is coming from central command.”

“And you have ideas on how to achieve this?”

“I do, but they’re only ideas at this point. I’ll be working closely with Gordon, and Dr. Kleiner, once he’s recovered.

“With Gordon?” Alyx said, cursing herself for taking the bait. “I’m sorry, Judith, but don’t you think I’m more qualified for this particular project?”

“Aren’t you busy leading the revolution?” Judith said.

Alyx sighed. “I know more about Combine technology than anyone at this base, except you,” she said, hoping the veiled compliment would soften Judith a little. “The teams are quickly becoming self-sustaining. All I really need to do is wander around and keep up morale.”

Judith laughed. “Well, I can certainly understand why you’d want to avoid that.”

“Judith,” she said, “whether you want to admit it or not, you need me on this project. And Kleiner needs Gordon to work with him on teleportation. As much as we might both dislike it, I think we’re going to have to work together.” _I promise I’ll try not to shoot you_ , she thought.

Judith stared at her for a moment. “Unfortunately, you’re probably correct,” she said. “Very well. Let’s get to work.”

==========

Gordon seemed hesitant to leave, and Alyx reassured him with a lingering kiss. “I’ll see you soon,” she said, then turned back to the table where he and Judith had been working. “All right,” she said. “Tell me more about these control stations.”

Judith reiterated what Alyx already, largely knew - Civil Protection had multiple stations, from which it controlled the Metrocops, city scanners, and the manhacks. They’d have to reprogram one station while making it appear the new orders were coming from the Citadel. “This will not be easy,” Judith said.

Alyx wasn’t convinced. She found it almost too easy to reprogram Combine tech. Their equipment was efficient, but stupid. It appeared ready to appease almost any master. “So our first step is to find a station,” Alyx said. “Any idea where to start?”

“The obvious answer is to get as close to City 17 as we can,” Judith said.

Alyx grimaced. “There’s a wide swath around the city that’s impassible,” she said. “Gordon and I just came from there. We found these things at a warehouse in the safe zone. But we didn’t see anything like a control point.”

Judith nodded. “I’m familiar with some of their broadcast frequencies. Take me to your radio station and I can try to pinpoint a control location.”

Alyx led Judith to the main station, where she began to monitor signals. In no time she said, “I’ve found one. Listen.”

Alyx heard only random chirps and whines at first, but soon a pattern emerged. “What am I hearing?” she said.

“It’s a carrier tone,” Judith said, “as you know. This one is most likely one of those manufactured Breencasts like you saw in City 36.” She tuned the dials and a similar, but distinctive signal appeared. “And that,” she said, “is Civil Protection. That signal would be received by Metrocops. If we could hear the broadcast...hold on.” Again, she fine-tuned the signal. “We could use Barney’s help,” she said.

“His CP uniform. I’ll try to find him,” Alyx said, grateful for the opportunity to leave.

It was lunch time, and if she knew Barney, she knew he’d been in the mess hall, near the front of the line. Sure enough, she found him welcoming a bowl of soup and something that looked like bread. “Barney,” she said, and he turned and smiled at her. “Hey, Al, how’re things going?”

“Don’t ask,” she said, shaking her head. “I need a favor. You still have your old CP uniform, right? I need to borrow it.”

Barney shuddered. “Well, of course I do, but why do you want that old thing?”

She explained what she and Judith were attempting. “Good enough reason to drag it out, I reckon,” he said. “Mind if I eat, first?”

“I don’t mind,” she said, though she knew she should be getting back to the project as soon as she could. “I’ll join you.”

They sat together in comfortable silence, then Barney said, “Spending time with Judith’s really eating at you, isn’t it?”

Alyx sighed. “She has every reason to hate me,” she said. “I did try to shoot her.”

“No kidding?” Barney said. “Well...I’m sure you had your reasons.”

“Thanks, Barney. I did.”

The silence became uncomfortable. “So,” Barney said, “where’s that boyfriend of yours?”

Alyx nearly choked on her soup as she fought back a laugh. “My what? Oh my god, that is what he is, isn’t it,” she said.

“Well, I don’t know what you call him,” Barney said, “and I don’t much want to. Sorry. Where’s Gordon?” His face was red with withheld laughter.

“To be honest, I don’t know. I figure he’s with Kleiner. I kind of kicked him off the project with Judith.”

“You are a glutton for punishment,” Barney said. Alyx had to agree.

They finished their lunch, and she walked with him to his quarters, He pulled the old uniform out of his closet and regarded it with disdain. “I don’t know why I didn’t get rid of it,” he said, “but I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t.”

Alyx kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks. If you won’t be wanting this back, I’d like to take it apart.”

“It’s all yours,” he said. “I’ll be happy if I never have to see it again.”

==========

She returned to the radio station with the uniform.

“Perfect,” Judith said. “Now let’s see what happens.” She tuned the radio back to the CP broadcast. Almost immediately, there came a crackling noise across the radio in the helmet of Barney’s old uniform. “...Civil Protection teams, report status.” There was no response. “Airwatch reports no miscounts this location. All units, stand by for block reports. Failure to comply may result in permanent, off-world reassignment.”

“Nicely done,” Alyx said. “Should we test the other equipment next?”

Judith actually smiled. “No need,” she said. “We can triangulate the source of the signal. It should be the same for the manhacks."

Alyx wilted a little. Of course, all they’d ever needed was Barney’s uniform. She taken herself and Gordon into harm’s way, for no good reason. “I need a quick breath of air,” she said, and rushed out of the station.

“Dammit, Alyx,” she said to herself. She stood on the concrete balcony overlooking the valley. It was bitterly cold, though the sun had come out, and the landscape seemed to sparkle. At any other time, the sight would have lifted her spirits, but for the moment, she was too overwhelmed to feel anything but anxiety, and anger at herself.

She longed to feel Gordon’s comforting hand on her shoulder. Or Barney’s. She needed someone to tell her she was okay.

_You’ve got you, sweetheart_ , her father’s voice came to her. _That’s all you’ll ever need._ She stood a little straighter. She’d made a mistake. No one had died, or even been hurt, and they had two critical pieces of equipment they could test if they needed to. The mission hadn’t been a waste of time. She took a deep breath of cold air, and turned to go back inside.

She met Gordon in the doorway. He must have seen her though a window. He looked at her with a concerned smile. “I’m fine,” she said. “It’s been a rough afternoon, but I'm okay.” He drew her into an embrace, and she leaned into him, happy for his touch. “I love you,” she said, and he kissed her head. “I have to go,” she said, “but I’ll see you at dinner.” He smiled and nodded, and squeezed her shoulder as she turned away. She stopped, and turned back to him. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for always being there.”

==========

She walked back into the station with newfound purpose. Judith wore a bemused look. “Are you alright?” she said. Alyx nodded. “Trouble in paradise?” Judith said. Alyx scowled and shook her head. “No, not at all,” she said, her voice holding more anger than she intended. She took a deep breath. “At any rate, your opinion of our relationship is irrelevant, Judith,” she said. “Please, let it be our business.”

“Of course," Judith said. “But if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

The offer put Alyx even more on edge. “Let’s find the source of that signal,” she said.

“Already done,” Judith said. “I have coordinates for five separate locations within 60 kilometers of here. The challenge is in the programming, something I’m sure you’ll be able to handle.”

“Yes,” Alyx said. “I will.” She wondered why Judith was trying to press the particular buttons she seemed to be trying to press. It was juvenile, and odd. If Judith wanted to be angry at Alyx for taking a shot at her, that would at least make sense. Trying to poke holes in her relationship with Gordon did not.

It almost seemed like something _he_ would do. Could Judith be working for _him_? It was a crazy idea that began to make more sense the more she pondered it. Which, she realized, was a good indication that she needed to spend a little time outside of her own thoughts.

Of course, it had once seemed crazy to think that Judith was working with Dr. Breen, and she still was unsure of the truth behind that situation.

“Judith,” she said, “what do you remember about the Borealis?” she said.

“I’ve told you. I stepped onto the ship, and you tried to kill me.”

“Before you disembarked,” Alyx said, keeping her mind and voice steady. “You said it was an hour, maybe two. What do you remember of that time?”

Judith frowned. “What are you getting at, Alyx?” she said.

“I’m trying to get at the truth. Do you remember anything?”

Judith sighed. “I remember that time passed. I was...traveling from place to place. Possibly from time to time. I know how that sounds. I saw the crew, and then they vanished. And then I was face down in the water.”

Alyx nodded. “And do you remember how you got there?”

“I’m not certain. I stepped off the ship - I must have lost my footing, and fallen. Of course, I didn’t expect to be in the middle of a bog.”

“Was anyone with you?” Alyx said pointedly.

“No,” Judith said. “Of course not. Alyx, what do you hope to gain by questioning me?”

“The truth, Judith,” she said. “Because what you’re telling me doesn’t make sense. There’s a man, a strange man, and he saved you from that ship, and I need to know why.”

“That’s absurd,” Judith said. “I was alone on that ship. For hours, I was alone, and I was alone when I stepped off. I can see that you’re distraught, but you must believe me.”

Alyx believed her - believed, at least, that she might be oblivious to the man’s influence on her. She wondered wither Judith was an unwitting accomplice, or another pawn. It occurred to her that they’d all been keeping secrets from one another, and from people who needed to know the truth. Maybe it was time for all of them to come clean, to compare notes, and to try and figure out just what this man was up to.

She ran a hand through her hair. “All right,” she said, “I want us to meet with Gordon and Barney, and Dr. Kleiner, and soon. There is something going on here that is bigger than all of us, and if anything we attempt is going to be successful, we have to understand what it is.”

Judith creased her brow, but said nothing. Alyx realized she probably sounded crazy. She didn’t care. It was time to put an end to that man’s control over them, or at least to shine a light on it. She didn’t like feeling controlled. “We’ll meet in the infirmary after dinner,” she said. “I’ll let Barney and Gordon know. We’ll see you there

==========

Later that evening, Barney, Gordon, Alyx, and Judith were gathered around Dr. Kleiner's bed. “You have one hour,” Dr. Margolis said, “and that is at my discretion.”

Alyx thanked her, and promised not to take too much time. “So,” she said. “I want us all to talk about this man we’ve all interacted with, although some of us don’t seem to remember, or maybe we don’t remember much.”

Kleiner narrowed his eyes. “My dear,” he said, “are you sure this is a road you’re prepared to travel?”

Alyx nodded. “I need to know the truth,” she said.

Kleiner sighed. “Then you should know that the fellow of whom you speak is responsible for your being alive today."

“What?” Alyx said.

“Yes. If it weren’t for that man, you would have perished at Black Mesa, as a child." He looked at her. “I’m so sorry, my dear. I had no idea he had visited you since. “

Alyx swallowed hard. “He made a deal for my life, didn’t he,” she said.

Kleiner’s shoulders sagged. “We all understood that your salvation would not be free of consequences. We weren’t to know what those consequences might be.”

“Then he _was_ responsible for my father’s death,” she said.

“I don’t know,” Kleiner sad. “I honestly don’t. You must believe me.”

Alyx sighed. “Gordon, he’s been controlling you, hasn’t he?” Gordon nodded. “For how long?” she said. He shook his head. Alyx said, “Years?” Gordon looked at her sadly, and nodded. “How many? Since Black Mesa?” He looked away. “God,” she said.

It didn’t make sense. The man had saved her as a child, but was ready to let her die in the explosion at The Citadel. He’d tried to interfere when the Vortigaunts wove her life back together in the Antlion caves. But it appeared he’d saved her yet again from the explosion on the Borealis. Did he want her dead, or alive? Did he care?

“Gordon,” she said, “Did he ever...would he have let you die? I’m trying to understand something.”

Gordon took a deep breath, and nodded.

“But only if you didn’t do his bidding. Am I right?” When he looked away, she assumed that was confirmation. It still didn’t make sense. The man’s decisions about their lives seemed capricious, as if he were operating on his own whims.

“My dear,” Kleiner said, “I recall what he said, when he chose to save you. He said that there were those who saw you as a mere child, unworthy of salvation. Of course, your father and I thought differently, and so, evidently, did this man. We were grateful for his interference. Only later did we think to question his motives.”

Alyx felt almost drunk. Her head was swimming, and she couldn’t think straight. “He didn’t want us bound together,” she said absentmindedly. “He needs us separate.” She looked at Gordon. “Doesn’t he?” she said.

Gordon shook his head slowly. It was clear that he didn’t understand the man's motivations any more than she did, and it seemed likely he feared them just as much, if not more.

The man hadn’t saved Gordon at Black Mesa; he’d taken him, after he’d proven himself. But Alyx, he’d taken as a child. She’d proven nothing, and he’d been ready to discard her as an adult. Until...until after her life was woven with Gordon’s.

Perhaps, she realized, it was her father that he’d needed, and she was merely bait. As much as it stung her, it made sense. And when she had stubbornly refused to bend to his will, he’d taken her father instead, and put her in his place. And now, somehow, with her life force and Gordon’s woven together, he couldn’t bend either of them to his will the way he desired. Maybe that was driving his anger against them. Somehow, the bond between them, woven by the Vortigaunts, rendered them outside of his control.

“It’s us,” she said, her gaze locked on his. “He can’t bend us. We’re bound, and he can’t break the bond, and it’s...”

She wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe he hated it. Maybe it was driving him mad. Maybe it simply intrigued him, another puzzle for him to sort out. But she felt with all of her being that the bond between them was somehow keeping them safe from his influence, at least on some level.

Gordon’s eyes locked on hers, and he nodded. Then he glanced at Judith. Sacrifices, Alyx understood. If he couldn’t have them, he’d take Judith next.

And Alyx knew that was a sacrifice she’d be willing to make.


	13. Loyalties

Back in their quarters, Alyx and Gordon sat side by side on their bed. “I’d sacrifice her. To save you, I’d do it, no question." He put a finger to her lips, and knelt down to take off her shoes. He massaged her feet, and she sighed, then pulled away. “I’m serious, Gordon,” she said, tucking her feet beneath her. “I feel like the worst person on the planet. Because I’m not even questioning it.”

He sat down beside her, and began to rub her shoulders. “What are you doing?” she said. “I don’t want this, not right now. I want you to listen.”

He sighed, and nodded, and looked into her eyes. They were filled with pain, and just a touch of fear. All he wanted was to take away that pain, and replace it with pleasure. He wanted to erase every bad feeling that was troubling her now. He knew it was not only impossible, but unfair.

She returned his gaze, then gave a little laugh. “Now I don’t know what to say,” she said, and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose us.”

He reached out and stroked her hair. This time, she didn’t protest. He returned to his place beside her, and she nestled her head against his shoulder and cried silently for a moment before looking back into his eyes. “I wasn’t sad when we thought she was gone,” she said. “I mean, I suppose I mourned her, in a way, but that was that. I wasn’t ready for her to come back, and if she has to go away again, I won’t regret it. There, that’s it. I’ve said it.”

He continued to hold her, stroking her hair as he thought. He wasn’t ready to let anyone go into that man’s clutches, for any reason. He couldn’t hold a grudge against Alyx for her feelings, but he couldn’t condone them, either. He sensed they were soon to come up against a confrontation with _him_ , and he had no idea how he might handle it. He chuckled to himself - it felt like ages since he’d been able to consider the consequences of his actions before taking them. He wanted to think he’d sacrifice himself before asking anyone else to make that choice, but his recent actions strongly suggested otherwise. He pulled Alyx a little closer.

“If you still want to do that thing to my feet, you can,” she said, still nestled against him.

==========

An hour or so later, they lay in each other’s arms, flushed and breathing heavily. “I don’t think I ever told you,” she said, “but I was never with anyone before you, not really.” He pulled her a little closer still, and kissed the top of her head. She’d grown up with the suppression field in place, so he wasn’t particularly surprised, although he had to admit that anything she lacked in experience, she made up for in innovation. He wasn’t exactly a master of the craft himself, he didn’t think. He’d had a few relationships, none of them particularly long term, and plenty of drunken hook-ups in his undergrad days. None of that seemed to matter when he was with her. Their compatibility in the bedroom surpassed what they shared on the battlefield, and that was perfectly intense in itself. They seemed to anticipate one another in ways he’d never dared to imagine. They loved each other heart and soul, and their bodies responded in kind, in ways that sometimes threatened to overwhelm him.

He must have sighed more deeply than he’d intended, because Alyx propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at him. “What is it?” she said, concern in her amber eyes. “Are you okay? I mean, I know that’s a stupid question, but, are you?”

He smiled, nodded, and leaned in to kiss her. She kissed him back, intensely. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I know I pushed you away earlier. Can I make it up to you now?” He folded his arms around her back and pulled her onto his chest, never letting his lips part from hers. She straddled him and pressed herself against him, her thighs apart, the space between them warm and inviting. She sighed softly into his ear. “I don’t ever want to let you go,” she whispered. “Not if the entire world depends on it.” She bit into his earlobe, not so hard that it hurt, but enough to get his attention. He gasped, and looked into her eyes. She was staring at him with an intensity he’d only seen in combat. “Don’t even think about leaving me.”

She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him closer. He gasped at the feeling of her, still hot and sticky from before. “This world has taken everything I’ve ever had. I won’t let it take you.” She pressed her breasts against his chest. She parted her lips and let her tongue dart into his mouth. Gasping, he shared her exploration. Suddenly, her hand was on him, stroking and teasing him like she never had before. He sucked in his breath and let himself indulge in her touch. She was far from expert; it didn’t matter. Every stroke of her fingers left him shivering with desire. “Alyx,” he moaned softly.

“I love it when you say my name,” she breathed, “Gordon.” Her voice was deep and husky, and he shuddered at the sound of it. Her breath was hot against his neck as he struggled to maintain some semblance of control. He wasn’t finished with her, yet. He grasped her wrist to stop her, and deftly turned her onto her back. She laughed with delight as he hovered over her, smiling wickedly. He teased her nipples with his tongue until she yelped, then traced a line between her ribs to her belly. Her abdominal muscles were so firm and defined, he could have lingered there forever, but the way she was arching her back against him drew him further. He pressed his lips between her legs, still wet from before. “Is it okay?” she said. He looked up at her, lips and tongue still working, and nodded. Their eyes locked for a moment, then her lids dropped as her head fell back. “Oh, god,” she moaned.

He remembered something a particularly feisty undergrad had taught him, something he hadn’t tried since that long-ago dalliance. He pressed his thumb against her, then slipped it inside, searching for the spot that - what was her name? It didn’t matter - had shown him. He tried to gauge her reaction as he went. At first, she rocked against him, moaning and sighing, then something changed. Her breath caught in her throat, and she gave a long, deep moan. “Jesus, Gordon,” she said. “What are you doing to me?” He pressed harder, letting his fingers play against her. Her body went almost rigid as her back arched, and she cried out with such deep pleasure that he felt it in his core. He kept touching her until she pleaded for him to stop, shuddering against him, soaking wet. “Oh, my god,” she cried. “Gordon, oh my god.” She lay back, staring at the ceiling, gasping for breath.

He stared into her eyes until finally they focused on his. She laughed a little. “What did you just do to me?” He smiled and kissed her forehead. “Give me your face,” she said, and pressed her mouth against his. The taste of her was still on his lips, and it was deeply arousing to know they were sharing it. “Do you want to be inside me?” she said, almost pleading. He’d never wanted anything more.

He gripped her thighs and pressed her legs apart, and she moaned again before he’d even slipped inside. The moment he entered her, she cried out so loudly they both had to laugh, before their passion took over and all they could do was move together, groaning and crying out and basically not caring what anyone might hear. He put a hand behind her back to steady himself and thrust into her, grunting with each movement, his eyes locked on hers. Sometimes she kept them open, and he thought that alone would drive him over the edge. Then, she would close them, and they’d find themselves in a new, gentle rhythm that could have lasted forever.

Finally, she opened her eyes and gazed up at him. He couldn’t hold on any longer, and he came inside her with a long, low moan, which she returned with a lingering coo of her own. When his body had stopped shuddering, he found she was still responding, yelping and sighing, until she gave a quiet little laugh and tossed her head back. “Fuck,” she said softly. “That was incredible.” She nuzzled his neck. “It’s better every time,” she said. “Does it keep getting better every time? Because I’m not sure how much better I can stand.”

He kissed her, gently this time, and folded her into his arms. They shared a sigh and nestled together, not even bothering to clean up after themselves.

==========

The morning sun awoke them. “I have to shower,” Alyx said with a subdued giggle. “Want to join me?”

He knew she was side-stepping the issues of the day, and he was happy to join in the dance. He nodded, and gave he a lewd looking over. “Oh, settle down,” she said. “I just need help scrubbing my back.”

They gathered their towels and clean clothes, and scurried down the hall toward the communal bathroom. Their path happened to take them directly past Judith’s quarters. It would have been a perfect trick of fate for her to catch them scampering past, but this time, they were fortunate, and found themselves alone and unbothered.

They shared a stall, and relished the ritual of covering each other in soap, washing away the evidence of the previous night’s pleasure while at the same time reigniting the flames. He was prepared to take her there in the shower, when her expression became serious. “I love you,” she said, "and I need you with me for this day.” Holding her like a precious artifact, he nodded.

They dried off and dressed, and made their way to the mess hall for breakfast. Alyx had begun keeping them all to a schedule, and for that he was grateful. It was a small thing, but useful.

They had scrambled eggs that morning. “Seems somebody, and I’m not saying it was me, found a supply of powdered eggs,” Barney said. “Not that I would have been desperate enough to search.”

Judith was nowhere to be seen, though it would make sense that she’d want to sleep in. No doubt the reality of the past few weeks had begun to wear on her.

“So,” Barney said. “About yesterday.” At Gordon and Alyx’s shared glance, he rolled his eyes. “Oh, for crying out loud, you two. I’m not talking about last night. Although from what I hear, you may owe your neighbors a cup of coffee." He cleared his throat. Gordon found himself blushing - he’d never learned to differentiate when Barney was teasing, and when he was dead serious. Sometimes there wasn’t much gap between the two.

“Mister Freeman,” Gordon said, “your face is telling me more than I need to know. May I continue?”

Alyx laughed at Barney’s teasing, and Gordon hung his head in mock shame. “Thank you, Miss Vance,” Barney said. So. About our conversations.”

Gordon and Alyx became serious as Barney continued. “I’ve assembled two teams to explore the communications outposts Dr. Mossman located. One will do reconnaissance; the other will attempt to bring back technology. We have high hopes both teams will return unharmed. Based on what Alyx was able to learn yesterday, CP is operating purely on stand-by mode.”

“That’s good news, Barney,” Alyx said, and Gordon nodded.

“About the other part of our conversation. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what it all means. I think I saw that guy, once, at Black Mesa, but the truth is he never bothered me.”

“I’m glad, Barney,” Alyx said.

“I’m not,” Barney said, his face uncharacteristically stern. “I don’t like knowing that someone is messing with my people. And I’m not at all happy that not one of you felt the need to tell me about him.” As they moved to protest, he gestured them away. “It’s beside the point, now,” he said. “Done is done, and it sounds like this guy has y’all pretty wrapped up. So I’m gonna see what I can do about that.”

“Be careful, Barney,” Alyx said.

“Always am,” he said. “Wouldn’t have made it this far, otherwise.”

She nodded. “Have you seen Judith today?”

Barney shook his head. “Nope. Saw her to her quarters after you two headed out. Don’t expect to see her before lunch. She was exhausted.”

Gordon and Alyx glanced at each other. “We should check on her," Alyx said.

==========

Judith’s quarters were empty. Gordon shared a look with Alyx that told him all he needed to know - she shared his feeling that something was wrong. They checked Kleiner’s lab - empty. They went next to the radio station, which was being monitored by a couple of the crew, but was otherwise empty. “Have you guys seen Dr. Mossman?” Alyx said.

“Haven’t seen anyone else this morning,” one of the two said. Alyx smiled and nodded as they stepped out of the room.

“Where could she be?” Alyx said. Gordon shook his head. The only reasonable place they hadn’t checked was Magnusson’s workspace, but Gordon was in no hurry to go there. Still, it seemed their best bet, so they made their way.

Hesitantly, Gordon knocked at the door to Magnussen’s office. “Confound it! Who is it now?” came a voice from within. Gordon opened the door and peeked inside. “Oh, Dr. Freeman,” he said. “What is it? I’m extraordinarily busy. Ah, I see you’ve brought Alyx with you. Well, two interruptions are always better than one.”

“Sorry, Dr. Magnusson,” Alyx said. “We were just wondering if you’d seen Dr. Mossman today.”

“What is this, a psychological evaluation? Of course I haven’t seen Dr. Mossman. What an absurd question.”

Gordon realized no one had bothered to inform Magnusson that the rumors of Judith’s demise had been premature. He looked at Alyx and raised his brow. “Dr. Magnusson,” Alyx said, approaching him, “I guess you haven’t heard. Judith’s alive, and she’s here at the base.”

“Is this your idea of a whimsical prank? Because I find no humor in it. Uriah, please escort these cretins from my lab,” he said, addressing his Vortigaunt assistant.

“The Alyx Vance speaks the truth,” Uriah said. “The Mossman lives.”

Magnusson looked from Uriah to Gordon and Alyx, and back again.

“Why was I not informed?” he said, peevishly. “I must speak with her immediately!”

“We’re trying to find her,” Alyx said. “It seems nobody’s seen her today.”

“Well, find her, and send her immediately to my lab. We have much to discuss!” he said, and promptly turned his back to them.

They backed out of the lab and into the hallway. “That went well,” Alyx said. “Let’s head back to the mess hall. She has to eat eventually.”

==========

Gordon stopped in his tracks as they entered the mess hall. Judith was there, sitting some distance from the door, chatting casually with _him_. He stood, staring, hoping it was just an illusion that would vanish. It didn’t happen. Alyx put her hand on Gordon’s arm. “You see him too?” she said. He nodded.

The man looked up at them, smiled his thin smile, and stood. Alyx and Gordon began walking quickly in his direction. As the two rushed closer, he straightened his tie, and walked away. By the time they reached Judith, he was simply _gone._ They looked at one another, then at Judith.

“Oh, hello you two,” she said. “Barney told me you were looking for me. I confess, I needed a good night’s sleep after yesterday. I hope my absence hasn’t delayed the project by too much.”

They continued to stare at her.

“What on earth is it, Gordon?” she said.

“Judith, you were just talking to that man,” Alyx said.

Judith shook her head. “I’ve been alone since I arrived,” she said. “I’ve hardly spoken with anyone today. What man do you mean? The one you two are so obsessed with?”

Was she oblivious, or lying through her teeth? Gordon tended to believe it was the former, though he couldn’t be sure. He did realize that badgering her would achieve nothing. He squeezed Alyx’s hand, hoping she’d get the message.

"Okay,” Alyx said. “Dr. Magnusson would like to see you immediately. You should know that he just found out you’re still alive.”

Looking a bit startled, Judith said, “Of course. I’ll touch base with him right away. She rose from the table and wandered away, as if in a fog.

“She really doesn’t remember, does she?” Alyx said. “She’s putting this project at risk.”

She was right. Regardless of whether Judith was aware of the man’s influence on her, she couldn’t be entirely trusted. Gordon had full confidence in Alyx’s abilities when it came to Combine technology; his only concern was whether she had the time to complete the project on her own. Each day that passed was a fresh opportunity for the Advisors to breach the perimeter and attack them once again.

“Let’s see if Barney’s teams have anything,” Alyx said. “I really could use your help today, even if this isn’t your area. Moral support would be nice.”

Dr. Kleiner certainly wasn’t ready for his help, and he was happy to stay at Alyx’s side for as long as she needed him. He liked the idea of a new challenge, something outside of his area of expertise. Mostly, he liked the idea of working with her outside of battle. He liked the idea of working with her, period. Her presence soothed him in a way he’d never known before. Was that what love was? He knew he loved her, there was no doubt about that. He just wasn’t entirely sure how it was manifesting itself. _Don’t overanalyze it_ , he told himself, but that was his nature, after all.

“Gordon,” she said, giving him a stern look. “Are you with me?” He smiled, and nodded. “Okay,” she said. “I wasn’t sure, for a minute. Let’s meet with Barney’s people in the lab.”

==========

A short time later, Gordon was watching and learning as Alyx went over the information Barney’s teams had brought back. “This is absurdly simple,” she said. “The Combine send a carrier tone along with the signal to the devices. That tone determines whether the signal activates a screen or carries a signal to the Metrocops, the scanners, or the manhacks. All we have to do is duplicate the tone, and send the correct signal.”

She was particularly animated, and Gordon enjoyed watching as she figured things out. In battle, she was fierce and determined. Now, putting her mind to a problem, she looked happy. “I’ll have to spend some time determining exactly how to communicate the instructions we want the equipment to follow, but it shouldn’t take more than a day. Combine programming is fairly basic. We may have to retrieve more equipment, so that the devices are close enough to respond quickly, but now that we know how to find the things, that’s not a problem. Gordon, you’re staring,” she added.

He glanced away, then looked back at her, and smiled.

Barney coughed into his sleeve. “Alright, Alyx,” he said. “Can any of my team help you with the reprogramming?”

“I think I’ve got this, Barney, but thanks anyway.”

“Then, if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to borrow your young man for a short time.”

Alyx chuckled and nodded. “He’s all yours,” she said.

Barney and Gordon left the station and began to make their way down the hall, when Barney stopped short. He put a hand on Gordon’s shoulder. “I saw Judith talking to that man y’all were talking about,” he said. “And I might have overheard part of their conversation. Gordon, I hate to say this, but I think she’s working with him.”


	14. Revelations

Gordon checked Barney’s face for any hint he might be joking, and found nothing. He nodded slowly in understanding, then looked away as he considered the implications. He felt surprised, but not shocked. Judith had done an amazing job of playing the double-agent with Breen - if that was what she had done - and this didn’t appear to be any different.

He considered the options. They could confront her, which was hardly likely to be successful, given her ability to conceal the truth. They could continue as if all were normal. They could try to work out on their own what she might be up to. None of the options stood out as being particularly better or worse than any other.

“Gordon,” Barney said, “do we have to tell Alyx about this? ‘Cause it seems like she has a pretty short fuse, where Judith’s concerned, and I’d hate for anything to happen. You know what I’m saying?”

Gordon nodded slowly. He did know. He trusted Alyx to be more rational, now that the worst of their battles appeared to be behind them. But he knew her anger toward Judith ran deep, and if she believed she were betraying them - if it even appeared that way - he wasn’t sure how she’d react. Still, he was loathe to keep anything from her, especially not something as important as this.

“If you can’t keep this from her, I get it,” Barney said. “But make sure I know what you intend to do. I need to be prepared for whatever might happen.”

Gordon thought back to how unhappy Barney had been about being left out of the loop as far as the man was concerned, and thought it odd that he’d be asking to do the same to Alyx, now. He understood Barney’s concern, but not his sudden about-face when it came to keeping secrets. He cocked his head and looked squarely at his old friend, his eyebrows raised.

“I know, I know, I’m asking you to do what I just asked y’all not to do to me. It’s not fair, and I take it back. Of course, you have to tell her. Just...be careful how you do it, okay?”

Gordon nodded again.

“If you need me with you, just say the word. Or, you know, don’t,” Barney said. “Just let me know.”

==========

Gordon returned to the radio station, but Alyx had left. A couple of crew members remained. “Dr. Freeman,” one said. “Miss Vance asked us to tell you she was going to Dr. Kleiner’s lab.”

He nodded a thanks, and made his way to the lab. He was surprised to find Alyx working side by side with Judith. They were entrenched in their task, evidently trying to determine how best to reprogram the Combine devices. He was pleased to find them working well together, and shuddered a little knowing what he would have to eventually share. He couldn’t imagine Alyx would be any more shocked than he had been, but he also couldn’t imagine she’d take the news with grace.

He cleared his throat to announce his presence, and both women looked up. Alyx smiled, and Judith said, “Gordon, it’s always a pleasure to see you. We’re making quick progress. Alyx is a genius when it comes to Combine technology.”

If it wasn’t his imagination, Alyx seemed a bit peeved by the compliment. He joined them and began to look over their notes. Most of it was meaningless to him, but he could sense the logic in their work.

“We’re more than halfway there,” Alyx said. “If all goes well, we’ll be able to run a test in a couple of hours.” She looked up at him. “I think we’re actually going to be able to protect ourselves from those things. And using their own technology. It’s kind of awesome, don’t you think?”

He smiled broadly, and nodded. For a moment, he watched Judith. She gave no indication that she was doing anything but working diligently on the problem at hand. “Any questions?” she said. He shook his head and went back to Alyx’s side.

“I’m good,” she said. “Go see Doc Kleiner. I’ll be done by dinner time.”

They shared a quick kiss, and he left to visit the infirmary.

==========

“Gordon,” Isaac said as he entered, “I’m so grateful to see you. There are things we simply must discuss.”

Gordon sat down at Isaac’s bedside. “Dr. Margolis has been kind enough to suggest she’ll release me tomorrow,” Kleiner said.

Gordon smiled and put a hand on his old friend’s shoulder. “I’m not convinced I’m ready,” he admitted, “but I’ll certainly be happy to get out of this place. Regardless, I shall choose to rest for a few days before returning to my duties. Now, to the issue at hand. It regards our mutual friend, that strange man of whom we spoke before.”

Gordon scooted the stool closer to Kleiner’s bed. “I’m sure it must have come as something of a shock to learn of that man’s involvement in Alyx’s life. To both of you. For that, I apologize.” Gordon nodded, and Kleiner sighed. “I’m afraid Dr. Mossman knows more that she’s been willing to admit,” he said. “As you may know, Eli’s relationship with Dr. Mossman was...fairly intimate. There was little he didn’t share with her. Gordon furrowed his brow. It wasn’t unheard of for him to miss out on subtle social signals, but he hadn’t realized that Eli and Judith had been anything more than colleagues. Suddenly, Alyx’s animosity made more sense.

“Oh dear,” Kleiner said. “It seems I’m simply full of unexpected revelations today. Well, take it for what it’s worth, son. At any rate, you can be assured that Judith Mossman is fully aware of that man’s interferences. That she has chosen not to reveal this fact troubles me deeply. I suggest we keep a close eye on her.

There it was, Judith had been in lockstep with Dr. Kleiner when it came to using the Borealis to destroy the Combine, and even _he_ seemed suspicious of her. As for what it all meant in the big picture, Gordon had few ideas, but he understood now that any trust he had in Judith had to be guarded. He rose, and squeezed Dr. Kleiner’s hands before departing. He wasn’t sure where to go or what to do next - a feeling he hadn’t had in as long as he could remember.

Going back to the lab would take him face to face with Judith, which he definitely wasn’t up for. For that matter, he wasn’t particularly ready to face Alyx, knowing what he now knew. He couldn’t keep it from her, but he had no idea how he might tell her - or even what he would tell her. Two of their closest friends had confirmed that she seemed to be working with the man who was not so subtly controlling their lives, and that she’d actively hidden her role.

He’d faced monsters, Marines hell-bent on killing him, and countless untold horrors, yet he felt helpless to share a painful truth with the woman he loved. _Get a grip, Freeman_ , he told himself. He made his way back to Kleiner’s lab.

Alyx was alone, working out a final piece of programming. When she looked up at him, her face was awash with exhaustion. He held out his hands to take hers, and pulled her to him. They embraced for a moment, then parted. “Gordon,” she said. “I know you want to trust Judith, but we can’t. She’s working with _him_.”

==========

Gordon looked at Alyx with a mix of amazement and confusion. “This isn’t about whether I like her or not,” she continued. “She was actively trying to sabotage our work today, all while acting like she wanted to be my best friend. And she asked a lot of questions, strange questions. Really personal questions. About us,” she added, though it was hardly necessary. “She wanted to know everything about...about what happened in the antlion caves. It was really, really uncomfortable.” She sighed. “But that wasn’t what clued me in. Look here.”

She pulled up a screen filled with code that was unintelligible to Gordon. “Look here,” she said. “See that? That would have done nothing other than pinpoint our location. And this, this would have sent the manhacks after whoever sent a signal. It’s not carelessness, it’s deliberate sabotage.” Hands on her hips, she looked at Gordon. “Do you believe me?” she said.

He nodded slowly. “Good,” she said. “Thank you.” He put his hand on her shoulder, and guided her toward the door. He needed Dr. Kleiner and Barney to share their observations, and for them all to decide what to do, together.

==========

Gordon was unsurprised to find Barney seated at Kleiner’s bedside. Both men looked toward them with vaguely guilty expressions, which quickly softened into understanding. “So, she knows?” Barney said. Gordon nodded.

“What’s going on?” Alyx said, her brow creased. “Am I out of the loop? I don’t like this.”

“Nope,” Barney said, “the loop just closed. And now that you’re here, maybe we can figure this thing out.”

Alyx continued to stand, looking perturbed, but also curious. After a moment, she sat down on a stool near the bed that had until recently be Gordon’s. “All right,” she said. “Tell me what you know.”

Barney and Isaac reiterated what they’d told Gordon, adding a few more details here and there as they directly pertained to Alyx. By the time they’d finished, her face was in her hands. “I knew it,” she said. “I’ve always had a feeling about her.”

“Miss Vance,” Kleiner said. “whether you can believe this or not, I am still not convinced Dr. Mossman is acting against our interests. While she does have a strong tendency toward...ulterior motives, in the long term, she has always held the success of the human race as her highest goal. I have no reason to believe that is not the case now.

Alyx rubbed her face. “I wish I could believe that, Uncle Izzy,” she said. “Okay. So, we leave her alone, and hope for the best? I’m not sure I’m okay with that.”

“That’s not what I’m suggesting,” Kleiner said.

Alyx looked more tired than Gordon had ever seen her. “Then what are you suggesting?” she said.

“Confrontation,” Kleiner said simply. “Of Dr. Mossman, and of this strange man. We must know his intentions.”

Alyx laughed bitterly. “So, after all this time, we just, what, knock on his door and ask him what’s going on? We don’t know when he might appear, or what he’ll do when he does. He could just whisk Gordon away again, or me, or any of us.” She was on the verge of tears. “Let’s wait until we’re ready. Let’s secure our perimeter. Then, if he wants to show up, we hit him with everything we’ve got.”

“My dear,” Isaac said gently, “we’ve no indication that any level or preparedness would be adequate to defend ourselves against this creature.”

“I know,” Alyx said. “And we have no indication it wouldn’t. I’m tired of letting him control us. The least we can do is try.”

Dr. Kleiner nodded slowly. “Very well, my dear,” he said. “You do have a great deal at stake in this matter.”

She let out a little yelp, so full of anguish and frustration that Gordon winced in sympathy. He understood all too well how she was feeling. “Everything, Uncle Izzy,” she said. “I have everything at stake.” She looked at Gordon, he eyes welling with tears. He looked at her with what he hoped was a reassuring expression. The fear in her eyes nearly broke his heart.

“Alrighty,” Barney said. “You’ll be needing more scanners and manhacks. We need to fire up a truck and get you your army. Care to help me with the first part?”

Alyx wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, and nodded. Barney rose from his seat and bent his arm, and with a small smile, she took hold of it and let him escort her from the room. From the doorway, she turned back to Gordon. “See you soon,” she said, and he nodded.

When they had gone, Gordon sat down. “I fear Miss Vance’s plan will not be effective,” Kleiner said. “Against the Advisors, yes - for that I have high hopes. But this strange, otherworldly bureaucrat - I am aware of nothing that could stop him.”

The Vortigaunts could stop him, Gordon knew, but how many of them would it take, and for how long could they hold him off? Would he and Alyx require a life-long contingent of Vort bodyguards if they were to even have any peace? The thought made him chuckle softly to himself. He found Kleiner watching him with a curious expression. “I suppose I must be content to wonder what you’ve found amusing,” he said, “although I confess, I could use some levity just now.”

Gordon reached out and squeezed Kleiner’s hand. A bemused expression appeared on the old scientist’s face. “I must say, that young woman has done wonders for your temperament,” he said. Gordon chuckled again, and nodded in agreement. “I’m happy for you both,” Kleiner said. “And I am hopeful we will discover some way to preserve the peace we’ve all begun to find here.”

It seemed a rather odd thing to say, considering he was still recovering from the Advisor attack, but Gordon believed he understood what he meant. Life had begun to take on a semblance of normalcy, even more so under Alyx’s leadership. What they were doing for the crew and for the refugees was important. What it could mean for the future was precious. They would have to find a way.

==========

Gordon wandered back to his quarters. A vague sense of dread had settled over him the moment he left the infirmary, and it was only intensifying the closer he got to home. _Home_. It still didn’t feel like the right word, especially not when Alyx wasn’t there. _She_ was home. It was corny and ridiculous, and he didn’t care. He’d always been vaguely annoyed by people in love, but he got it, now. He thought back on how often he’d rolled his eyes at Barney and Lauren - what had happened to her, he wondered, before hurriedly pushing the thought aside - and he suddenly understood why his old friend took such delight in teasing him now. He deserved it, every second of it.

As soon as he entered his room, his fear deepened further. The light was wrong. Judith was there, waiting for him. “Gordon,” she said. “Forgive me.”

How had she gotten in? Of course; they never locked the door, unless they were both there. Even then, they weren’t consistent - it was more a matter of consideration. They didn’t need just anybody walking in on them at a vulnerable moment. Did Judith know that? Why was she here? And where was _he_ \- he could sense him. He might be anywhere - under the bed, hiding in the closet. He’d begun to hyperventilate, he realized, and felt the familiar tightening in his chest. His palms were damp and his vision narrowed almost to a tunnel. As the first wave of panic threatened to overtake him, he stumbled past Judith and toward his bed.

“Gordon, what’s wrong?” Judith asked, rushing to his side. He held up his hand, urging her away. He put his hands on the mattress and fought to breathe steadily. “Gordon, is everything all right with Dr. Kleiner? I’m so sorry to have startled you, but I needed to see you alone. Please, tell me what’s wrong.”

His heart rate relented a bit as he realized Judith was by herself. What the hell did she think she was doing? He rose back to his full height, and looked at her intently. It wasn’t time to confront her, he knew, but suddenly every moment he’d given her the benefit of the doubt came rushing back to him, and he felt rage boiling up inside him.

She approached him slowly, and reached out as if to put her hands on his shoulders, then seemed to think the better of it. “Gordon,” she said, “we really need to talk. About Alyx. I have concerns about her work.”

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. She wasn’t going there, was she? He cocked his head and stared at Judith, his eyes daring her to say one more thing. Did she really believe she could break his trust in Alyx? Who did she think she was to even try? His breathing was slow and steady now. It was the only thing he could hear, as he waited for Judith’s next words.

“I think she may be trying to sabotage the project,” Judith said.

Gordon opened his mouth to say something, and the light in the room changed again. “This charade is...pointless,” came the voice he’d been dreading. “Mister Freeman is many things, but he is no fool. Well. A fool for love, perhaps, but not for this...subterfuge.”

He appeared in a corner of the room, and Judith glared at him. “You’re not supposed to be here,” she snarled. Gordon was taken aback by her boldness.

“Circumstances have changed,” the man said. “If you are unable to deliver what you have promised, they will continue to change, and not in your favor. My employers grow...impatient.”

“If you had given me the time I requested, I could have delivered precisely what you asked for. I can’t possibly do that now.” She looked back at Gordon. “I’m sorry,” she said. “It wasn’t supposed to go like this.”

Gordon was quite certain that much was the truth. He looked from Judith to the man, and back again. “Mr. Freeman,” the man said, “it would seem your time in my employment is close to an end. It is up to you and Ms. Mossman to determine whether you will be let go gracefully. I suggest you both proceed with caution. I shall miss our time together, but all good things...well, you know the cliché.”

With that, the room returned to its normal state, except for Judith, who was pale and flustered. “He...that wasn’t supposed to happen,” she said. “Gordon, please trust me - I am working on your behalf. You must believe me.”

He shook his head slowly. “Well,” she said. “I suppose I can’t blame you.”

He rubbed his forehead, suddenly realizing it had begun to ache. He dropped his hand and took a step toward her. She seemed to cower, a little, and he wondered how he must appear to her now - bruised, scarred, certainly stronger than he imagined himself. He felt mildly ashamed, and sat down on the bed. She relaxed slightly. “I shouldn’t have come here. That was too forward of me.”

That was her concern? He shook his head again and looked at her, hoping his face might even begin to express his feelings. To his surprise, she sat down beside him. “I’m not the monster you might be imagining,” she said.

He stood and walked to the door, and gestured for her to leave. “Of course,” she said, “but time will tell.” She exited with a quick glance back at him. “Trust me,” she said again.

He shut the door in her face.


	15. Turning Point

Alyx walked with Barney to the garage that held the base’s small, dilapidated fleet of trucks. “Were any of these running, the last time you checked?” she asked.

Barney narrowed his eyes and looked over the fleet. “Betsy over here has always been pretty reliable,” he said, approached a covered cargo truck.

Alyx laughed loudly. “Betsy?” she said. “Do they all have names?”

“Of course they do,” Barney said, feigning indignation. “That’s Susan, and over there’s Ralph - he’s kind of a jokester - and of course, there’s Barney, the most reliable of the fleet, but he’s too precious to use unless he’s absolutely needed.”

Alyx laughed again. “It’s good to hear that sound,” Barney said. “You were looking pretty down back there. Glad I could help put a smile on your face.”

He’d lifted her spirits, she had to admit. “I’m scared, Barney,” she said. “There’s so much at stake.”

He nodded. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that.” He got into the Betsy’s driver’s seat and tried to turn over the engine. Alyx joined him on the passenger’s side. After some grumbling, she started up. “That’s my girl,” he said. “She’ll need fuel. I can get a small crew together to gather the payload. No need for you two to go out again.”

Alyx rubbed at her face. “Thanks, Barn,” she said. “I would rather stay here, for now. I still have work to do. And with Dr. Kleiner being released tomorrow, I’m sure Gordon will want to get busy on the teleportation project as soon as he can.”

Barney looked at her warmly. “Hey, kiddo, you two don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders, you know. We’ve got you. Do what you do best and let us grunts handle the dirty work.”

Impulsively, she leaned over and kissed him on the nose. “You’re anything but a grunt,” she said. He sat back, laughing. “Nobody at this base is a grunt,” she said, serious this time. “We’re all important.”

Barney tilted his head and smiled. “That sounds like the daughter of Eli Vance,” he said.

==========

With Barney’s crew on their way to pick up the supply of equipment, Alyx returned to her quarters. She found the room dark, the blinds drawn closed, and Gordon sitting on their bed with his face in his hands. “Oh god, Gordon, what is it?” she asked, sitting down beside him. He pulled her to his side and looked at her with a glazed expression.

“Something happened here,” she said. He nodded. “Him,” she said. He nodded again.

Alyx sighed. “Are we safe?” she said. He looked at her grimly, and nodded.

“For the moment,” she said. “Okay. Barney’s crew is going to get more manhacks. I should finish the programming. I guess this is go time.” She looked at him sadly. He leaned in and kissed her, gently at first, then he grasped the back of her head and pulled her in hard. She seemed to resist for a moment, and he leaned back, letting her take the lead. She dove in, meeting his lips with the entirety of her passion. When they parted, she dropped her head. “Okay,” she said. “We’re really in it now, aren’t we?” He pulled her to his chest, and kissed the top of her head.

==========

She practically ran back to the lab, hoping she wouldn’t find Judith there. Surely she would have the sense to know she’d been discovered, and to make herself scarce. But she was bold, and seemed almost oblivious to the damage she was causing.

The lab was deserted, and it appeared no one had touched the programming since Alyx had last left. She began working to repair the damage Judith had done. It would be close to three days before Barney’s crew returned, and she knew she would have to find some way to keep the data safe until then. She could always load everything onto a portable drive and keep it close. That seemed the most reasonable course of action. Hurriedly, she finished her work. Time slowed to a crawl as she combed through the programming, carefully remedying the potentially deadly changes Judith's had made.

After what felt like a few hours had passed, she felt the work was ready. It was time to test it on the circuitry of the manhack they’d brought back from the warehouse. Even though the thing was completely dismantled, she felt anxious about running the test, especially on her own. It would still be another day before Dr. Kleiner returned to the lab. She could always ask Gordon to join her, but she wanted to let him rest. Assuming Barney hadn’t seen fit to head up his teams’ missions in person, she thought he might enjoy seeing what she’d done. It seemed she could find him more quickly on her own than she could track him down by radio, and she began to wander the halls.

She hadn’t gone twenty yards before she realized something was wrong. The hallway seemed to be repeating itself, like something from a nightmare. Her breath quickened, even as she chided herself to calm down. She had just passed the lab for the third time when the light flickered and changed, and that bastard appeared before her. “Does it feel, at times, as if history is...repeating itself? You see, I have lived...a very long time, and I have seen many things. So many feel they are on the right side of...history...when in fact they are merely pawns in a very long game.”

Alyx rested her forehead against her palm, and was suddenly surprised to find she could do so. She looked up, and locked eyes with the interloper. She could move, she realized. “Who are you?” she said. “What do you want?”

“Alyx Vance,” he said, as if he were just recognizing her. “How were you first described to me? A spitfire,” he said, drawing out the “s”. “You have certainly lived up to that...designation. But now, with so much to lose, you show profound vulnerability. I wonder how much fight is left in you.”

She felt a sudden, enormous pressure against her chest, like an electrical or magnetic force. She gasped for air, and found that she had no trouble breathing; still, the impact of whatever attack this was left her gasping.

“Ever mindful, aren’t you,” the man said. “Profoundly self-aware. But so taken in by the likes of Mister Freeman. I would have expected better. I had high hopes for you, Miss Vance. Hopes that have been, if not exactly shattered, then diminished.”

There was a loud noise, like a clap of thunder, and Alyx cowered and covered her ears. She found herself back at the top of the Citadel, as the reactor core exploded.

“He couldn’t save you then,” the man said. “Don’t imagine that your alien friends are without motiv...ations of their own.” She relived the moment that the Vortigaunts gathered around her, saving her from certain death, and delivered her and Gordon at the base of the crumbling Combine edifice.

She struggled to find her voice. She wasn’t paralyzed, not this time, and she yearned to tell him exactly what she thought of his interference in her life. Still, all she could manage was a halfhearted, “Screw you,” at which he laughed infuriatingly.

“My dear,” he said. “Your anger toward me is misplaced. I have too much respect for you to suggest in which direction it should be focused. I trust you gather my meaning.”

With that, he was gone, and Barney was there, helping to steady her on her feet. “Whoa there, little sister. You okay?” he said.

“Him,” was all she could say.

“All right. Let's get you to your quarters.”

He held on to her as they walked, until she found her strength again, just as they arrived at the door to her quarters. Barney knocked softly before opening the door. They found Gordon napping, but he stirred as they entered, and sat up quickly. “Hey there, Gordon,” Barney said. “I found this young lady wandering the halls. Seems she had an encounter with our friend.”

Gordon stood to embrace Alyx, but she held up her hand. “Not right now, please,” she said. “I’m sorry.” She sat down on the mattress and put her face in her hands for a moment. “I’m done with him,” she said. “Gordon, it was different this time. He seems...I don’t know. Desperate, maybe. Scared. It was strange. I could talk to him.” She didn’t bother sharing what she’d said; it wasn’t her most stellar moment.

Gordon pushed his glasses up on his nose, and she smiled a little despite herself at the unconscious gesture. She quickly became serious again and said, “Whatever comes next, I don’t think we’re getting through it without a fight.”

Gordon sat down beside her, clearly wanting to give her comfort, but respecting the space she needed. She produced the drive from the pocket of her jacket. “This is a backup of the programming for the manhacks,” she said, proffering the drive to Barney. “It didn’t seem wise to leave it unguarded.” With a smile, Barney took the small piece of equipment. “We just have to hold out for a couple more days,” he said. “Great work, kiddo.”

“I thought we might test it on the circuitry we brought back. It would be a lot safer than testing a live device.”

Barney and Gordon looked at each other and nodded. “I’ll head to the workshop and fetch the equipment,” Barney said. “Meet you two back in Kleiner’s lab.”

==========

Gordon and Alyx walked slowly to the lab, hand in hand, saying nothing. Somehow, Gordon’s silence seemed more profound than usual, and she couldn’t read his expression. Now and then he squeezed her hand, and glanced at her as if to make sure she was still there, and she squeezed back and smiled at him.

As they approached the lab, they met Judith coming from the other direction. “What are you doing here, Judith?” Alyx said, maintaining as much composure as she could manage.

“I could ask you the same question,” Judith said, notably avoiding eye contact with Gordon.

“We’re going to test the new programming on the manhack we brought back.”

“The programming isn’t ready,” Judith said. “I wouldn’t recommend a test at this point.”

“Oh, it’s ready. I’ve seen to it. And don’t worry, I repaired your ‘mistakes’.”

Judith stared at her for a moment, then glanced at Gordon. “I suppose it’s time we all stop pretending,” she said. “Let’s go in, and I’ll try to explain.” She opened the door to the lab and went inside. Alyx looked at Gordon, who simply shrugged and followed Judith. With an exasperated sigh, Alyx followed them.

Alyx and Gordon sat down on two of the lab’s uncomfortable stools, while Judith remained standing. She cleared he throat. “I’m on your side,” she said. Alyx cocked her head. “You see the man in the suit as an adversary, and that’s understandable, but misguided. Please remember that he’s saved both of your lives. And mine, as well.”

“Saved them for what?” Alyx said. “So we could do his bidding? That’s not living. That’s...”

“Slavery?” Judith said. “Or repayment?”

“You mean like a life debt? That’s fiction, Judith. If that happened in the real world, every resistance member would be a slave to every other.”

“Did it ever occur to you that his culture might be different from ours? That he might be doing exactly what he believes is right?”

Alyx and Gordon shared a glance, though she still couldn’t quite read him. They returned their attention to Judith. “Believe it or not, he cares about the fate of our world. And he knows much, much more than we do. I have learned to trust his judgement, even when it’s difficult to discern his meaning.”

Alyx rubbed her face. “Judith,” she said, “what does he want?”

“Loyalty,” Judith said. “Cooperation. Trust.”

Alyx shook her head. “I have no reason to give him any of those things. He stole twenty years of Gordon’s life.”

“Stole?” Judith scowled. “Gordon was spared the horror of the war and its aftermath. He was brought back precisely when he was needed, when he could do the most good. If not for that man, Gordon would have died at Black Mesa. And you would have, too. Why can’t you see that he’s on our side?”

Alyx stood up and approached Judith. “He would have let me die at the Citadel. He would have let Gordon die at Larsbreen. He doesn’t care about us.”

“It’s not about the two of you!” Judith practically shouted. “It’s about the human race. It’s about the future of this planet. Surely you can see that this is bigger than your little romance.” She slammed her palm against the nearby table. “Gordon, I would expect you, at least, to understand what’s at stake here.”

Gordon sighed and looked at Alyx. “Are you saying you agree with her?” Alyx said. Gordon gave a quick shake of his head, but Alyx wasn’t convinced. She stared at him for a moment before returning her attention to Judith. “We’re people,” she said. “We’re not disposable, and that’s how he treats us. Trust him all you want, Judith, but don’t ask us to join you. I am going to do everything in my power to protect the people here, and you are not going to stand in my way. And neither is he.”

“When did you become so short-sighted, Alyx?” Judith said. “This is one tiny corner of the world. White Forest is a dot on the map. I am talking about the fate of the human race. Sacrifices must be made.”

“How much more do we have to ask these people to sacrifice?” Alyx said, her face just inches from Judith now. “And what are you going to sacrifice, Judith? Are you ready to give up your life?”

“Yes,” Judith said. “I am.”

Alyx realized she practically been standing on her toes to meet Judith’s height, and she relaxed her stance at those words. “Oh,” she said. “Well, I’m not.” She looked at the floor. “And I’m not willing to sacrifice the citizens here. We’re building a defense system, whether you like it or not. We’re going to test that circuit, as soon as Barney gets here. Where is he?” she added, turning her attention back to Gordon.

“I understand your passion,” Judith said. “And I respect it, whether you believe that or not. But I believe my view of this is greater than yours. I’m sorry you’ve chosen to fight me. We could have been allies.”

“No, Judith, we really couldn’t,” Alyx said.

At that moment, Barney came through the door, and stopped short at the sight of the three of them. “Oh,” he said. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” he said.

“Not at all,” Judith said. “We were just clearing the air.”

“I see,” Barney said. He looked to Alyx, and she shook her head slowly.

“I'll go,” Judith said. “It’s clear we have nothing more to discuss. I won’t trouble you anymore, but I am sorry to say you’ll almost certainly regret this choice.” She brushed past Barney on her way out the door.

Barney looked from Alyx to Gordon, and back again. “Well,” he said. “Glad I didn’t walk in on an awkward moment.”

Alyx sighed and sat back down. Gordon reached out for her hand, and she let him take it, and sighed. “Well. She certainly believes she’s right.”

“You’ll have to fill me in,” Barney said, “but in the meantime, what do y’all think?”

Alyx stood up again and approached the console. “We test the program,” she said.

==========

The test went exactly as Alyx had hoped, with the circuitry responding as she’s predicted. “We’re ready for that army,” she said. “If we can hold out another day, I think we’ll be ready for just about anything.”

“Just about,” Barney said, and she couldn’t quite divine his meaning. It occurred to her that had become a pattern for the day, and she began to question her own perception.

“You guys,” she said, “am I completely in the wrong, here? I mean, Judith is so convinced she’s right, and I’m convinced I’m right, but I need a check. You’d tell me if you disagreed, right?”

Barney sighed. “I believe you’re both coming from a good place, but I’m with you. I think Judith started down the wrong path a while ago, and never stepped off.”

She nodded, and looked at Gordon. “And you? I mean, you would have stopped me if you thought I was wrong - wouldn’t you?”

He looked at her for a long time before giving her the slightest nod. If she hadn’t come to know him so well, she might have wondered at its sincerity, but she’d learned that the smallest gesture from Gordon tended to hold the most meaning. “Okay,” she said. “Thanks, you two. I guess we continue on, then.”

“Feels kinda like we oughta hold a seance or something,” Barney said. Alyx and Gordon both looked at him with raised eyebrows. “That’s a joke, y'all. Here’s a better idea. Come back to my place and let’s have a drink. I think we’ve earned it.”

==========

Alyx winced at the first sip of Barney’s infamous moonshine.

“That’s the stuff,” Barney said, tossing back a long drink. “Ouch.”

“Don’t get me drunk, Barn,” Alyx said. “I’ve got a long day ahead. “

“Nope,” he said, and let out a belch. “That’d be on you.”

Gordon sipped gingerly from his cup, and Alyx smiled at him. “Well,” she said, “I guess tomorrow is do or die.” She immediately regretted her choice of words. Gordon returned her smile, and raised his cup. Together, the three of them toasted, and Alyx took a bigger drink than she intended. She began to cough. “Damn, Barney, I’ll be really glad when we get that beer you’ve been promising.”

“About a month,” he said happily. “No small thanks to your work.”

They sat for a moment in a silence that was oddly comforting. “We’re gonna do this,” Barney said. “I don’t know about your friend, but I believe we can hold off the Advisors. And that’s something. We’ll deal with that guy next.”

Alyx felt less than confident, but she smiled at Barney and raised her cup again. “Cheers,” she said. She nestled her head against Gordon’s shoulder and laughed as Barney rolled his eyes.

“I love you guys,” Barney said. “I truly do. And I will move heaven and earth to make sure you get to continue being just as obnoxious as you are right now.”

Already feeling tipsy, Alyx smiled up at Gordon. “I believe you, Barney. And I love you, too.” Gordon leaned over and kissed her lips, and she smiled in the warm glow of the alcohol and her friends’ affection. “Ugh,” she said. “I’m getting drunk already. I should go, I can’t afford to be at less than one-hundred percent tomorrow.”

Barney sighed. “Fair enough,” he said. “Can you spare Gordon for a while longer?”

“Up to him,” she said. Gordon smiled and gestured, _five minutes_. She rolled her eyes. “We’ll see about that,” she said.

She rose and made her way to the door. Before she left, she took a long look at two of the men she loved most in the world.

“Good night,” she said. She hoped it wouldn’t be the last time.


	16. The Illusion of Choice

Gordon was happy to sit in the silent company of his friend, sipping moonshine and letting the events of the day fade into memory. Barney soon interrupted the quiet. “Gordon,” he said. “Are we sure Alyx is okay? She’s taken on an awful lot lately.”

Gordon set down his drink, thought for a moment, and nodded slowly, both in agreement with Barney’s statement, and in answer to his question.

“I just worry that maybe she’s focused a little too much on her rivalry with Dr. Mossman. Afraid it might be clouding her judgement.”

It was certainly possible, though to be fair, it was Judith who’d attempted to sabotage them, and not vice-versa. Still, Alyx’s deep-seated rage could be preventing her from seeing the big picture. Gordon chuckled as he realized he couldn’t even begin to see it himself.

“Something funny, Doc?”

Gordon smiled softly and took another drink. It was ridiculously strong, and he realized he’d better keep his promise of staying just a few more minutes. He stood to go.

“Didn’t say something to piss you off, did I?” Barney said. Gordon shook his head quickly, and pointed at his wrist. He embraced Barney briefly, and smiled again. “Got it,” Barney said. “Take good care of her, friend.”

==========

Alyx was asleep when he arrived back at their quarters. He undressed quickly and quietly, and slipped into bed beside her. She mumbled something in her sleep, and he caressed her hair for a moment before letting himself drift off. The next thing he knew, it was morning, and he realized he’s slept soundly and, it seemed, dreamlessly for the first time in days.

Alyx was already up and getting dressed. He watched her through the fog of his nearsightedness for a moment, admiring her grace and strength in even the simplest of movements. Finally, he sat up and put on his glasses. She looked as well-rested as he felt, he was pleased to see.

She met his gaze and smiled. “Good morning,” she said. “Did you behave yourself last night?”

He smiled and nodded. “Good,” she said. “I don’t think I could survive this day if I had to drag a hungover scientist with me.” She winked at him as she pulled on her jacket. “Now we’ll just have to see if Barney was as sensible as you.

They got their answer when they found Barney in the mess hall, nursing a cup of black coffee and rubbing his forehead. “Uh oh,” Alyx said. “Well, at least you’re up.”

“Duty calls, madam,” he said, looking at them with bleary eyes. He blinked a few times. “You’re both looking chipper this morning. I take it you had no uninvited visitors last night?”

“No, nothing,” Alyx said. “I don’t think I even dreamed.”

That seemed odd, Gordon thought, and he wondered if the little bit they’d had to drink had hit them both so hard. It was possible - they’d both been working overtime and eating less well than they should. Still, it struck him as remarkable, and a little concerning.

“Must be nice. I had that teleportation accident nightmare again.”

Alyx winced, clearly familiar with the dream he was talking about. “Sorry, Barn,” she said. “Any news from the crew?”

He nodded, and explained that the crew had retrieved a sizeable cache of manhacks and scanners, and expected to return by early evening. Alyx was visibly anxious to get to work, and more than a little excited.

“If this works - “

“If this works, and it will, you will anger the Advisors, and they will retaliate with a force you can’t begin to imagine.” It was Judith, and Gordon was startled that no one seemed to have noticed her arrival.

Alyx sighed. “Why haven’t I had you arrested?” she said. Barney stifled a laugh. “Judith, they’ve already attacked us twice. My father is dead, and Gordon and Dr. Kleiner could have been next. Do you honestly expect us to just wait for the next attack, without a plan to defend ourselves?”

Judith sat down. “Of course not. But you’re overreacting, and overreaching.”

Alyx looked stricken. “How can you even say that?” she said.

“There’s a simple solution. Stop the teleportation experiments. That’s what they want. It’s what _he_ wants. Gordon, I realize I’m asking you to give up your life’s work, and Dr. Kleiner will not be happy to hear this, either, but it’s what must happen.”

The three of them stared at her. “That’s it?” Barney said. “Seems pretty simple to me.”

Of course, it wasn’t simple. Teleportation provided the quickest route to rebuilding civilization. It was humanity’s natural, next step, and to stop their research now would be to give in to the Combine, once and for all. But if it would stop the attacks, and satisfy the terms of Gordon’s employment, it might almost be worth the sacrifice.

Almost.

Gordon stood and walked a few feet from the group, running a hand through his hair. A moment later Alyx was at his side. “Gordon, do you think it could be true?” she said. He looked at her and nodded. It made sense. Teleportation was the key to Earth’s future, and the method by which it had nearly been destroyed. Shutting down the experiments effectively cut the world off from the endless wonders of the universe, and also its dangers. Gordon sighed and felt his shoulders sag.

Alyx stood staring into the distance. “Would it really be so terrible?” she said, as much to herself as to him. “I don’t know.” She rubbed at her face. “Look, Dr. Kleiner’s being released today. We should meet with him and at least see what he thinks. I imagine he won’t love the idea, but...”

Her blank expression remained, and Gordon realized she had as much to lose as he did. Teleportation had been her father’s work, and hers. But, like her father, she was much more practical in her thinking than Gordon, who lived in the world of theories and possibilities more than in actual reality. The resonance cascade had always been a possibility, but he had never let that inconvenient truth interfere with his wide-eyed fascination for what could be, if only.

If only there weren’t real-world consequences.

He let himself think back to that day at Black Mesa. He’d known something was wrong. He’d known they were pushing the mass spectrometer past its limits. He’d known the sample he was tasked with inserting into the device was pure, too pure. Yes, if it hadn’t been him to insert the sample, it would have been some other drone. But he had understood the risks, and had chosen to take them. It could have been anyone, but it wasn’t. It was him. And now the earth was in ruin.

With a shuddering sigh, he looked down at the floor, then back at Alyx. “We’ll talk to Dr. Kleiner,” she said. He took her hands, and nodded.

==========

“Do not overstress my patient,” Dr. Margolis warned as she signed Dr. Kleiner’s release papers.

“I assure you, nothing will overstress me more than one more day in this estimable facility,” Kleiner said. “While I cannot overstate my appreciation for your ministrations, good doctor, the fine care you have taken of my brain will be for naught if I do not soon have the opportunity to give it exercise.”

Dr. Margolis gave him a long, hard look. “I promise I shall behave,” he said.

Alyx and Gordon chuckled as they helped Dr. Kleiner to his feet. He’d steadfastly refused the medic’s offer of a wheelchair, but he seemed to reconsider as his legs threatened to give way beneath him. Gordon glanced at the medic, who nodded in understanding. “Dash it all,” Kleiner said. “Well, I suppose it is preferable to falling and sustaining yet another injury. Dr. Freeman, would you do me the honor?”

Gordon wheeled Dr. Kleiner to his lab, with Alyx walking alongside them. Kleiner might have noticed their silence, had he not been busily regaling them with stories of his captivity in the infirmary, interspersed with ebullient praise for the staff.

At last they reached the door to the laboratory, and Kleiner raised his hand, motioning for Gordon to stop. “Let me get my bearings,” he said. Gordon realized it was his first return to the lab since the attack. He remembered how difficult it had been for him to return, and he waited patiently until Kleiner said, “Very well. Let’s get this over with.”

The lab was darkened and quiet, even peaceful. Alyx turned on the lights, and Kleiner took a deep breath. “All is well,” he said.

“I’m afraid it’s not,” Alyx said. “There’s something urgent we need to discuss with you, if you’re up for it.”

“I can hardly say no, now can I?”

Alyx shared the most recent developments with Judith and with the man, only gradually getting to Judith’s suggestion that they stop their experimentation.

Kleiner let out a long sigh. “I’ve suspected this was coming,” he said. “If only we had been successful in destroying the Combine home world, this wouldn’t even be under consideration. As things stand, though, I suppose it must be.”

Did he blame them, Gordon wondered, for the premature destruction of the Borealis? He had to shove the thought aside - it was moot. For all they knew, Judith had successfully reprogrammed the bootstrap device, and the mission had simply failed. No one fully understood what had become of the ship. Except, perhaps, the strange man, but he wouldn’t be providing an explanation any time soon.

“So you’re willing to consider it?” Alyx said.

“I’m afraid we must,” Kleiner replied. “Though it brings me no happiness to say so. I will say that I strongly disagree with Dr. Mossman’s admonishment to abandon your security proposal. Those fiends must be kept at bay.”

“It sounded like she was making an all or nothing proposal,” Alyx said.

“I shall speak with her,” Kleiner said. “I believe I have more of a rapport with Dr. Mossman than you do, my dear. Please, take no offense.”

“None taken. You’re right.” She looked at Gordon. “There’s nothing more I can do here until Barney’s crew returns this evening. I guess I should touch base with my teams. It’s been a while.”

“Gordon and I will remain here, and discuss these most recent developments,” Kleiner said.

Alyx nodded, kissed Kleiner on the head, and Gordon on the cheek. “Go easy on him,” she said. Both scientists nodded their assent, and Alyx chuckled as she left.

When she was gone, Gordon sat down so he was closer to Kleiner’s eye-level. He searched the old man’s face, and found resignation and disappointment there.

“Peace always requires compromise,” he said. “But I wonder if we would be sacrificing our future for only a slight reprieve.”

Gordon nodded in understanding. If he hadn’t inserted the sample, someone else would have. If he and Kleiner didn’t continue their research, someone, someday, would, and what then?

But what about now? It would take decades for anyone to duplicate the research Eli and Isaac had done. Gordon was possibly the only other person alive who understood the technology. The knowledge could die with him. Generations could live in peace before some other poor, ambitious fool took up the mantle.

“It’s a troubling proposition to consider,” Kleiner said. “But consider it we must. It may be time for us to set aside our own egos and think toward the future of humanity instead. Especially you, Dr. Freeman.”

Gordon felt his cheeks go red as he realized what Kleiner was suggesting. He’d taken Eli’s good-natured ribbing about grandchildren in stride, but suddenly there was the force of reality behind it. He and Alyx could have a family - well, perhaps, if their exposure to toxic chemicals and radiation hadn’t rendered that impossible. He wasn’t sure what he thought of either possibility. He found himself shifting in his seat.

"At any rate,” Kleiner continued, “we have more than ourselves to think about, whether we choose to proceed or not.”

Gordon couldn’t help feeling the choice was obvious. The thought of giving up his life’s work pained him deeply, but the alternative was unthinkable. If Judith was correct, and telling the truth, they had it in their power to save the world, simply by subjugating their own egos. On the other hand, doing so would keep humanity in relative darkness for decades. Was it better to be alive, and ignorant? It would take time to rebuild; perhaps they could wait. Perhaps it was time to relish the thrill of finding food in the woods, and brewing beer from wild grains. Perhaps it was time to slow down.

He stood and looked at Kleiner. “We’ll make the right decision,” Kleiner said. “I’m an old man, and I’ve lived a good life, all things considered. You’re young and have everything ahead of you. Your loss will be far greater than mine, regardless of your choice.”

Gordon nodded, smiled grimly, and left the lab.

==========

It seemed Kleiner was leaving the decision up to him. He wasn’t sure he was comfortable with that. It had been his action - or inaction, depending on how one looked at it - that had led to this whole nightmare. Was he in any position to decide anything? There was no assurance that giving up the teleportation experiments would free them. They would have to simply live day to day in the hope that was the case. He somehow doubted the Combine or the man would see fit to drop in and congratulate them on making the right choice.

He found himself wandering the halls with no real destination in mind. Before long he was at an exit, and realized getting outside might feel good. He punched in his code and left the building, aware that he should probably let someone know he was leaving, but feeling no great compulsion to do so.

The ground was still covered with snow, but it had fallen off most of the trees. The landscape was beautiful and clean. It was difficult to imagine the battle that had taken place just a short time before. He made his way toward the old sawmill, the first building to fall under his watch. It had been well cleaned up, and he could see the beginnings of the work that would bring it back to life. He stood staring at it, a frown etched into his face. They’d expected him to save them, expected him to save everything, and he’d failed. He dropped his chin to his chest, and wept quietly in the shadow of the ruined building.

He was startled by the appearance of Uriah at his side. “The Magnusson wishes to speak with the Free Man,” they said. “The Free Man is sorrowful. Can this one provide comfort?” Gordon turned to the strange creature, and bowed his head in respect. “The Free Man has much on his mind,” Uriah said. “Perhaps the Magnusson can provide direction." Gordon laughed mirthlessly, but he found himself grateful for the unusual company. He gestured toward the ruined mill, and shrugged. “All creation finds its end,” the Vortigaunt said. “The Vortessence binds us even when existence ceases. There is no finality.”

Gordon felt a bit out of existence himself, at that moment. He looked to his companion and smiled weakly. “The Free Man is the Opener of the Way,” Uriah said. “He shall not cease, nor shall the Alyx Vance. Heed this one’s words, and fear not.”

Somehow, the Vort’s words were the opposite of comforting. Gordon had no idea what they really meant, nor how they should guide his next steps. He looked at the ground for a moment, the snow trodden and brown where he’d walked. He wondered if it was possible to live on earth without doing damage.

“Do not mourn that which cannot be revived,” the Vort said. “Do not mourn that which could not be avoided. The Vortikind forgive the Free Man his trespasses. He must do the same for himself.”

A sensation of warmth washed over Gordon. _This is absolution_ , he realized. _This is salvation_. He could have dropped to his knees in gratitude. He looked at Uriah, and found kindness in their strange, singular eye. “Come,” the Vortigaunt said. “The Magnusson awaits impatiently.”

At that, Gordon laughed out loud. He allowed himself to take the Vort’s clawed hand, and to be led back to the base.

==========

“Gordon,” Magnusson said. “Do, come in. I’ve just had a most distressing conversation with Dr. Kleiner.” Kleiner sat nearby, and he raised his eyebrows at Gordon. “If I am to believe what I’m hearing,” Magnusson continued, there is serious consideration of ceasing your teleportation work. I don’t think I need to tell you how much this distresses me. Or perhaps I do. This distresses me greatly. Cessation of our teleportation experiments will set humankind back one hundred years, if not more.” Gordon couldn’t quite make the math work the way Magnusson had seemed to, but he nodded in apparent agreement.

“Dr. Magnusson, Arne, our failure to cease our experiments could mean the literal end of humankind. How many centuries would that set us back?” Kleiner said.

“Poppycock,” said Magnusson. “Hysteria, propagated by extremists.”

“Do you count Dr. Mossman among the extremists?” Kleiner said.

“Of course not. She’s one of the few rational minds remaining.”

Kleiner and Gordon shared a glance. “Dr. Mossman is the one suggesting the moratorium,” Kleiner said, appearing somewhat pleased with himself.

Magnusson appeared a bit stunned. He looked from Kleiner to Gordon, and back again. “Are you quite certain?” he said.

“Absolutely so,” Kleiner said.

“Then we should, unfortunately, consider it. This is troublesome.”

“Troublesome, indeed,” Kleiner said. “But certainly less so than the alternative.”

“Our total annihilation,” Magnusson grumbled. “I take your point. And what does our silent savior think? Or is he too bothered with matters of the flesh to be concerned about the fate of civilization?”

Gordon opened his mouth to protest, then closed it again. He exhaled through his nose, and gave Magnusson the subtlest of glares. “Well,” Magnusson said, “if you can be stirred to anger, I suppose you’re not a lost cause. Speak up, young man, what say you? Do we cease our experiments, and curse humankind to generations of ignorance?”

Gordon deepened his glare. He’d always tolerated Magnusson, but now the man’s insouciance was getting under his skin. He nodded slowly. “Yes,” he said softly.

Magnusson raised his eyebrows. “He speaks! This is indeed a day of reckoning. Well, Dr. Freeman, since you seem to feel so strongly about the matter, perhaps you’d like to explain your position. I wait with bated breath.”

Gordon looked away. “I share Dr. Freeman’s position,” Kleiner said. “The risks are simply too great. If we can save the future of humanity, it is incumbent upon us to do so, whatever the short-term costs. Only time will tell if our decision is the right one, but time is a luxury of which we must partake.”

Again, Magnusson looked at the two of them in turn. “And Dr. Mossman is in agreement,” he said.

The two scientists nodded.

Magnusson sighed and threw up his hands. “Fine!” he said. “What difference does it make if I give up a lifetime of effort? It’s not as if there’s a Nobel prize in my future. Good, very well, let’s scrap the whole project. I’m sure Miss Vance has a farm somewhere on which she could put me to work.”

“Dr. Magnusson,” Kleiner said, “I urge you to continue your work on the perimeter guard. Miss Vance is still hard at work reprogramming the devices. We haven’t given up all hope of survival.”

“Well, that’s something, I suppose,” Magnusson said. “Very well. Please have Miss Vance check in with me at her earliest opportunity. Now, if you’ll leave me, I can attempt to make some progress before I’m put out to pasture for good.”

==========

“That went well, I think,” Kleiner said, with a twinkle in his eye. Gordon laughed out loud as he pushed his friend’s wheelchair down the hall.

"Don’t worry, son,” Kleiner said. “We’re making the correct decisions. History will be our judge, and I believe she will be kind.”

Gordon didn’t much want to think about how history would judge him, but he felt Kleiner was right about one thing - they were making the right decision, for a change.


	17. Leap of Faith

Alyx found it difficult to focus on the task at hand. The thought of giving up a lifetime of work preoccupied her mind, though she fought to keep it at bay as she contacted the various team leaders. She found Grace in the kitchen, preparing mushrooms for drying. “Oh dear,” the woman said as Alyx approached her. “What’s on your mind? It’s clear that something is troubling you.”

Alyx smiled. “It’s nothing, really. Well, I mean, it’s something, but nothing I can talk about.”

Grace wiped her hands on her apron, and drew Alyx into a long, motherly hug. “If you change your mind, I’ll be right here,” she said before letting go.

Alyx swiped tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. “Thank you,” she said.

Grace slid a tray of chopped mushrooms into the oven, then sat and began work on the next batch. “I hope all is well with that young man of yours,” she said.

“Yes.” Alyx nodded, and smiled again.

“Well, that’s good. Having a partner in this life can make even the most difficult situation more bearable.”

Alyx sat down and watched as Grace worked. “How is Tom?” she said.

“Oh,” Grace said, and sighed. “He’s well. He’s tired. We both are. Frankly, I think everyone here is exhausted. We all ran on fear and adrenaline for so long, we’ve forgotten how to simply exist.” She smiled to herself as she continued to chop. “The long nights don’t help.”

Alyx agreed. Winter had just begun, and already she found herself longing for spring. It seemed an eternity away. She wondered if they would all live to see it. Just a few days earlier, she’d been planning hopefully for a greenhouse and garden, and now she could barely seem to see through to the end of each day.

“Grace,” Alyx said, “have you ever found yourself having to depend on someone you didn’t trust?”

Grace looked at her thoughtfully. “No,” she said. “I can’t say that I have. Trust is an act of faith. There have been many people in my life I might not have chosen to trust, given the chance, but this world we live in took away that choice. And so I have taken many leaps of faith, and I have rarely been let down.”

“Did you ever choose not to trust?” Alyx said.

Grace reached over and patted her hand. “Many times, dear, many times. But that is not always an option.”

Alyx nodded and stood to go. “Thank you,” she said.

“Any time. I mean that.”

==========

She found Barney roaming the mess hall, checking in with the crew and with the many refugees. “Reconnaissance team’s about four hours out,” he said. “I gotta tell you, Alyx, it’s outstanding what you’ve done here. These people are - well, maybe not happy, exactly, but they’re not losing their minds. That’s a pretty amazing accomplishment.” He squeezed her shoulder. “Well done.”

She felt her cheeks flush. “Thanks, Barney. I just wish I could shake this feeling that we’re racing against the clock.”

“Ah, yes. I know it well. Every day of my life.”

She shook her head. “I know what you mean, but it’s different now. I feel...I feel like we’re just a few steps behind where we should be. Like there’s a deadline we’re just about to miss. I don’t know how else to describe it.”

Barney nodded. “I hear ya. We’re doing our best. That’s all we can do.”

Alyx looked around the growing crowd. “Where’s Gordon?” she said. “Have you seen him?”

“Not since this morning,” Barney said. “I’m sure he and Kleiner had a lot to discuss. I wouldn’t worry if I were you.”

“Easier said than done,” Alyx said. “Want to grab lunch?”

“Thought you’d never ask,” Barney said.

They shuffled through the line, happy for whatever they were offered. The bread was beginning to look more like bread, and the variety of mushrooms had increased. Headcrab was still the main source of protein, but it was made far more tolerable by the seasonings Tom and his team had found.

“What’s this?” Barney said, his eyes widening. Alyx had a look. It appeared to be some kind of cake, topped with jam.

“I have no idea,” she said. “But give me some.”

Barney took a portion for each of them. As he searched for a place to them to sit, he said, “There we go. Gordon and Dr. Kleiner just arrived.”

Alyx cast her glance toward the doorway. Dr. Kleiner was on his feet, now, with Gordon standing nearby to help steady him. The two looked up and made eye contact with Alyx, and both smiled. She went to greet them.

“There’s cake,” she said. They both grinned.

“That is delightful news,” Dr. Kleiner said.

Gordon and Dr. Kleiner loaded up their trays, and the four ate quickly and in silence, staring at the cake as if it were a sleeping zombie. “Okay,” Alyx said. “I’ll go first.” She took a bite, grimaced slightly, then gave her best attempt at a smile. “That jam is tart,” she said. “But it’s good.” At that, they all dove in.

“Okay,” Barney said. “It’s not exactly what Aunt Gladys might have made, but it doesn’t suck.”

They continued to eat. “I’m sure we’ll get better next summer,” Alyx said. “They’re doing the best they can.”

“Cake aside,” Kleiner said, “how are you doing, Alyx?”

Alyx tried to smile, but her face fell. “Not so great, Uncle Izzy,” she confessed. “I’m confused about everything.”

“As we all are,” he said. “This is a great leap of faith.”

Grace’s words from earlier came back to her. “We have to trust,” she said.

“Sometimes the decision to trust is the most difficult choice to make,” Kleiner said. “And sometimes it’s the most important.”

Alyx stared at the floor. “Okay,” she said. “Then I’ll make that choice.”

“I know this is particularly difficult for you,” Kleiner said. “Know that you are not alone.”

Alyx continued to cast her gaze downward. Her heart was breaking, though she wasn’t sure why. It was as if she feared she would somehow lose herself. “What if we’re wrong?” she said.

“We may well be,” Kleiner said. “And what if we are? The truth is, we’re well past worrying about such things. We have survived this long by grit and determination, and that will carry us through.”

“Am I the only one who’s afraid we may be making one of the biggest mistakes of our lives?” she said.

“Not at all, my dear,” Kleiner said. “But you may be the only one of us who’s being forced to ask that question for the first time.”

Alyx stared at her friend for a moment, and said, “Black Mesa.”

Dr. Kleiner nodded slowly. “And many, many times after that. You’ve never been faced with a choice quite like this one. I assure you, it is never easy.”

Alyx sighed. Her father had gone out of his way to encourage her to always be ethical in her work. In the past, it had been them against the Combine, and the morality of the situation had always been clear. Now, though, the lives of any number of humans seemed to rest in their hands. For the first time in her life, it seemed the consequences of acting might be greater than the consequences of not acting.

But they had to protect White Forest from the Advisors. Of that, much she was certain.

She was struck suddenly by a searing headache. “Oh, god,” she said, rubbing her forehead. “Guys, I have to go lie down.” In an instant, Gordon was up and at her side, his hands on her shoulders, looking into her eyes with grave concern. “It’s just a headache, Gordon,” she said. “A nasty one, but I’ll survive.” She gave him her best attempt at a smile.

He helped her to her feet, nodded a good-bye to Barney and Dr. Kleiner, and put his hand against her back to guide her from the mess hall. “I’m okay, really,” she said. “Just need a little rest.”

They’d hardly gone twenty yards when she felt her knees begin to buckle beneath her. Gordon caught her before she fell, and held her. “Damn,” she said. “What is going on with me?”

She let Gordon practically carry her the rest of the way to their quarters. By the time they arrived, her vision was beginning to blur, and she felt vaguely nauseous. “I don’t have time for this,” she said with a bitter laugh.

Gordon eased her into bed and tested her temperature with his hand. He looked into her eyes, and she realized he was checking her pupils. Next, he felt her pulse. “I didn’t realize you were a medical doctor,” she said, and tried to smile, but the pain in her head made it almost impossible. Flashing lights appeared at the perimeter of her vision, and she sighed. “It’s a migraine, Gordon, that’s all. I used to get them when I was younger. It’s been years. I guess I’ve been pushing myself too hard. I just need to rest.”

He stroked her forehead and her hair and she smiled through the haze that clouded her vision. "I should be fine by the time Barney’s crew returns,” she promised. “Then we can test the programming for real. God, I can’t believe this. After everything we’ve been through and done, it’s a freaking headache that’s putting me out of commission.”

Gordon put a finger to her lips and pulled the covers up over her shoulders. He kissed her forehead, and smiled at her. “You go do whatever it is you need to do,” she said. “I’ll be fine.” He cocked his head, nodded slowly, and left her to rest.

==========

She closed her eyes and let the migraine take its course. She knew there was no sense fighting it. She watched dispassionately as the flashing lights made their way across her field of vision. Then she saw the green electricity of a Vortigaunt’s powerful blast, and she sat up, too quickly. The room was empty, and silent. She closed her eyes again, and found herself surrounded by a circle of Vorts, chanting in their native tongue.

“What is this?” she said, and one of the Vortigaunt spoke. “The Alyx Vance is in grave danger. The sly one seeks to sever the bonds that bind her and the Free Man.”

She rubbed her forehead. This wasn’t a dream, she didn’t think, but it wasn’t reality, either. “What’s going on?” she said. The unearthly glow of the Vorts’ power battled the flashing lights her brain was concocting for her.

“The deceiver has intervened. The Alyx Vance and the Free Man are in jeopardy. The experiment will fail. Lives will be lost.”

Alyx squinted hard, trying to push the migraine aside. “Judith tried to reprogram the manhacks. I caught her. Is that what you mean?”

“The deception is deep. Do not trust your own mind.”

Alyx felt her breath catch in her throat, and sat fully up in bed, gasping for air. Her vision had cleared, and the pain was gone, for the moment. Had she been dreaming? She had no idea how much time had passed. She turned on the light on the bedside table and was relieved to find it brought her no discomfort. “Gordon?” she said, though she knew he wasn’t there.

“Locate the Free Man,” a Vortigaunt voice insisted.

Alyx leapt out of bed and hurriedly pulled on her jacket. She rushed from the room and instinctively made her way to Kleiner’s lab. She burst in, shouting Gordon’s name. The lab was empty. She quickly turned and headed for the mess hall. She was practically levitating as she ran, and nearly smacked face first into Gordon and Barney.

“Whoa, there, little sister!” Barney said as Gordon caught her in his arms. “Where’s the fire?”

“I’m not sure, but I think there is one,” she said. They both looked at her intently, and she explained what had happened.

“I don’t get why those guys can’t just say what they mean,” Barney said.

“What matters is that they gave us a warning,” Alyx said. “Somebody’s messing with our plans. We have to be careful." She looked at Gordon. “Are you okay?” she said. His face echoed her confusion, but he nodded. Then, he winced, and put a hand to his forehead. He seemed to go weak in the knees, and Barney caught him before he dropped to the ground.

“It’s _him_ ,” Alyx practically hissed. “He’s trying to stop us. I don’t know how, but he is. Shit, Gordon, are you okay?”

Barney was easing Gordon to the floor. He was blinking rapidly, as if trying to retain his vision. “Gordon?” Alyx said, her voice rising in pitch. “Talk to me.”

He held up his hand in a gesture she couldn’t quite read. She dropped to her knees by his side. “It’s okay,” she said. “Tell me you’re okay.”

He nodded and gave her a weak smile. “He did something to us,” Alyx said. She looked at Barney. “Do we have security footage? Would there be any way to know what happened in our quarters last night?”

Barney let out a deep breath. "No, our security’s nowhere near that tight. I could tell you if anyone breached the perimeter, but if they came from within, like it appears our strange friend seems to do, I wouldn’t have a record of that. But I’ll check to see if anything showed up.”

“Thanks,” Alyx said. “What time is it? Has your team returned?”

“They’re about an hour out.”

“Then I’m going to the lab to check over the programming. The Vorts said I shouldn’t trust my own mind. I need help.” She looked at Gordon. He was still grimacing in pain. “Shit,” she said. “I don’t know what to do.”

Barney made a face. “Magnusson,” he said. “He doesn’t seem to be influenced by anything. I’m pretty sure you could trust his judgement.”

Alyx sighed. “You’re right. I’ll go find him first. I hope Dr. Kleiner’s still there.

“If he’s not, he’ll be in his own lab. Meet you there within the hour. Don’t worry, were going to make this happen,” Barney said.

Alyx took a long look at Gordon. He was clearly in pain, but seemed to be doing okay. “All right, mister,” she said. “Hang in there, and I’ll see you when you’re ready.” He nodded weakly and gave her a thumbs-up gesture. She laughed.

“Don’t ever do that again,” she said, and stood to make her way to Magnusson’s lab.

==========

She was relieved to find Dr. Kleiner still there, poring over data with Magnusson. “Uncle Izzy,” she said, practically tumbling into the room. “I need your help. Both of you.”

Magnusson looked startled, but Kleiner rushed to meet Alyx. “What on earth has you so troubled, my dear?” he said.

She explained everything, casting occasional glances at Dr. Magnusson to check his reactions. She had no idea how much he knew, but from his expressions, he’d at least suspected that something was going on beyond their immediate observations. “Well,” he said. “It would seem I’m not quite obsolete after all. I can hardly begin to express my relief.”

“Please,” she said. “It’s urgent that we deploy the manhacks as soon as possible. I can’t explain why, it’s just a feeling in my gut.”

“Always a fine basis for scientific progress,” Magnusson grumbled.

“Arne, this is no time for your narrow-minded world view," Kleiner said. “Our friends are in need, and we must assist them. To my laboratory!”

Together, the three of them dashed to Kleiner’s lab. They were relieved to find it empty, and apparently unmolested. “I can tell you how I think I left things,” Alyx said, "and I’m pretty sure my last test was accurate. But I can't be completely sure of anything.”

“Review your programming, and we shall re-run your last test,” Kleiner said.

Alyx did as Kleiner suggested. The code appeared to be as she’d left it, but she no longer trusted her own eyes. “Looks good,” she said. “Let’s test the circuit.” Again, everything worked as expected. She felt a tightness in her chest. “Are we okay to test this live? I’d really appreciate it if you both had a look,” she said.

Both scientists reviewed her work. “I see no anomalies,” Kleiner said. “Except...Arne, look here.”

“A printout would be useful,” Magnusson grumbled, but he peered over Kleiner’s shoulder at the screen. “Oh, my,” he said. He and Kleiner looked at one another, and nodded. “Come here, young lady,” he said, and Alyx looked again. Still, she saw nothing wrong.

“I’m sure you see the problem,” Kleiner said.

Alyx took a deep breath, and sighed. “No. I see nothing wrong. Please, tell me what it is.”

“It's a single line that renders your programming moot once live equipment is connected,” Kleiner said. “Honestly, dear, it’s not obvious to you?”

“The Vortigaunts told me not to trust myself,” she said. “That’s why you’re here.”

“Indeed,” Kleiner said. “You were wise to consult us.”

Alyx felt tears welling in her eyes, and buried her face in her hands until they passed. “Okay,” she said. “Can you fix it? Is it really just one line, or is the code completely corrupted?”

“It would appear to be a single line, but we shall review the program,” Kleiner said, and looked squarely at Dr. Magnusson. “Won’t we?” he said.

“It would seem I have nothing better to do than review basic computer programs,” Magnusson grumbled. The two men set to work.

“I’m going to check on Gordon,” Alyx said, and left an instant before she erupted in tears of rage.

She stood in the hallway outside the lab, stifling a scream. She considered punching the nearest wall, but thought the better of it. Had someone else sabotaged the program, or had she written that line herself? The fact that she couldn’t know left her feeling helpless - a feeling she wasn’t accustomed to, and didn’t care for one bit.

The flood of anger passed as quickly as it had arrived, leaving her exhausted.

_I am_ not _letting him win_ , she thought, and headed purposefully toward her quarters.


	18. The Test

Gordon allowed Barney to guide him back to his quarters. He’d had the occasional migraine in his youth, but this was different. It felt as if his own mind was fighting against itself. When they reached his room, he tumbled into bed and clasped his hands against his head.

“Let me get you some water,” Barney said, but Gordon waved him away. He closed his eyes and reveled in the relative darkness, interrupted by spiking flashes of light.

“That fellow’s done a real number on you two,” Barney said. “You think we can finally get him off your backs if we stop the teleportation thing?”

Eyes still closed, Gordon shrugged, and tried to settle in to rest.

“Okay, buddy,” Barney said. “I’ll be back in half an hour. Alyx is counting on all of us.” Gordon nodded, and pulled the covers up around his shoulders. He felt chilled, and his head was splitting with pain. Half an hour. He hoped he could be ready by then.

==========

He was surprised to find himself asleep, and more surprised to find himself aware of being asleep. He was surrounded by Vortigaunts. “The Alyx Vance requires your assistance,” they said. “We will provide aid.” They raised their clawed hands and surrounded him in a purplish glow. He felt the pain in his head subside, and he sighed with relief. “The Free Man is as compromised as the Alyx Vance. Proceed with caution,” they said, and he awoke to an empty room, free from pain, but feeling deeply troubled. Still, he sat up, and prepared to find Alyx. She did need him, this time, and he needed to be there for her.

Just as he reached the door, she came through, nearly knocking him aside with the hurriedness of her entry. “Gordon! God, you’re standing up. Are you okay?”

He nodded, but looked worriedly at her. With a deep sigh, she explained what had happened to the programming for the manhacks. She finished by expressing the frustration she felt at not being able to trust her own mind, and he raised his eyebrows and nodded in enthusiastic agreement.

“You too?” she said, with a cock of her head. He nodded again and she took his hand. “We have to win this,” she said. “I refuse to be his pawn.”

He felt a shiver as he contemplated what results their refusal to play along might have. She was far braver than he, he realized, and he was stricken with gratitude that they were on the same side. He pulled her into a long embrace, then took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. When they parted, she was looking at him with a mixture of concern and amusement. “So, I take it we’re in agreement?” she said with a wink. He laughed and raised his hands as he shrugged.

Neither of them had noticed Barney come through the still-open door, and he cleared his throat. They both jumped a little as they turned to face their visitor. “Sorry to interrupt,” he said, “but I was under the impression we had urgent business to attend to.”

Gordon gave him a warning look, and Alyx said, "Barney, were you able to learn anything from the security records?”

“Nice change of subject,” Barney said. “Yes and no. I didn’t see anything that would have worried me if I wasn’t looking for it, but there was a weird fluctuation in the readings from the perimeter patrol signal. Almost like a bird flew over, but it wasn’t that. We know what that looks like.”

“Maybe it was a really big bird,” Alyx said.

Barney chuckled. “ _Something_ interfered with the signal. That’s all I can tell you for sure. Except that it happened last night, around midnight."

Gordon glanced at Alyx, but she didn’t return the look. Instead, she seemed to be deep in concentration. “It was him, I’m willing to bet,” she said. “And that means he leaves a footprint, even if it’s not much.”

“Well, I suppose that’s something,” Barney said.

It was definitely something. Otherworldly though the man might be, it appeared that he might have a measurable impact on the real world, and that meant they had some chance of predicting his appearance, even if there was nothing they could do about it. The notion gave Gordon some small comfort.

“You think this is a good thing, Gordon?” Alyx said, and he nodded. “Okay,” she said. “I guess it’s time for us to head back to the lab. Barney, your team’s back?”

“Yep,” he said. “Just arrived. They should be ready to unload.”

“Okay,” Alyx said, taking a deep breath. “I guess we’re gonna do this, then.”

==========

“Ah, the saviors of humanity have returned at last,” Magnusson said as they entered the lab.

“Alyx,” said Kleiner, “I'm happy to report that the remainder of your code appears intact. However, I found no indication that your work was changed. The only access code recently used was your own."

Alyx nodded in understanding. “That’s what I was afraid of,” she said.

Gordon found himself feeling deeply angry. It was one thing for the man to interfere in his life, but the moment he touched Alyx, he’d gone a step too far. Of course, Gordon understood now that it had been going on for years, even decades, but saving her life was one thing; manipulating her for his own ends was quite another. He looked at her; she appeared shaken, but okay.

“We have to test the live equipment,” she said.

Dr. Kleiner nodded. “Understood,” he said.

Alyx looked at Barney. “Have your crew distribute the ‘hacks at equal points along the perimeter,” she said. “In ten minutes, I want to be ready to simulate an attack.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Barney said with a nod, and left the lab. Alyx looked at the scientists gathered around her. “I have no idea what’s going to happen,” she confessed. “But I’m hoping for the best.”

Magnusson cleared his throat, loudly, but said nothing, for a change.

“We'll be prepared for whatever comes next,” Kleiner said, and Gordon wondered how he could make such a statement, but he let himself feel comforted, nonetheless. The notion of intentionally activating the manhacks threatened to fill him with dread - he’d been far too close to their blades to ever consider them as potential allies. But he trusted Alyx, even if she didn’t trust herself. They would see the experiment through, together.

Alyx looked at him. “You okay?” she said. He nodded and nearly gave her a thumbs-up, when he remembered her admonishment from the last time he’d done so. He smiled goofily, and she laughed, a sound that was music to his ears. Then she grew serious. “You don’t have to be here for this, if you don’t want to,” she said. He frowned sternly and shook his head. “Okay,” she said, “but I know these things are troublesome for you. They are for me, too.”

All the more reason for him to stay, he thought, but he simply held his gaze steady. “Don’t say I didn’t give you the chance,” she said with a small smile.

Almost exactly ten minutes later, Barney returned. “Give them five minutes more,” he said, clearly out of breath. “The perimeter’s bigger than you think when you’re on the inside.”

Alyx nodded. “Do we need to wait for a signal?”

“Naw, they’ll have it done. I expressed the urgency of the situation,” Barney said, his expression distant.

Alyx rubbed her forehead. “I wish I could see what happens,” she said.

“You and Gordon should feel free to go to an observation point,” Kleiner said. “Dr. Magnusson and I can deploy the code.”

The two shared a glance, and Alyx nodded. “Let’s go, Gordon,” she said. “I really want to watch.”

==========

They stepped out onto the same balcony from which they’d observed the destruction of the portal, just moments before Eli was killed. After a short time, Barney joined them with a radio in hand. “Hope I’m not interrupting a date,” he said with a wink. “Crew’s almost finished. I’ve got people ready to simulate a breach. Of course, the ‘hacks will be responding to nothing, so we won’t be able to see what they’d do in a real threat situation, but hopefully we’ll get a fair idea.”

A voice crackled over the radio, informing Barney that the manhacks were distributed. “Good job,” Barney said. “Now get out of there.” He looked at Alyx. “Not that I’m questioning your work,” he said.

She nodded, without looking at him.

A few minutes later, the crew signaled that they were safely away. “Here goes nothing,” Barney said. He signaled the security station to activate the simulation. Instantly, a small cloud of manhacks rose up around the perimeter. Barney gave a hoot, and he and Gordon shared a high-five as Alyx looked on.

“Seriously?” she said.

“Sorry, ma’am,” Barney said. “Cut the signal,” he said into the radio. The manhacks retreated.

“It’s not a perfect test,” he said, “but I’d say it bodes well.”

“We still have no idea how they’ll react in a real-world situation,” Alyx said. “I’m glad you guys are pleased, but I’m still skeptical.”

“As you should be,” Barney said, “but so far, so good.”

“Okay,” Alyx said. “So now what? We wait for an attack, and hope for the best? Or is there some way we can do a more realistic test?”

The three of them stood in silent contemplation of the problem at hand.

“I’m stumped,” Barney said at last. “Can’t imagine anyone volunteering to be a test subject.”

“Dog could do it,” Alyx said, “although it wouldn’t be a fair fight.”

“Better than no test at all, “Barney said. “But how are the manhacks going to recognize Dog as an enemy?”

“I’ve programmed them to recognize fully organic units as distinct from synths and mechanicals,” Alyx said. “Hypothetically, they’ll ignore biological forms, and go after literally anything else. So, humans and Vortigaunts should be fine. So should headcrabs and zombies, unfortunately. But hunters, striders, and Advisors would all be targeted.”

“And your strange friend? Assuming he does have to cross the perimeter to pay y’all a visit?”

“No idea,” Alyx said. “We don’t know what he is.”

“Looks human enough, from what little I’ve seen,” Barney said.

Alyx and Gordon looked at one another and shook their heads in tandem. “He’s not human,” Alyx said. “Biological, maybe, but not human.”

Gordon nodded in agreement. The man was definitely alien, but was he born, or created? His strange cadence suggested he wasn’t comfortable with human language; it was almost mechanical in nature. He supposed they’d find out soon enough whether the new system would provide any protection from their unwelcome visitor.

“Fair enough,” Barney said. “You wanna ask Dog if he’s up for this?”

“Oh, he’ll be up for it,” she said with a laugh.

“Great. Just ask him not to take out too much of our equipment,” Barney said.

==========

Dog eagerly agreed to his mission, though he whimpered a little at the suggestion that he should go easy on the manhacks. Barney briefly lowered the perimeter guard as Alyx, Gordon and Dog exited the relative safety of the White Forest compound. Gordon insisted they get well away from the perimeter before the defense was launched.

“Don’t you trust my work?” Alyx said with a wink. Gordon merely raised his eyebrows and smiled.

Once they were a few hundred yards away, Alyx signaled Barney to reinstate the defense and launch the program. “Okay, Dog, go!” she said. Her robotic companion eagerly bounded away and easily leapt over the fence that marked the compound’s outer edges. Immediately, the manhacks rose up to meet him, and he swatted them away like mosquitoes. “I’d say that’s a success,” Alyx said. “My turn.”

Before Gordon could stop her, she darted toward the fence line. He tried to go after her, but without his HEV suit, he could barely keep up. He watched helplessly as she scrambled over the chain-link fence and landed gracefully on the other side.

The manhacks ignored her. Gordon breathed a sigh of relief and hurried the rest of the way after her. He gave her a look that he hoped expressed how unhappy he was with her decision, but she merely laughed. “It works!” she said. She radioed Barney to shut down the system. She yelped as an errant manhack nearly clipped her arm. “That was a fluke,” she said, giving Gordon a sideways glance. He shook his head slowly and rolled his eyes, then entered the compound through the same gate they’d used to exit, chaining it behind him.

Alyx seemed practically giddy with success, and he quickly forgave her foolishness. She’d trusted her own instincts, and that alone was how she’d survived for so long. He found himself admiring her yet again, though he was still a bit annoyed by her capriciousness. If anything had happened to her...

“Hey, lighten up, Doc,” she said with a sly smile. “I’m fine, we’re fine, and the system works. Let’s get back to the lab and let Kleiner and Magnusson know.”

They returned to the lab and Alyx excitedly reported the success of their test. “Young lady,” Kleiner said, “you took a great risk.”

“I had to, Uncle Izzy,” she said. “I wasn’t going to let anyone else take it.” Kleiner sighed and shook his head, but said nothing more on the subject.

“Your success is our success,” Magnusson said with uncharacteristic magnanimity. “Now we can merely hope this test was not an anomaly.”

Gordon glanced at Alyx. Her expression was serious, but she was smiling. “We might actually beat these bastards,” she said.

“Eloquently put, as always,” Magnusson said.

“Gordon, let’s celebrate. Dinner’s on me,” Alyx said with a grin. Her smile was infectious and he found himself sharing it. They joined hands and headed toward the mess hall.

===========

Barney joined them at their table. “Well,” he said, “I guess we call that a good test. Y’all happy?”

Gordon and Alyx nodded. “Gordon’s not thrilled with me, but I think we’re both pleased with how things turned out,” Alyx said.

Barney grinned. “Cheers, then,” he said, raising his cup of water. They toasted, and sipped their drinks. Gordon’s caught in his throat, and he began to cough.

“You okay?” Alyx said, putting her hands on his shoulders. He waved her away, but found he couldn’t get a breath. Despite the panic that was welling up in him, he managed to notice that her face had gone tight, and her lips were becoming bluish around the edges. She gripped his shoulders as her eyes grew wide.

“Medic!” Barney shouted, and several rushed toward their table. Just as they began to arrive, Gordon’s throat seemed to release, and he gasped for air just as Alyx did the same. They stared at one another, breathing deeply, sharing their understanding of what had happened.

“I think we’ve pissed somebody off,” Alyx said, and Gordon nodded.

“Christ,” Barney said. “You guys okay? You just scared the crap out of me.”

“Me too, Barn,” Alyx said. She took a long, deep breath. “He’s just making a point, or we’d be dead,” she said, her gaze distant. “Barney, check the security system. See if it registered an anomaly just now.”

“The team should still be monitoring the perimeter,” Barney said. “I’ll radio in.” He touched base with his people - they’d seen nothing. “So much for that,” he said.

“Unless,” Alyx said, “he hasn’t left since the last time he showed up.”

It was a chilling thought, but no worse than the idea that he could come and go undetected, Gordon supposed. Regardless, he was done with the man’s interference in his life, and he realized he was ready to do almost anything to stop it. If giving up teleportation was what it would take, he would do it. He wanted peace of mind, for once. He looked at Alyx and she met his eyes. He tried to telegraph his feelings. She nodded, slowly.

“Me, too,” she said, and began to cry. “I just want to be free,” she said. She quickly got control of herself. “But I won’t sacrifice the safety of this place. If he expects us to do that, he can go to hell.”

Gordon found himself waiting for his throat to constrict again. When it didn’t happen, he sighed with relief.

“Yeah,” Alyx said. “This is no way to live.”

Gordon pushed his tray aside, and stood up. Alyx joined him. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” she said. He nodded.

“Okay,” she said, taking his hand. “Let’s go.”

Together, they walked slowly back toward their quarters.

==========

They sat down on the bed together, with the room darkened. “Do we just wait?” Alyx said. Gordon nodded, then shrugged. “I hate this,” she said. He nodded again, and put his arm around her. She sighed and leaned into him. “I want to be with you, right now,” she said, “and I feel like that would be really weird.” He chuckled and nodded. “Soon,” she said. He kissed her, and as if confirming their worst fears, the light in the room took on a purple glow. He pulled her as close as he could; they weren’t going through this alone, not this time.

“I’m sorry to interrupt an...intimate moment,” the man said. “But I have an important...message to relay. You have angered my...employers. Fortunately, I have a special fondness for the two of you. It is possible we might come to a...compromise.

“Get out of our lives,” Alyx said. “That’s the compromise. Leave us alone, or we will find a way to destroy you.”

“Miss Alyx Vance,” the man said. “You have always been a thorn in my side. Had my superiors had their way, you would have been disposed of...long ago. I alone have seen to your...retention.”

“Bullshit,” Alyx said. The man frowned, then his lips curled into a smile. “This is why I have seen fit to maintain your existence,” he said. “Your spirit...I admire it.”

He looked at Gordon. “Mister Freeman,” he said. “You continue to disappoint me. Our relationship was mutually beneficial, yet you have chosen to travel your own road. Do you truly believe you know better than I? A most foolish conclusion.”

Gordon’s searing headache returned, and he winced and rubbed at his forehead. Alyx put an arm around him and pulled him closer. He was grateful she was able to do so. “Stop hurting him,” she snarled. “What kind of a petty creature are you? You have control over time and space, and this is how you get your kicks?”

The man turned to her. “You believe I am the cause of Mr. Freeman’s pain? On the contrary. It is the absence of my influence that allows him to feel it.”

“You’re lying!” she said, standing up. She seemed to be trying to approach the man, but couldn’t move from her spot next to the bed. “Let him go. Let us both go. We’ll stay out of your way. We’ll mind our business, and you mind yours.”

"That is not a...compromise I am able to make. I’m afraid you must offer...much more in return.”

“We’ll stop the teleportation experiments,” Alyx said. “Judith said that’s what you want. We’ll do it. Just let us live our lives.”

“Ah yes...Ms. Mossman. She has proven herself a valuable asset. Unfortunately she is as independent of...spirit as are you. I fear I must question her loyalty. I shall ponder our...discussion. Expect to see me again...soon.”

He vanished through a lighted doorway, and Gordon’s pain disappeared. He rose quickly to catch Alyx as she nearly fell from the exertion of trying to move.

“Damn him,” she said. He pulled her into his arms and she began to sob. “What are we going to do?” she said. “What does he want from us?”

Gordon stroked her hair as she cried. He suspected his loyalty was the only thing he had to offer. And he was no longer willing to give it.


	19. Impossible

Alyx lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. “We can fend off the Advisors,” she said. “We can, possibly, know when that man comes and goes. What we can’t seem to do is stop him. Do you think he’ll take the deal?” She sat up and looked at Gordon through eyes that were still bleary with tears.

He shook his head slowly, and shrugged.

“I know. I’m sorry, there’s no way you could know.”

There was a sudden knock on the door, and Barney entered without waiting for a reply. “Sorry,” he said, “but I thought you’d like to know that really big bird just crossed the perimeter again.”

Alyx and Gordon glanced at one another. “He left?” she said.

“He was here?” Barney said. Alyx and Gordon both nodded.

“You guys okay?”

Alyx sighed. “Yeah. No. I don’t know.” She rubbed her face. “I’d be a lot better if he’d go away for good.”

Barney sat down beside her. “We’re doing what we can,” he said.

“Oh, Barney, I hope you don’t think I’m blaming you,” she said.

“Not at all. I just wish there was more I could do.” He stood again. “Tell you what,” he said, “I’m gonna see if we can’t fine-tune our equipment to better detect him. And just so you know how serious I am, I will go talk to Magnusson, all by my lonesome. You two take a break. You’ve earned it.”

Alyx laughed softly and took Barney’s hand. “Thank you,” she said. Barney kissed her forehead, gave Gordon a knowing wink, and left their quarters.

She looked at Gordon. “I just want to rest,” she said with a sad smile. He nodded and pulled her to his side, and they sat together for a long while. She nestled a little closer. “I thought I just wanted to rest,” she said, then turned her face to his and pulled him into a long, lingering kiss; one he returned with enthusiasm. The feeling of his tongue exploring her mouth set her alive with sensation, and she turned to face him fully, pressing her chest against his. “This is stupid,” she said between kisses.

He murmured his agreement as he slipped her jacket from her shoulders, and promptly removed her sweatshirt.

“Seriously,” she said, giving him a peck on the lips, “we’re in the middle of a crisis here. Anybody could come through that door at any moment.”

Gordon nodded, solemnly, and rose from the bed. He went to the door, locked it, and turned back to Alyx with a salacious smile.

She stood up. “You’re impossible,” she said. He seemed to ponder the ceiling for a moment, then looked back at her, smiled, and nodded affirmatively. “Fine,” she said, and pulled off her tank and bra in a single motion. “Keep being impossible.”

She loved the effect the site of her naked breasts seemed to have on him, as he stared unapologetically. “I’m wearing half the clothing you are,” she said. “That doesn’t seem fair.”

He quickly unbuttoned his shirt and let it drop to the floor, then undid his pants and slipped out of them, leaving him standing naked before her. His scars and bruises were slowly healing, and he was growing more fit now that he’d shed the HEV suit. “That’s better,” she said with a smile, and slowly slid off her jeans. They stood staring at one another for a long time. “I love you, Dr. Freeman,” she said, and he went to her and pulled her into his arms, covering her body with kisses.

==========

Alyx was certain everyone in the compound could hear her cries. She didn’t care. Gordon’s attention to her body had taken on a new level, yet again, and she was reaching peaks of pleasure she hadn’t previously imagined. His tongue grazed the inside of her thigh; now and again he used it to stroke her center, sending a shudder down her spine. Part of her wanted him to stop teasing; another part hoped he’d never stop. He brushed her nipples with his fingertips, pinching occasionally with just enough force to make her wince and moan. She reached out to stroke him, and his own sighs drove her that much closer to her climax. “Please,” she said at last.

Instead of taking her entirely, he slipped his fingers inside of her. That was all it took, and she shuddered and cried out even more loudly, certain that someone from security would be coming to check on her well-being. “Oh, god,” she moaned, as her entire body seemed to melt into his touch. “Please, don’t ever stop.” He didn’t, until she said, “Okay, I need you, now.” He grasped her thighs and gazed at her nakedness, his face a perfect expression of hunger and lust, before he slid gently inside of her. She went rigid with ecstasy, and gave a long, low cry as her pleasure reached its peak. He continued to ease in and out of her, gauging her comfort, until he came suddenly and intensely, and buried his head against her shoulder. She realized he was weeping, silently, and she caressed the back of his head and repeated, “I love you. With everything, I love you.” He collapsed against her, his breath steady and deep. “We’ll win,” she promised. “Or we’ll die trying.” He rose up and looked into her eyes. She realized what she’d just said, and swallowed hard. “I mean that,” she said. “I'd rather die with you than live without you.”

He opened his mouth and shook his head as he stroked her hair. “Don’t argue with me, Gordon,” she said. “I won’t give you up. The base is safe. The people here are going to survive.” She looked him in the eye. “They took my childhood. They took my father. In spite of all that, I’ve had a good life, and now I want more. I want you. I want us.”

Gordon eased away from her, rose from the bed, and walked toward the door, running a hand through his hair. He stood with his back to her, and even in the seriousness of the moment, she couldn’t help admiring his physique. “Hey,” she said. “You with the cute ass.” He turned and gave her the same, stern look he’d given her when she leapt the fence to test the manhacks. “I’m not some pathetic kid,” she said. “I know what I’m saying, and I mean it. I won’t spend my life as a slave to that creature.”

Gordon’s gaze dropped to the floor. “Oh, shit,” she said. “I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. You’ve done what you had to do. And now it’s my turn. You chose to save the world. I choose to save us.”

He looked at her again, his eyes pleading. “I believe we will win," she said. “I just choose not to accept the alternative.” His shoulders sagged, in what appeared to be relief, rather than frustration. He held out his arms, and she let herself be enfolded. “By now, you should have realized I don’t give up,” she said. With his face nuzzled against her neck, he nodded, and kissed her. She drew back after a moment, and said, “Tomorrow we’re going to hear from Judith. Wherever she is, my guess is he’s approached her by now. She’ll bring us an offer. We probably won’t like it. But at least we’ll have an idea of what comes next.”

He sighed, and nodded. “I’m in this with you,” she said. “You’re not alone anymore. But that means you have to trust me.” As soon as she said it, it sounded foolish. For weeks, he’d trusted her with his life, without question. Why would it be any different now?

Still, he nodded with a gravitas that let her know he was taking her seriously, and for that, she was grateful. “I don’t want to die, Gordon,” she said, “and I don’t intend to. But I am willing." He grasped her hands, and nodded in understanding, or agreement - she wasn’t sure which. Maybe both. Regardless, they were still on the same team - of that, she was certain. “Let’s rest,” she said. “Tomorrow’s going to be a big day.”

Together they slipped into their shared bed, barely breaking contact. They nestled together and sleep came mercifully fast.

==========

Early the next morning, there was a soft knock on the door, then the handle turned gently. Gordon leapt out of bed, quickly dressed, and went to answer. Barney stood outside, looking a bit sheepish. “Sorry for the intrusion,” he said, giving Alyx an amused look as she wrapped a sheet around herself and joined Gordon at the door. “Do y’all want the good news, or the bad news first?”

“Good?” Alyx said.

“Shoot, I was messing with you. There’s no good news. Well, I guess that depends on your point of view. Okay, so first off, Judith is waiting for y’all in the mess hall. Says she has urgent business. Second, I think we’ve managed to tweak the security system to let us know when your friend arrives, but we won’t know for sure until he shows up again. So I guess the good news is we haven’t seen any new anomalies since last night.”

“Barney,” Alyx said, “you’re acting kind of weird. What is it?”

“Nothing!” Barney said. “You’re fine.”

Alyx and Gordon glanced at each other. “Yes,” Alyx said, “why wouldn’t we be?”

“Okay, I’ll ‘fess up.” Barney said. “I may have been called to your hall to investigate a...disturbance last night. Believe me, it was no fun trying to figure out how to let your neighbors know everything was okay.”

Alyx blushed and pursed her lips. “Sorry,” she said. Gordon rubbed his chin.

“No need to apologize,” Barney said. “Just, maybe keep it down next time.”

Alyx laughed out loud and quickly covered her mouth. For all the times he’d teased them, it was amusing to see him genuinely embarrassed. “Okay, we’ll try to behave,” she promised. “Give us a few minutes and let Judith know we’re on the way, okay?”

“You got it,” he said, and quickly made his exit.

Alyx looked at Gordon, her eyes wide. “Oops,” she said. Gordon just grinned. “You really are impossible,” she said.

==========

When they reached the mess hall, they found Judith sitting with Barney, both of them sipping coffee and not speaking to one another. When they arrived, she looked up and smiled a grim smile. “Well,” she said. “Here you are.”

"Yes,” Alyx said. “We were expecting you.”

Judith raised her eyebrows. “I see,” she said. “A deal is on the table.” Gordon and Alyx waited for her to continue. “You will cease the teleportation experiments, and destroy all related equipment,” she said.

Alyx sighed, and nodded. “Okay,” she said. “We’re willing to do that.”

“There’s more,” Judith said. “You have to abandon the perimeter guard.”

“No,” Alyx said. “No way.”

“He will leave you alone if you do this,” Judith said. “It’s a small sacrifice.”

Alyx stood up. “It’s our only defense against the Advisors!” she said. “We won’t do it.”

“Alyx, you can try to protect this base, but this is a tiny fraction of civilization. Are you willing to give up everything to protect this tiny little corner of the world? Let it go! Get your life back. You two can go anywhere. The Combine are all but defeated. Just let this go.”

“I have a duty to the people here.”

Judith shook her head and laughed. “You foolish child,” she said. “You can’t win, do you understand?”

“Yes,” Alyx said, “I can. And I will.” She stood up. “We’ll stop the teleportation experiments. We’ll destroy the equipment. We won’t lower our defenses. Why would we? They’re useless against him, anyway. Take my message back to him. We’ll talk again when he’s ready to deal.”

“Deal with him now, or you will suffer the loss of his protection,” Judith said. “And you really don’t want that.”

“Protection?” Alyx laughed bitterly. “We’ll do without it.”

Judith stood and faced Alyx. “You truly have no idea what you’re up against,” she said.

“Then tell me.”

Judith sighed and looked around the room, then leaned closer to Alyx. “It’s the Advisors,” she said. “They’re behind all of this. They’re the reason for your pain. They don’t need to be within close proximity to harm you. Our friend has been protecting you both. It’s difficult for him. He’s running out of patience.”

“That makes all of us,” Alyx said. “Maybe he should leave us to our own devices.”

“You’ll die,” Judith said. “You would have died twenty years ago if it weren’t for him.”

“Yes, and so would Gordon,” Alyx said. “So we keep being reminded. I’m tired of his influence. We’d rather die.”

“That’s easy to say when you don’t believe it will happen,” Judith said. “I’ve been there. It’s not something you want to experience.”

Alyx leaned back and sighed. “Then what do we do, Judith? You’re giving us a choice between death, and a lifetime of enslavement."

“No,” Judith said. I’m asking you to believe that he is on your side, and that if you will only trust him, you will come out of this alive, and free. But you must, you must trust him, and me.”

Alyx shook her head. “I’m afraid that’s impossible,” she said.

“Then do the impossible. Isn’t that what you pride yourself on?”

Alyx finally made eye contact with Judith - something she’d avoided for most of her life. She tried to read her rival's expression. She couldn’t - or maybe she didn’t want to. What she saw - what she thought she saw - was sincerity. “I can’t,” she said. “We’ve fought so hard.”

Judith grasped her hands. Alyx pulled back, but didn’t let go. “I know,” Judith said. “God, I know. Please, trust me, just once. What you want is in reach, but you have to trust me, and him. I know it goes against everything you’re feeling, but you won’t regret it. Please.”

Alyx kept her eyes locked on Judith’s. “If I trust you, and this base falls, I will never forgive myself,” she said.

“And if you don’t trust me, then what? You know he won’t leave you alone. You will spend the rest of your life fighting him. And it will be a short life, because he is the only thing keeping you alive, and he will tire of fighting you. He has other options. You don’t.”

Alyx slumped into the nearest chair and buried her face in her hands. “How much time do we have?” she said. ‘

“A day, at most,” Judith said. “Destroy the teleportation equipment, and drop the perimeter guard. Do it by tomorrow morning, and you’ll have your freedom. If that’s really what you want.”

Alyx glared at Judith. “All right,” she said. “Well do it.” She felt herself beginning to tremble with rage and fear. “Please go away, and don’t come back,” she said.

Judith nodded. "Good-bye, Alyx,” she said. “You won’t be seeing me again.”

===========

Alyx was trembling. She wasn’t sure if it was rage, panic, or both, but she couldn’t stop herself from shaking. Gordon seemed to understand that this was not a time to offer her comfort, though she knew he was nearby and ready when she was. “I can’t believe it’s come down to this,” she said through clenched teeth. “This is an impossible decision. We’ve come so far. We were almost free. And now I have no idea what’s going to happen.” She looked at Gordon. “But I’m the one who has to decide, don’t I?”

She didn’t wait for his response. She put her face in her hands. What would her father have done, she wondered. Instantly, she knew. “Dad would not have put his own needs ahead of the security of this base,” she said. “And I won’t either. “

Gordon took her hands as she lifted her head. He nodded slowly. Whether he was agreeing or simply acquiescing, she wasn’t sure, but she appreciated his support, either way. She swallowed hard and stood up, her hands still safely in Gordon’s grasp. “I’m going to tell Kleiner and Magnusson that we have to destroy the equipment,” she said. “After that, I may not care what happens next.” She smiled wryly, and Gordon smiled back, encouragement in his eyes. “Thank you,” she said. He stood up, clearly intending to join her. “You sure?” she said, and he nodded. “Okay. Let’s do this,” she said.

They walked slowly to Magnusson’s lab, expecting to find both scientists there. Their assumption was correct. The door was open, and Alyx knocked lightly on the inside of the frame. They looked up, their expressions pained.

“Ah, you’ve come to deliver difficult news, I see,” Kleiner said.

Alyx nodded slowly.

“Don’t waste our time,” Magnusson said. “Please.”

“We have to abandon the teleportation experiments, and destroy all the related equipment,” Alyx said, confirming what they clearly already knew.

Kleiner nodded. “Very well,” he said. “I know you did not reach this decision lightly. We’ll proceed immediately. And the security field?”

“We’re leaving it in place,” Alyx said. “It’s the only thing standing between this base and the Advisors.”

Kleiner looked troubled. “My dear, are you quite sure? As I understand it -"

“I’m sure,” Alyx said, though she was far from it.

“Very well,” Kleiner said, “although I do hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Not really,” Alyx confessed. “I’m doing what I believe is right.”

“We could ask nothing more, and nothing less,” Kleiner said. “We’re with you.” He looked at Magnusson. “Aren’t we?”

Magnusson waved him away. “Please, don’t bother me right now. I’m busy destroying decades of progress,” he said.

Alyx went to Magnusson’s side, and put a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you," she said. He looked at her, then looked away. “Hmph,” he said. "It’s for the good of humanity, I suppose.”

They trusted her, she realized. She knew she had to do everything she could to deserve that trust.


	20. Attack

"I can’t do it,” Alyx said. “I just can’t let the perimeter guard down. That feels like suicide. No, worse. It feels like murder.”

Gordon nodded slowly.

“I guess this is it,” she said. “We find out if this is the right choice. Do you think it will happen quickly, or will we have to wait and see? I hope it’s quick.” She put her face in her hands for a moment, then stared up at the ceiling.

She expected to die, Gordon realized, and soon. He’d spent the past several weeks of his life in that state, and he knew exactly how she felt. He suspected it was a first for her; she’d always taken survival for granted. Her strength and her wits had seen her through - this was the first time she’d been up against an impossible enemy.

But it wasn’t the first time for Gordon, and he’d managed to survive in spite of everything. He wanted to share that feeling with her, somehow. He put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. She met his gaze, and her brow narrowed. “You really do think we’re doing the right thing, don’t you?” she said. “You’re not just humoring me.”

He smiled and embraced her. “Thank you,” she said. “You have no idea how much that means to me.”

He had no idea what would happen next. Would it be quick, the decision about their future? He doubted that. More likely, they’d wait in stasis for another two decades, or more. But he didn’t dare let on that was his thinking. He imagined she’d rather die than meet such a fate. When he considered it, he realized the same was true for him, unless they somehow managed to come out of it together. He’d wait a hundred years if that were the case.

But that was not useful thinking; not right now. He took a deep breath, one that shuddered more than he intended, and he glanced at Alyx to see how she might have taken his obvious insecurity. “It’s okay,” she said. “I don’t need you to be my backbone.” He hugged her more tightly, and she hugged back. “Whatever happens next, know that I love you,” she said.

==========

“It’s done,” Kleiner said. “We’ve destroyed the equipment, and erased all of our relevant data. If there’s nothing else you’ll be needing, I think Dr. Magnusson and I would both like to partake of some of Barney’s special brew.”

Alyx sighed. “Thank you, Uncle Izzy,” she said. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“No need to apologize, my dear. This decision was a long time coming. It wasn’t truly yours to make. Your father was well aware of the probability things would come to this.”

Alyx looked a little stunned by the revelation. “He was?” she said.

“Oh, yes indeed. Of course, we all hoped for a better outcome, but clearly, it was not meant to be.” Kleiner looked down at the floor for a moment, then lifted his face and gave the barest hint of a smile. “Tomorrow will be a new day,” he said, then glanced back at Dr. Magnusson. “Arne? The first round is on me.”

Magnusson appeared to be on the verge of tears. He hurried past Gordon and Alyx with a grumbled farewell.

“I never thought I'd actually feel sorry for Dr. Magnusson,” Alyx said with a shallow laugh.

Gordon smiled and squeezed her hands. “So,” she said, “now what? We wait? We go about life as usual?”

For the first time, it occurred to Gordon that there might be no instant answer - that they might simply go on with their lives, waiting for the consequences to play out. He looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

“Yeah,” Alyx said. “I think I’d prefer something more...I don’t know. Something solid, I guess.”

Gordon nodded. He realized he still hadn’t let go of her hands, and he raised them to his face and kissed them gently. She smiled and cocked her head. “So what now, Dr. Freeman?” she said.

He let go of her hands and shook his head. He sighed, stood up, and reached out to her. She rose on her own and smiled up at him. “We did what we chose to do,” she said. “I’m satisfied with our decision. Whatever happens next, happens.”

It was early afternoon, and they’d missed lunch, though Gordon found he had no appetite. He doubted Alyx did, either. He took her hand and together they walked to the door and out of the lab. “Let’s take a walk,” Alyx said. Gordon nodded and together they made their way to an exit. More people than usual took the time to nod, say hello, or otherwise acknowledge the two of them.

“I feel like we’re marked,” Alyx said.

The air outside was crisp and cold, and the snow was gone, for the time being. The sun felt warm and full of promise, though clouds were gathering in the distance. There’d be more snow by nightfall. Gordon took a deep breath and enjoyed the feeling of the chilled air in his lungs. For a moment, he felt grounded, even safe. He was glad Alyx had made the difficult decision she’d made, and he wondered if he would have had the nerve to do the same. There was something deeply freeing about saying no to the strange man’s demands, for a change. He doubted a good end would come of it, but for now, he felt almost good.

From out of nowhere, Dog came bounding up, a huge chunk of some piece of equipment or other grasped in one of his forepaws. Alyx laughed. “Oh, Dog, that’s too big for both of us together to throw!” she said. But Dog continued on toward the perimeter, barely pausing to notice them. “Shit,” Alyx said. “Something’s got his attention.”

Together they ran after Dog, stopping short at the sight of something approaching on the horizon. “Oh, god,” Alyx said softly. “This is it, isn’t it?

Gordon stood, staring into the distance. At least a dozen Advisor pods were rapidly approaching. As they crossed the perimeter, the manhacks fluttered to life, pinging uselessly against the armored vessels. Gordon took Alyx’s hand again, and together they turned and ran back toward the compound. They passed a few refugees and former rebels along the way, and motioned urgently for them to get inside. The instant the last person was indoors, they pulled the door tightly and locked it with the keypad. “We need to radio Barney,” Alyx said.

“No, you don’t,” Barney said, approaching rapidly from the other side of the hall. "We got an alert. Is it what I think it is?”

They both nodded. "There’s a bunch of them,” Alyx said. “They’re in pods.”

Barney nodded. “We need to get to an observation point and see what happens. There’s no telling how long they’ll stay in those pods if they feel threatened. Could be a while.”

“Shit," Alyx said. “I didn’t even consider this. I should have programmed the manhacks to wait until they disembarked. If this fails because of me...”

Gordon and Barney both looked at her sternly. “It’s no time for should-haves,” Barney said. “They have to come out eventually, if they want to get at us."

Alyx nodded and sighed.

“Didn’t take them long, did it. Almost like they knew we were ready for ‘em.”

“We can’t just wait for them to attack us,” Alyx said. “We have to do something.”

“We already did,” Barney said. “You did. And yes, we absolutely can wait. Now, let’s get to the observation deck.”

==========

The pods had settled into a sort of formation on the ground near the base. They sat still and silent. Gordon watched Dog making his way from pod to pod, as if he were trying to figure out a way inside.

“Your friend gonna be okay out there?” Barney said.

“I hope so,” Alyx replied, though she sounded confident.

“Okay. Then we watch, and wait.”

An hour passed, then two. Gordon began to pick at his cuticles. Alyx wandered from one corner of the room to the other, stopping occasionally to stretch.

“Are we gonna have to draw them out?” Barney said.

“What do you mean?” said Alyx.

“I’m not sure. Give them an opening, see if they take the bait.”

Alyx shook her head. “No way,” she said. “They rely on sneak attacks. If they know we’re on to them, there’s no telling what they might do.”

“You got a better idea?” Barney said. “Because I have a feeling they can be awfully patient.”

Alyx rubbed her face. “Think, Alyx, think,” she said. After a moment, she looked up. “Okay. We can wait. That could take...we don’t know how long. We can send out bait. That will almost certainly lead to lives lost. What’s the third alternative? There has to be one.”

Gordon and Barney stared at one another. Neither said anything. “Come on, you two,” Alyx said. “There has to be something.” The two men looked away. “Dammit,” she said. “I need help.”

“I’m sorry,” Barney said, “but I’ve got nothing. Unless...”

“Don’t even say it,” she said. “I’m not turning to _him_ for help.”

Gordon looked at her and nodded, though he wasn’t sure what the alternative might be. No matter how he set his mind to the problem, he came up empty. He sat down near a control panel and stared toward the ceiling.

“Gordon,” Alyx said. “That control panel. I don’t think - we don’t have any more rockets, do we?”

Gordon raised his eyebrows at her, and glanced at the control panel. He couldn’t ascertain anything from it, but it was worth checking out.

Together, the three of them dashed through the base on their way to the bottom of the silo. The room was cluttered and dangerous looking, but there were at least three small rockets that were likely in as good repair as the one they’d launched to destroy the portal. “Do we dare bomb our own base?” Alyx said.

“Don’t know,” Barney said, “but at least now you’ve got your plan B. Sorry, plan C.”

Gordon began mentally running through the possible outcomes. If they targeted the pods, they’d have to be extremely precise if they hoped to make an impact without damaging the base. Would a near hit be enough to draw them out? He didn’t know. It seemed a better choice than waiting indefinitely. He looked at Alyx, and nodded.

“It beats waiting,” she said.

==========

Gordon and Barney selected the most likely candidate from among the rockets. “Be careful,” Alyx warned. “We have no idea how sensitive that thing is.”

“Trust me, we know,” Barney said. He and Gordon carefully positioned it within the silo. Once it was in place, the three of them hurried back upstairs, and Alyx examined the control panel. “I think I can do this,” she said.

“Good,” Barney said, “because Kleiner and Magnusson are in no state to manage it.”

“I’m actually sorry to be missing that,” Alyx said, and the three of them laughed together for a moment, then became serious again. “Are we trying to hit them, or just scare them?” Alyx said. “I can scare them, easy, but I can’t make any promises about hitting them directly. I’d just as likely hit the base.”

Gordon and Barney shared another glance. “Scare them,” Barney said. “We’ve got two more missiles if that doesn’t do the trick.”

“We hope we have them,” Alyx said. “We don’t even know if the first one will work.”

“Let’s take it one step at a time,” Barney said.

“Okay. Give me a minute. I’ve never done anything quite like this before.”

They waited patiently as Alyx tended to the programming. “Okay,” she said after a time. “I think I can safely strike within fifty feet of them. I'm programming in a margin of error that hits closer to the base. It’s risky, but it’s better than missing altogether.”

“Ready when you are,” Barney said. “Only - quick question - the manhacks are programmed to detect a perimeter breach. Will they attack the Advisors if they emerge inside the compound?”

“That’s an excellent question,” Alyx said. “In theory, they should attack any non-organic within the perimeter. Of course, we haven’t tested that feature, but we can...well, we can hope.”

“Good enough for me.”

“Okay. I guess we’re ready to launch.”

“Let’s do it.”

Alyx hit the launch button, and together they counted down. To their vast relief, the rocket launched and cleared the silo. They held their collective breath as it peaked, then arched toward the ground just outside the compound.

It struck within mere feet of the bulk of the Advisor pods. There came a horrific, squealing sound, and the pods cracked open, their payload spewing forth like snails oozing out of their shells. “Come on, manhacks!” Alyx shouted.

And they did. They launched themselves at the Advisors as if they had an agenda. Their blades split the soft armor and tender outsides of the Advisors even more easily than they tore human flesh. Gordon felt a momentary, splitting headache as the Advisors attempted to launch a psychic attack, and then it was gone.

The perimeter alarm began to screech. More Advisor pods crested the fence line - dozens of them, this time. “Where are they coming from?” Alyx cried. “We can’t fight them all!”

Gordon’s headache returned, and he dropped to the floor. A moment later, Alyx joined him, her forehead in her hand. “Dammit,” she said. “We can’t let them win.”

The room seemed to be filled with horrific noise. _It’s in your mind,_ Gordon told himself, and crawled toward the controls.

“Gordon!” Alyx shouted. “We have no ammunition. Don’t waste your time.”

Still, he made his way to the controls, as if they were the only thing that mattered. Alyx forced her gaze upward. “Another rocket?” she said. He nodded. “I can’t make it like this,” she said.

He wondered if her mind was as full of noise and sensation as his. The edges of his vision had gone dark, but that was the least of it. His first encounters with the Advisors were nothing compared to this. It was as if he were lying on a crowded freeway with cars passing inches from his head. The sound in his mind was not unlike that of a grade-school orchestra tuning up at three times the normal volume. His skin burned - no, stung - as if every hair follicle were a vicious wasp.

He scanned the room looking for Barney and located him huddled in a corner, clutching his ears and wincing in pain. There were too many of them, their attack too fierce. He was certain that at any moment, his brain would simply explode.

And then something cut through the noise. At first, it sounded like singing. As the cacophony in his head subsided, Gordon realized it was the sound of Vortigaunts chanting. Somehow, they were dampening the psychic attack. More than that - the newly arrived Advisor pods landed, just beyond where the original volley had settled.

He made eye contact with Alyx, then Barney, and together the three of them hurried back to the silo base. The chanting of the Vortigaunts was loud in Gordon’s head, and he assumed it was for the others as well. They achieved their mission wordlessly, relying on their shared understanding of what needed to be done. They hurriedly selected one of the remaining two rockets, put it in place, and returned to the control room. Gordon counted down the launch sequence on his fingers, and the rocket was away.

It landed with a thud. There was no detonation. The three looked at one another, mouths agape. “We have one more shot at this,” Alyx said quietly.

Gordon wondered how long the Vorts would be able to hold off the psychic attack. There was no time to worry about it. Again, they returned to the launch pad, and loaded up the final rocket. By the time they made their way back to the control room, the sound of the Advisor’s attack was returning, even as the Vortigaunt chants grew more faint.

“Don’t count it down,” Alyx shouted. “Just launch. Hurry!”

Gordon did as he was instructed. The rocket launched, arced over the compound, and plunged toward the resting pods.

This time, it worked. Again, the Advisors screamed and retreated from the shattered pods. Instantly on alert, the manhacks rose along the fence line, then dove in attack. Incapable of defending themselves, the Advisors relaunched their psychic attack, and Gordon, Barney and Alyx fell to the floor, clutching their heads and crying out in anguish. The assault was even more vicious than before, and Gordon felt himself losing consciousness, when all at once, the noise and pain ceased.

He took a moment to make sure he could stand, then gradually made his way to the window. Alyx and Barney slowly joined him.

The view of the battlefield below revealed shredded flesh and machinery, and not a single Advisor left. The manhacks returned to their resting positions. No more pods appeared on the horizon.

The three stood in stunned silence for a moment, then began to hoot and holler. Alyx was happy to trade high-fives and fist bumps with her friends, this time. “We did it!” she shouted. “Holy shit, it worked!”

Barney pulled her into a hug and kissed her head. “You did it, little sister! You did it.”

Gordon stood nearby, waiting for the two friends to finish their celebration, before pulling Alyx into a deep embrace. “We did it,” she said. She looked up at Barney and smiled. “We did it.”


	21. Enough

Once the shock of their victory had worn off, they stood together, remembering how to breathe, and staring wide-eyed at the carnage on the ground outside the window. “I thought I was gonna lose my ever-lovin’ mind,” Barney said. Alyx and Gordon nodded in sympathy.

“I wonder if there are any more out there,” Alyx said.

“There is no need for...wonder. There are no more on this planet,” said a voice. The man was there - there was no change of the light, no altering of reality. He was simply there, standing among them, briefcase in hand, straightening his tie. “You have relieved me of a great responsibility. I owe you a debt of gratitude.”

The three stood staring at him. Alyx and Gordon glanced at Barney, and he nodded slowly. “I see him,” he said. “Plain as day.”

“But of course, Mr. Calhoun,” the man said. “There is no longer any great need for me to...conceal myself. My supervisors are...otherwise engaged.” He looked at Gordon and Alyx. “You two have done...outstanding work. Your perseverance is without comparison. Not that I ever doubted you.”

Alyx sighed. “Please go away now,” she said simply.

The man laughed, his face broadening into a distressing smile. “I shall be delighted,” he said, and the smile vanished. “There is just...one more request I must make of you. Now that our mutual enemy has been dispatched, you must drop your defenses. It was, after all, part of my initial deal with you.”

“We made no deal,” Alyx said. “You made demands, and we refused them. What makes you think you’re in any position to ask anything of us now?”

“I still hold your fate in my hands, as I have for decades, Miss Vance. You would be wise to heed my request.”

“And if we don’t? As far as I can tell,” she said, approaching him closely, “we just saved your ass. So how about you get lost, and we’ll forget that you owe us everything?”

His smile returned, tighter this time. He looked down and brushed some invisible dust from his suit before looking back at her, then at Gordon. “Never forget what you’ve done,” he said. In an instant, Gordon relived every senseless death, every horrific moment of his recent past. He heard the dying screams of Vortigaunt slaves and young soldiers. He felt the hands of zombified scientists clutching at his wrists and the warm sludge of sewage circling his legs. He opened his mouth to cry out, and the memories receded. He understood that he would never be free of them. They would haunt him for as long as he was alive.

“Oh, god," Alyx said, and he realized that somehow, she had just shared in the memory. Her knees buckled beneath her and she collapsed. He rushed to her side and dropped to the floor beside her. “No idea,” she said. “I thought I knew. I had no idea. Oh my god, Gordon, I’m so sorry.”

He held her as the assault continued. “As for you, Miss Vance,” the man said. “Your father’s life might have been spared, had you been somewhat more...cooperative.” She appeared to find herself back in the hangar, at the moment of Eli’s death. Gordon watched as she closed her eyes as if trying to force the vision away. Instantly, he found himself experiencing the anguish she’d felt watching her father’s death. He felt as if his gut was twisting as he watched helplessly as Eli’s life force was sucked out of him.

“Get lost,” Alyx hissed. “We won. You just can’t stand to admit it. You’re a petty, pathetic creature. Now, go away.”

“I can leave you, for a time,” the man said. “Certainly, you deserve to recover from your lopsided victory here. But I will return when it is in my interest to do so.”

He turned to leave. “No!” Alyx said, and the man froze in place. “You won’t,” she said. With an amused smile, he turned back and looked at her. “Or else?” he said, his strange smile managing to spread even further across his face.

She looked at Gordon, and he gave her the slightest nod of affirmation. “We’d rather die,” she said. “So cook up whatever twisted deal you have for us. We won’t take it. We’re done.”

He stared at them both with the same warped smile. “Very well,” he said. A white doorway opened, and he was gone.

Alyx stared at Gordon. “That’s it?” she said. “No way. He’s lying.”

Gordon was tempted to agree, but his gut told him something else. The man was gone, and he wasn’t coming back, at least not any time soon. He felt free. “I think,” he said, startled by the sound of his own voice. “I think it’s over."

Barney, Gordon and Alyx fell into each other’s arms and shared a long, silent embrace.

==========

“And that’s the end of it?” Kleiner said. “He’s simply gone?”

Alyx nodded. “It seems that way, although I’m not sure I believe it.”

“Gordon, do you concur? Has our friend - and I use that term very loosely - simply let you go?”

“It would appear so, yes,” Gordon said. Alyx smiled broadly at the sound of his voice, and he felt suddenly self-conscious.

"Indeed,” Kleiner said. “Well, that is a most excellent development.”

“I know,” Alyx said, offering Kleiner her hand to help steady him. “It seems a little too easy.”

“My dear, you detonated massive, explosive devices within meters of the compound and dispatched a veritable flock of Advisors without sacrificing a single, human life. I’d hardly call that ‘easy’.”

‘Maybe,” she said, blushing a little. “But we still don’t know for sure if that was the last of the Advisors, and we have no reason to believe that’s the last we’ll see of that man.”

“Perhaps. But from what you tell me, you have no reason to believe otherwise.”

Gordon watched their interactions with a strange detachment. His gut told him they were free; his experience told him otherwise. He wanted to trust his gut. It wasn’t easy when his mind was telling him something so different.

Barney poured another round of drinks; Magnusson politely declined. It was clear he’d already had enough. He could barely sit upright. Gordon and Alyx shared an amused glance.

“Laugh all you like,” he said. “One day you’ll be the ones whose life work is buried. Then you’ll see how it feels.”

Alyx sighed. “I’m kind of hoping that happened today,” she said quietly. Gordon smiled softly at her.

"Well, I don’t know what actually happened today,” Barney said, “but it feels like a victory.” He raised a glass of moonshine in a toast. “Congratulations to us all,” he said. They raised their glasses to meet his.

==========

By midnight, Barney's quarters had begun to feel cramped. Barney, Alyx and Gordon left Kleiner and Magnusson napping happily on the couch, and made their way outside. Fresh snow was falling in huge flakes. Winter had truly arrived.

“It reminds me of City 36,” Alyx said. “Remember?”

Gordon smiled. They’d shared their first kiss in a snow not unlike this one.

“I remember,” he said. “I’ll never forget.”

Rather than tease them, Barney appeared to be sulking. “What’s up, Barn?” Alyx said.

He swallowed the last of his drink and looked squarely at the two of them. "You’re leaving,” he said. “Aren’t you?”

Alyx turned to Gordon. “Are we?” she said.’

He gave her a lopsided smile. “We’ll see,” he said.

==========

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, Barney uncorked the first few bottles of beer. He’d saved the initial offering for his two best friends. Together, the three of them savored the malty, slightly bitter flavor. “Not bad, Barney,” Alyx said.

“Not bad? This is the finest brew in White Forest. I expect a little more respect for my endeavor.” Alyx laughed and gave Barney a peck on the nose.

“So,” he said, “is it true we’re having actual turkey for the holidays?”

“It sounds that way,” Alyx said. “Tom’s team spotted a flock in the woods. Unlucky for them, but good for us, I suppose.”

“So, y'all still planning to stay through the winter?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Alyx said. “Bjørnøya’s barely reachable this time of year. We’ll head out in late spring, at the earliest.”

“Well, I guess I can take some comfort in that.”

Alyx snuggled in close to her friend. “You’ll survive,” she said. “And you can always come visit. It’s only a few hours flight.”

“I know. Just got used to having you two around.”

“Me, too,” Alyx said.

==========

After a few beers, Alyx and Gordon were nearly asleep on Barney’s sofa. “I am loathe to kick y’all out,” he said, “but seeing as how you don’t have to drive, and seeing as how this is where I sleep, I’m going to,” Barney said.

They sat up and stretched, said thanks and good night, and made their way back home. Home for now, anyway.

“You sure you want to live in the Arctic?” Alyx said as they tucked into their own bed. “We could always see what the Pacific Northwest is like, these days.”

Gordon pondered for a moment, then shook his head. Bjørnøya was home; he felt it. He looked at Alyx and cocked his head. “Oh, I’m sure,” she said. “I miss it. It’s weird, but I miss it. I can’t wait to see our old friends,” she said, and smiled. “Looking forward to the sauna, too.” Gordon grinned.

“It’s been a month,” she said, “since we’ve seen him. I feel safe, but I’ll feel safer away from here.” Gordon took her hands and nodded his understanding.

“We’ll be together,” she said

“Yes,” he said. They shared a gentle kiss, and smiled.

==========

Bjørnøya in the spring was a rush of seabirds and tundra flowers. Siggi and Dr. Rivers were the first to greet them as they disembarked from the helicopter, smothering them both with warm embraces. “We thought we might never see you again,” Siggi said.

Alyx smiled. “I always knew we’d be back,” she said. “I hoped so, anyway.”

“It’s almost time for dinner,” Siggi said. “You know what a stickler Dr. Patel is for schedules. We have some time, though. We can show you to your quarters, before dinner, but maybe you’d like to meet with your guests, first.”

Alyx and Gordon exchanged a glance. “Guests?” Alyx said.

“Oh,” Siggi said, glancing at Dr. Rivers. “You weren’t expecting anyone.”

Gordon felt his heart sink. Alyx spoke what he couldn’t. “I thought this place was secure,” she said. “Who’s here? What do they want?”

“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Rivers said. "They arrived just a few hours before you did. We weren’t here to meet their chopper. We assumed...oh, dear, we’ve made an error, haven’t we.”

Alyx looked to Gordon. “Let's get it over with,” she said. She turned to Siggi and Dr. Rivers. “Take us to them,” she said.

==========

The women led them to the radio station. “Why here?” Alyx said.

"We’ve always preferred that guests meet here,” Siggi said. “The living quarters are...well, they’re kind of sacred ground. I’m sure that sounds odd.”

“No,” Alyx said. “It makes perfect sense.” She strode into the station, with Gordon right behind her. Inside, sitting alone, they found Judith.

She looked up, her face etched with sadness, but she smiled when she saw them. “You’re late,” she said. “My companion had to go. He sends his best wishes.”

Alyx tried to launch at her, but Gordon held her back. “What are you doing here?” Alyx hissed.

Judith shook her head. “I’m sorry to have upset you,” she said. “I know I said I wouldn’t be back. But our friend wanted to deliver a message.”

“Then deliver it,” Alyx said. Gordon could feel her trembling beneath his touch.

Judith sighed. “I know you’ll never trust me. I understand that. He asked me to tell you both, farewell. That’s all.” She looked at them both. “And that is my message, as well. I’m going away. I don’t know for how long. I may never see you again, and believe it or not, that matters to me. I will miss you both. I care about you both. I suppose this is good-bye.”

Alyx stood staring as Gordon approached Judith and took her hands in his. “Thank you,” he said, and she nodded.

“He won’t be back,” she said. “Go live your lives. You’ve earned it.”

“And you?” he said.

She smiled and looked away. “I’ve made my peace,” she said. “Good-bye.”

A door opened, white light shining through, and she walked inside. A suited figure stood just inside the door, and Gordon imagined he saw him wave good-bye. The doorway closed, and they were alone in the station.

They stood staring at the place where Judith and the man had last appeared. “Okay,” Alyx said. “I guess that’s it, then.” She looked at Gordon. “Well,” she said.

“I’m so sorry,” said Dr. Rivers. “We wanted to make your return a treat. We thought -”

“It’s okay,” Alyx said. “We needed to receive that message.”

Siggi put her arm around Alyx’s shoulder. “You okay?” she said. Alyx nodded.

“All right,” said Dr. Rivers, breaking the silence that was quickly becoming oppressive. “I'm sure you’ll recall, Dr. Patel does not appreciate us being late for dinner. Afterwards, we’ve planned a campfire and some singing. Then, for those who are so inclined, a brief pop into the sauna before bedtime. Which, I should add, has been extended to 23:00 hours, for this week only. Please, let me show you to your quarters. I think you’ll find them comfortable.”

Together, they walked to the main building. Dr. Rivers showed them to a pleasant room, fitted with a full-sized bed. It was roughly the same size as their room at White Forest, but had a private bath, and plenty of storage for their few belongings. “It’s not much,” Siggi said, “but if there’s anything you need, just let us know.”

“It’s perfect,” Alyx said. She turned to Gordon and smiled. “We’re home,” she said.

He believed it was true.

==========

After a dinner of fish and potatoes, they joined the rest of the crew around the campfire. They sang songs that Gordon remembered, but Alyx had never heard. Still, she tried to sing along. They laughed together at her clumsy renditions. Several of the crew left for the sauna, but Gordon and Alyx remained with Dr. Rivers - Robin - and Siggi, as the fire began to die out.

“We’re all deeply grateful that you chose to return,” Robin said.

“We’re grateful you welcomed us,” Alyx replied.

“I’m sorry about your uninvited guests. That was a serious oversight on our part.”

“There was nothing you could have done,” Alyx said.

Robin took a sip of her drink, and nodded. “That’s gracious of you.”

Alyx laughed. “No, I mean, it’s the truth. If you’re not okay with unannounced visitors, you need to know that they might be par for the course with us. I mean, I hope not, but the possibility is there.”

Robin smiled. “We have ways of mitigating the risk, but it’s one we’re willing to take, or you wouldn’t be here.”

Gordon wasn’t sure what she meant, but he was too buoyed by good company, not to mention a bit too much to drink, to worry about it. He felt safe, and at home, and for the time being, that was enough.

==========

They made their way back to their quarters as the Northern Lights began to shimmer overhead. It was still bitterly cold, and Alyx grinned as she pulled her scarf close to her face. “I love this,” she said. “It feels so real.”

Gordon smiled at her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they headed back. “We should think about visiting City 36 some time,” she said. “See how those kids are doing.”

He nodded. He was in no hurry to revisit that nightmare of a town, but it would be good to see old friends.

“No rush," Alyx said. “Whenever.”

 _Whenever. No rush._ Was this freedom?

When they arrived back at their room, they stood in the silence, looking at one another.

“Home sweet home,” Alyx said.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately. It was home. They were home. And they were safe.

For now.

It was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Note, 5/8/20  
> And that's that. *sniff* Thank you so much to those who have stuck through this with me. I hope all of you are well and safe. I appreciate your kudos and comments more than I can say. Not sure what's next but I'll be around! Much love - M
> 
> Note, 5/3/20  
> Almost done! I'm sad to let this go. I feel like the Half Life universe has changed while I wasn't looking and I don't know when I'll have a chance to explore the new world. May have to replay the Half Life 2 episodes just for grins. Also because it's fun. :D
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read and stuck with me. You're awesome! 
> 
> Note, 4/22/20  
> Still plugging away at the next couple of chapters. We're getting close to the end so I'm procrastinating because I hate finishing. 
> 
> I hope everyone is well and surviving isolation. I'm finding myself pretty okay with it, all things considered. I tend to be an introvert so it's not a huge leap for me. Much love to my extrovert friends who may not be doing so well. 
> 
> Once this story's done, I'm not sure how much I'll write before I get a chance at the Alyx game. I feel like I'm a little blind and I refuse spoilers, but I don't want to just muddle through. We'll see. 
> 
> This has been such a delightful journey, and I thank you all so much. 
> 
> Note, 3/23/20  
> Social isolation sucks, y'all. But it's great for writing!
> 
> I wanted to share the playlist I lean on when writing my Alyx and Gordon stuff; thought you might enjoy it.  
> Totally relevant IMO:  
> Mercy Street - Peter Gabriel  
> Dark Side of Me - Coheed and Cambria (SO Gordon)  
> Sacrifice - Zella Day  
> Heroes - David Bowie  
> Legendary - Skillet  
> Legendary - Welshly Arms  
> Counting Bodies Like Sheep (to the Rhythm of the War Drums) - A Perfect Circle  
> Man Who Sold the World - David Bowie (Nirvana will do just as well if not better)  
> Black Mesa Soundtrack (Gorgeous! Also, duh.)
> 
> Less relevant but suits my post-apocalyptic sensibilities:  
> Games Without Frontiers - Peter Gabriel  
> I am Dust - Gary Numan  
> Life on Mars - David Bowie (Thanks to the BBC Show)  
> Down in the Park - Gary Numan
> 
> I would love  
>  any suggestions! What are you listening to while the world falls apart?


End file.
